


Teen Folk Hunting

by Bucklethorpe



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:48:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27599822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bucklethorpe/pseuds/Bucklethorpe
Summary: Post 1.10. Seventeen chapters of April and Sterling trying to decide if they like each other and set to the soundtrack of TSwift's Folklore because those were the two most interesting things to happen during Quarantine Summer.
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 61
Kudos: 205





	1. the 1

Nothing may ever be normal again. And that was becoming normal. 

Sterling was learning to breathe again. She wasn’t exactly great, but she was okay. She was  _ okay _ , which was a long way from where she’d been three weeks ago. Everything about her life three weeks ago was completely foreign to her. Her family was a lie. Her twin was her cousin. Her entire existence was in question. Every new thought was a new question. How did this happen? How did she not know? Was her birthday even her birthday? Why all the secrets? What else was being kept from her? Who was her father? Where is he? Does he know? Does he care? Was God mad about the whole sex thing? The lying thing? The possibly gay thing? What was April doing? 

Okay, maybe that last one was slightly out of place.

For the first week, she lived on a self-imposed island. Well, she lived in Bowser’s office for two days until he got wise to the fact that she wasn’t leaving at night. Then she slept on his couch for a while. His complete discomfort with her emotional state would have been hilarious if she wouldn’t have been in a downward spiral. Bowser was top notch, though. He introduced her to solid comfort food: Hot Cheetos and Vanilla Dr. Pepper. He also had a tendency to ramble when he was nervous, so she had all kinds of factoids about FSU football memorized. Strangely, he kept buying her bulk office supplies from Amazon so she could do her schoolwork from home. It was odd, but sweet. She had collected four staplers, a pocket calendar from 2014, seven reams of paper, and a three-hole punch before her so-called parents showed up and cried and begged and insisted it was time to go home.

She did.

That week was the longest she’d ever gone without seeing Blair. It was an eye-opening experience. She was always so sure her heart wouldn’t beat without Blair. It turns out, she  _ could _ live without her. She existed. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t preferable. She just couldn’t get past the fact that she didn’t really belong where she had  _ always _ belonged before. That was Blair’s life. It wasn’t hers. Not really. Had she stolen it from her sister? Ugh. Her cousin. Blair was her cousin now. No, not  _ now _ . Always had been. She’d always been in the wrong place. After a lifetime of trying so hard to do the right thing, she’d still been wrong.

It was exhausting. 

It was lonely.

It seemed to be a given that she wouldn’t go back to school until she was ready. Debbie arranged for her to talk to a therapist, which she appreciated and utilized. She spent a couple of afternoons catching movies by herself, which was weird. She meandered around the house staring at framed childhood photos until the tears wouldn’t come anymore. She searched her memories for a clue, a mention, anything that could have foreshadowed the unthinkable.

There was nothing.

Sterling eventually went to Bowser to ask for a job. Not bounty hunting, she just wanted to scoop froyo and not think about anything else. He’d obliged, thank goodness, so she went to work every night. On the third night, Blair showed up. She’d gotten her own frozen yogurt and parked herself on a stool. She’d stayed all night. Blair did the same the next night. Finally, nearly two weeks after the silence had started, Sterling had had enough. 

“You don’t have to do this,” she told Blair as she adjusted her Yogurtopia visor. 

Blair shrugged and poked at the sprinkles she had dumped in her yogurt. “I kinda do.”

“Are you babysitting?” Sterling asked. “Did Mom and Dad send you to watch me or something? Because I don’t need you-”

“No,” Blair answered. “I’m not talking to them any more than you are.”

“Oh.” Sterling didn’t know that. She had extracted herself from the family as much as she could while still living under their roof. “Okay.”

“What they did is so far from okay, Sterl,” Blair replied. “They lied to us. Our whole lives, they lied to us. I mean, sure, I was totally expecting a whopper from Mom. She obviously has the stench of impropriety, but that was some next level type shit. Dad?! I’m just disappointed in that guy.”

“I’m sure they’ve got their reasons-”

“Fuck their reasons!” Blair said, slamming a fist into the counter.

Cathy jumped at the disruption and dropped her mop. “Damn kids,” she muttered as she retrieved it. 

“Sorry,” the girls said simultaneously.

“I really don’t care about their reasons,” Blair continued. “It doesn’t matter what their intentions were. They’re liars.”

Sterling nodded. She agreed, but she was still much too numb to tread those waters.

“We can’t let them ruin us,” Blair said quietly.

“What? No.” Sterling shook her head. “Ruin  _ us _ ? They won’t, they can’t.”

“We haven’t spoken for two weeks, Sterl.” Blair pushed her uneaten yogurt aside. “Two whole weeks. That hasn’t happened since we were in utero.”

Blair realized too late what she had said and sighed, shoulders slumping. 

“I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it,” Sterling said after a few moments. “You and me, we’re you and me. It’s hard to unlearn that.”

“No, there’s nothing to unlearn,” Blair contested.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“No!” Blair was adamant. “No, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry, I’m the one who is sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize either.”

“I’m sorry about the last two weeks. It’s just as much on me. I didn’t know what to say,” Blair admitted. “You obviously needed your space and...I just feel...so...I don’t know...hurt and lost and...”

“Guilty?”

“Yeah.” Blair ducked her head. “For everything. For that fight that we had in Nine-dina-”

“Nandina.”

“Whatever!” Blair screeched before taking a deep breath. “I mean, you and Mom are so close. It doesn’t make any sense. Why is it you? Why not me?”

“You have Dad’s nose,” Sterling answered like it was the end of whatever existential argument that could have ever been spawned. “It couldn’t have been you.”

“Thanks, Sterl.” Blair immediately reached up to her own nose. “Dad has a schnauz.”

“I am sorry for everything,” Sterling admitted. “For shutting down recently and before...putting you in that spot with Miles. And abandoning you and Bowser-”

“For April fucking Stevens-ugh.”

Sterling went back to mindlessly scooping gummies. “Yeah, that’s over now.”

“I know, I heard,” Blair reached across the counter and patted her arm. “I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. I know you liked her. I don’t know why or what kind of devil magic she cast upon you, but I know it must have ended badly.”

“Everything ended badly.”

“Can we just ignore the last few weeks and just go back to being us?” Blair asked. “I don’t mean live in denial, just not let it change who we are to each other. We can sort it all out, but I need my sister. Can we say fuck biology and still be sisters?”

Sterling smiled, “I’ve wanted to say fuck biology since that skeleton fell on me in Ms. Clancy’s Freshmen Bio.”

Blair collected her in a relieved hug. “Then we’re sisters. And that’s that.” 

After that, Sterling felt little pieces of her soul snap back into place. Her Blair was still her Blair, would always be. They could still communicate in glances and gestures and expressions. That knowledge helped her grow stronger. The subtle fears about her life changing started to fade. Nobody came to throw all her belongings into a garbage bag and haul her back to the trailer park. Her parents still loved her, still doted on her. Her house still smelled like flowers and breakfast. Constants remained constants.

Soon enough, she found herself walking arm in arm with Blair back into Willingham Academy. It had been three weeks. Everything was exactly the same and different all at the same time. She got several looks, but no questions. Blair must have put the fear of God into these people. 

She made it through half the day before seeing  _ her _ . It was a miracle provided by either Jesus himself or some careful navigating from Blair. Lunchtime was a school wide affair, though. There was no way around it. Seeing April would have stung no matter what. Sterling would have felt the grip on her heart and the uneasiness in her stomach however that first sighting went down. It was inevitable. She had wished so many times in the last few weeks that she had April to cling to when she felt like she was completely anchorless. But, April was not with her. 

Not at all.

In fact, Sterling watched as April leaned into Luke, scanning the lunch crowd. When their eyes met, April quickly looked away. It only took a second for her to look again. She didn’t look away that time. She stared. It was almost like she had seen a Sterling shaped ghost and didn’t have the number for a paranormal investigator.

“Those two are palling around quite a bit,” Blair informed her when she followed Sterling’s gaze. “Which is weird considering he’s still got a cardboard cutout of you from that time you ran for Student Council and she’s...well, probably borrowed the cutout for  _ reasons _ . Did you know about that?”

“It’s what prompted me to leave the lock-in,” Sterling told her. “And get kidnapped, etcetera.”

“Fuck ‘em, then.” Blair said. “They can burn.”

“It’s not Luke-”

“ _ Luke _ spent the first week you were gone telling people you were probably getting back together,” Blair said. “I had to threaten to cut off his dumbass man bun to shut that shit down.”

“Yeah,” Sterling sighed. “That’s my fault.”

“You encouraged that? He looked like an alpaca for a week.”

“Not that,” Sterling said. “I led him to believe that we might...”

“Might...start a really terrible emo band?”

“Might get back together.”

Blair blinked several times before responding, “You haven’t mentioned him once this whole time. You didn’t ask about him. Didn’t want to call him to catch up. Nothing.”

“It wasn’t my finest moment,” Sterling said. “April and I had just-”

“Yeah, yeah,” Blair realized where this was going. “On the other hand, I had to write down everything April was wearing last week so you could make sure the dress code hasn’t changed.”

“Never hurts to make sure,” Sterling acted offended. “I was being proactive about coming back.”

“I also go to school here, Sterl.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sterling dismissed the conversation. “I drove them together.”

“Something like that,” Blair replied. “They’re practically Yoda and Daisy Ridley.”

“Who?”

“I have no idea,” Blair said. “I had to sit behind them at a Bible and Guns rally last week and that’s all I remember about their stupid conversation.”

Sterling couldn’t help looking for April again. She had put some distance between herself and Luke. Sterling appreciated it. It was the little things. And April was tiny. And compact. And really, almost freakishly strong. Especially after  _ arms _ day. “So that’s really happening?” 

“They want people to believe it is.” Blair passed her half a banana, then tossed the peel on a passing Hannah P's tray. “They are putting in a lot of effort for  _ someone _ to believe they are, anyway.”

“Yeah...well...”

The rest of the day passed without much fanfare. She was getting back into the swing of things and feeling pretty content. School was comfortable. Comfortable in a way that she hadn’t quite fully gotten back to at home. Getting through that first day was a relief.

When she parted with Blair in the junior lot, she promised that she’d be back to pick her up from lax practice and crossed the parking lot to her car.

She was almost home free.

“Hey.”

It was an achingly familiar voice that caused her to grip the strap of her backpack tighter against her in anxiety.

“Sterling.”

“Hey,” Sterling said nonchalantly, giving a half-hearted wave but not breaking stride.

“Sterling,” April said again. It was closer, though. It was softer. It was the voice that April had only used with her and only when they were tangled together somehow. Like a lullaby. But, like, a lullaby about something really shitty like the plague.

“April, hello,” Sterling acknowledged her, but still tried to sidestep.

“C’mon Sterl,” April said as she followed. “Stop.”

“I really can’t. I’ve got to get home and-”

“Just a second.”

Sterling stopped and exhaled. She crossed her arms over her chest. “What?”

April approached slowly, giving her a subtle onceover. She glanced behind her multiple times before finally stuttering out, “Y-you’ve been gone for three weeks.”

“Have I?” Sterling feigned surprise.

“Are you okay?” April asked. She reached out to touch her, but stopped just short. “That’s a long time to miss school, Sterling. You really did become a truant.”

Sterling ran her hands through her hair still looking for an escape route. “Yeah, Ellen sent over all my assignments. So no worries.”

“What happened?”

“It was a family thing.”

“Blair said you were really sick,” April said in confusion. 

“The family was sick...except her. God bless her superior immunity.”

April narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms to match Sterling’s defensive pose. “Okay...I tried to text you. Like, thirty-seven times.”

“I lost my phone,” Sterling replied quickly. “I just got a replacement a few days ago.”

“You didn’t have a phone for three weeks?” April laughed out loud, doubt evident. “That’s impressive and wholly unbelievable.”

“Yeah, I guess. Hadn’t really thought about it,” Sterling said with indifference. “Sorry, though.” 

“So...” April looked over her shoulder and lowered her voice. “You weren’t gone because of me, were you? I mean, your parents didn’t send you away to some conversion camp or something? I’ve seen pamphlets about places where they send you deep into the Applachians with nothing but a lunchbox and ink blots.”

“What?” Sterling’s eyes grew wide. “No, of course not.”

“You didn’t tell anybody-”

“No, April,” Sterling pushed past her. “Your secret is still safe.”

April grabbed for her arm. “Sterling.”

“Listen,” Sterling said, while shrugging out of April’s grasp. “Whatever  _ was _ happening with us is over now. You made that pretty clear. And, honestly, it’s a good thing. I mean, it would have been...”

"Fun?” April supplied, apparently to her own surprise. “Or...”

“I was going to say it would have been a real mess, but maybe that, too. For a while, it could have been fun. Yeah.” Sterling swallowed hard as the thoughts of just how much fun they’d had together came rushing back. “But you’re with Luke.”

“I’m not with Luke.”

“I think he thinks you are,” Sterling said pointedly. “Seems like he’s into you like he used to be into me. Like I used to be into you.”

“I know,” April had the good sense to look embarrassed.

Sterling continued, “This is so screwed up. Everything is just so royally effed.”

“Are you really okay?” April asked. “I didn’t buy Blair’s story. It was pretty ridiculous, actually. She said you had leprosy.”

“April, I’m fine. Just let it go, okay.”

April pulled at her orange Willingham sweater nervously and checked her surroundings again. “Regardless of what may or may not have happened in the past, I care about you, Sterl. And you disappeared without a good explanation. Now, you’re just back...still without an explanation.”

“Yep,” Sterling nodded. “That’s the way it goes.”

“You can tell me.”

“I can’t,” Sterling reminded her. “You don’t have to care if I’m a leper or not.”

“So, that’s that,” April uttered. “We can be friends, can’t we? Now that we’re not, you know, otherwise engaged. We can be friends now.”

Sterling sighed. “I’m not so sure I want to be.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe someday, right?” Sterling said with a shrug and walked away. “Bye, April.” 


	2. cardigan

Every single morning April Stevens woke up wearing Sterling Wesley’s UGA sweatshirt. Every. Single. Morning. She should be over it. She’s not, though. Because she crushes hard on girls. And Sterling Wesley is not just any girl and the Sterling Wesley crush isn’t just any crush. Sterling Wesley is  _ the _ girl and this crush is a full on heavy compress. She’s barely holding up under its weight. 

So every night after she says her prayers, she slips on Sterling’s sweatshirt and burrows under her Philippians 4:13 scripture duvet and drifts off into some truly uncomfortable dreams. That’s been the course of events since  _ that _ night. Since the night she had taken that hoodie home with her. The night she and Sterling had debated over their relationship. April had let her win. She had let Sterling convince her that being together was better than the alternative. And she was right. She was so, so right. Being with Sterling was the best thing she had ever done. But, it was so, so dangerous.

Sometimes, though, April had trouble remembering why it was so dangerous and focused more on why it was so exhilarating. Like first thing in the morning, especially. Every morning her very first thought was of Sterling. The past few weeks, it had been of worry and Sterling. Fear and Sterling. Anxiety and Sterling. It seems to always circle back to happiness and Sterling. Making out in cars and Sterling. Lust and Sterling. Sterling’s bright smile and silky, blonde hair and her eyes, God, those eyes. Then “where is Sterling?” And “why hasn’t she called?” And “why is Blair lying about where she is and why she hasn’t called?”

Mostly April has flashbacks about  _ that  _ night and Sterling. It’s a loop of Sterling’s fingers and Sterling’s lips and the way Sterling’s hips carefully rock when she’s turned on. The way Sterling would lose herself in kisses and her hands ripping the two buttons off April’s crisp, white shirt.

That’s how she got the hoodie. Sterling had chivalrously offered it to her after she had pulled it out of her backpack and apologized profusely for not being more careful. 

_ “You can’t just walk into your house with your boobs out,” Sterling had explained as they sat in April’s drive. She appraised her with a small smile, reached across the console and untucked April’s ponytail from the hood. “You look really good in it, by the way.” _

_ “I think it’s a little too big, Sterl,” April had countered, pulling at the excess material. “I like it, though.” _

_ “Well...” Sterling tugged one one drawstring, pulling her closer. “It’s usually my sleep time hoodie.” _

_ April let her hand rest on Sterling’s, relishing the ability to casually touch her. “You have a sleep time hoodie? That’s cute.” _

_ “Blair makes fun of me,” Sterling shrugged.  _

_ “Well, I think it’s adorable.” _

_ “You’re adorable.” Sterling giggled like the schoolgirl that she was. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow at school, right?” _

_ “Yes.” April licked her bottom lip. “And then we’ll both be at the lock-in tomorrow night. We’re practically co-hosting together. I can’t wait.” _

_ Sterling placed the fastest, most chaste kiss on April’s cheek. “Me, either!” _

April couldn’t bring herself to tell her that nobody was home anyway. She could have just walked into her house with her boobs out, but she wanted a piece of Sterling. It was her trophy for winning that night. Yeah, Sterling took the debate, but April had won a taste of  _ could be  _ and  _ what ifs _ . It was the very first time she’d let herself think that it could be possible. Sterling gave her that.

When her alarm sounded again, she had to get out of bed and extract herself from the warmth that was that red, worn sweatshirt. She had hidden it for the longest time. She kept it smelling like Sterling for a week, maybe longer. It was a good thing her mother was distracted by her father’s recent release from prison then. She didn’t ask questions. When the hoodie was finally noticed, April easily passed it off as Luke’s. She cringed at the thought that it actually  _ could _ be Luke’s. What if it was? She almost got rid of it in silent protest just for the thought. She didn’t, though. She couldn’t. It was the only reminder that that night had even happened. The only tangible piece of evidence that April had of the most perfect night of her life was that shirt.

_ April’s entire body clenched when Sterling’s fingers brushed along her stomach. “I was serious,” Sterling said as she pulled back from their liplock. She hovered just over April, looking the part. “You can do anything you want to me. Like, anything...” _

_ “I know that you’re serious about our coupling.” April pushed a stray hair behind Sterling’s ear. “And I really, really want to, uh, do things to you, but-” _

_ “I’m just saying you could,” Sterling offered quickly. “No pressure or anything. I would also like to...you know...” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “Noted.” _

_ “I’m not pushing,” Sterling clarified. “I think I made that mistake with Luke. Impatience and-” _

_ “Sterling,” April shook her head. “We really don’t need to discuss that.” _

_ “Oh, no, I mean, I just wanted you to know, like, for sure, I want to do this with you. I did with Luke, too, but this is different. I don’t really know why, it just is. It feels diff-” _

_ “Seriously! Stop talking.” April leaned up to catch Sterling’s lips to effectively shut her up. And, it worked. April just kept kissing her until her lips were numb and her hands were tingling and her breath was only coming in short gasps. “You’re really good at this. Even better horizontally.” _

_ “Well I’m super glad that I’ve had this opportunity to show you how multi-directional I can be.” _

_ “Show me some more,” April said, her tone seductive. _

_ And Sterling did set out to show her. “You sure you’re okay?” Sterling asked as her hand paused under April’s button down. “Tell me if this is not okay, okay?” _

_ “I’m okay,” April answered breathily, back against the seats of Sterling’s Volt. “I’m perfect, please keep going.” _

She had been perfect in that moment. Sterling had made her feel more than she had ever felt. In every way and at every turn. Sterling had made her feel empty and abandoned as a fifth-grader. Sterling had made her seethe and nearly lose her mind with fury as rivals. Sterling had made her feel joy and hope and happiness. Sterling had made her feel wanted and seen and sensual. Sterling had felt her. She had felt Sterling. And as much as she tried, she could not forget it. 

She’d tried so hard. 

She’d tried to convince herself that Sterling Wesley was awful and fake and ridiculous. It was easier when she didn’t have to face her. While Sterling’s disappearance had made her nervous, it had also given her a reprieve. She was gifted three weeks to build up a resistance.

Resistance was futile. 

Because Sterling Wesley was not awful or fake or ridiculous. 

She was considerate and generous and, yeah, possibly a little ridiculous, but also ridiculously hot.

So when Sterling came back, April fell apart. All her resolve, anyway. She had built quite the false sense of security because Sterling breezed back into Willingham and April was suffocating with the want, the need to talk to her. Weeks later, and April had been able to corner her in the parking lot only once. Since then, Blair hadn’t let April get anywhere near her. Seriously, Blair had taken to literally growling at April when they were in the same room. Sterling would previously apologize and give her a reassuring look when Blair started her antics, but those days were over. Sterling had said they couldn’t be friends and she’d meant it.

That didn’t mean that April couldn’t gaze from afar. Nobody could stop her from sitting on the Richard Koontz Memorial Bench and watching whatever or whomever may be across the quad. If that happened to be the Wesley twins, then so be it. She could observe. 

Blair whispered something to Sterling and she laughed. It was the first time April had seen her laugh since she’d been back and her lips quirked up without her permission. Sterling was truly something to behold when she laughed. 

_ “I can’t believe you remember that,” Sterling tossed her head back and dissolved into laughter. “We were so competitive even back then.” _

_ “Yeah,” April said dreamily as she watched Sterling’s face light up with the memory. She reached up to run a finger across Sterling’s collar bone. “You’re really pretty.” _

_ Sterling sobered fairly quickly. “Thank you.” _

_ “Incredibly so, actually,” April continued. “How are you so pretty?” _

_ “My parents, I guess,” Sterling smiled and shrugged. _

She sat in Spanish class and could  _ feel _ Sterling watching her. It prickled against her neck. It would be so easy to just turn around and make Sterling talk to her. Who would have thought? She had spent six years hoping that she could avoid Sterling Wesley and now it was torture knowing Sterling was avoiding her. She was only three feet away and it felt like she was still missing. Why did it feel like a part of Sterling never came back?

_ “Are you just going to watch me take notes?” April asked as she jotted down suggestions in her notebook. “What do you think? I think we should intersperse some Christian Rock with some tasteful Pop. How do you feel about Creed circa 2002?” _

_ “For real?” Sterling leaned over to read the notebook. “Oh, you really are writing that down.” _

_ “Ellen is probably going to ask,” April said. “We probably should have a playlist.” _

_ Sterling sat up straighter. “I’m going to be honest, when I suggested that we sit in my car and work on a playlist, I didn’t really think we would work on a playlist.” _

_ April stopped writing and clicked her pen. “What did you have in mind?” _

_ “We can totally do that!” Sterling suddenly got nervous. “If that’s what you want. Then sure. We’ll make a playlist. What kind of songs do you want to add?” _

_ “That's what I just asked you.” _

_ “Oh,” Sterling shrugged. “The Classics.” _

_ “The Classics?” _

_ “Sure.” _

_ “Like Beethoven?” _

_ “No, like  _ ‘Maps.’

_ “Wait.” _

_ “Exactly.” _

_ “No, no,” April shook her head. “I was thinking a little more classic.” _

_ “Like when Justin Timberlake was in that boy band?” _

_ “No, like  _ ‘Don’t Stop Believin _ ’. My mom keeps singing it to my dad when he’s on the prison payphone.” _

April shrugged out from underneath the heavy weight of Luke’s arm around her shoulder at a momentary flash of blonde hair as they loitered around the Willingham front entrance after school. She realized a second later that it wasn’t even Sterling and felt a profound sense of disappointment. When communication was out of the question, glimpses were everything. She groaned internally at how she’d even gotten herself into this position. She was listening to Franklin drone on and on about putting while Luke must have been having his own conversation about various bird species. She was knee deep in a straight charade that was way more exhausting than any gay mention avoidance dance she’d ever done. She had put together the perfect cover, but she couldn’t go through it any longer.

_ The sudden realization that they were still standing in the middle of campus and Sterling’s hands were on her hips and Sterling’s lips were on her lips made April pull away. She glanced around.  _

_ “It’s okay,” Sterling whispered. “It’s just us.” _

_ April let out an audible breath. “You win.” _

_ “I’m not as bad at debating as you think, huh?” _

_ April smiled shyly. “I never said you were bad.” _

_ “Inept? I believe that was the word you used. Right?” _

_ April avoided the question. “Did you say something about Blair? Do you have to meet her somewhere?” _

_ “Who? Oh, uh, that’s not as important as this,” Sterling said. “We have to finish the playlist for the lock-in, right?” _

_ “Yes! Yeah,” April agreed. “We really should.” _

_ “My car’s parked over there.” Sterling gestured and grabbed her hand. “We’ll talk about it and I’ll drive you home.” _

What she wouldn’t give to just talk to Sterling. Even the venomous words they used to exchange would be better than silence. The silence was painful. The silence was devastating. 

She would get through the day. She would tiptoe around her father’s questions. She would mindlessly do her homework and she would read the required verses. She would wonder, not for the first time, how her mother could pretend like everything was fine. She supposed that she must have gotten that trait from her, because she was very good at compartmentalization, too. She was an expert at putting things in their boxes and only pulling them out when it was convenient. She’d done it her whole life. She’d done with Sterling, to Sterling. When it was time, though, she would pull on Sterling’s sweatshirt and she’d remember what it was like to be held by her. And wonder if she’d ever feel that way again.


	3. the last great american dynasty

The white, uppercrust Republican set of Atlanta is as incredibly gossipy as one would expect. When someone’s uncle’s brother-in-law knows the responding officer at a call involving a shooting and twin sets of twins once removed, well, eventually it gets around. The story bounces and fluctuates and lands and twists and gets morphed into something even more grand, more ridiculous. And that story is the one that Sterling and Blair were confronted with a month later.

Hannah Q was the first person to say it directly to their face.

“Wow, Hannah Q,” Blair responded. “Do you actually believe that my mother, a woman who made pecan sandies for your brother’s scoliosis fundraiser, is a murderer? A stone cold killer, who along with her identical twin robbed twenty three banks along the panhandle of Florida? Do you even hear yourself?”

“I heard she was on the lam from the FBI,” Hannah Q said defiantly. “My source is reliable.”

“Well, your source is incorrect, Hannah Q,” Sterling explained. “And, also, the part about me being the lovechild of Ryan Seacrest is also, very, very unfortunately, most likely incorrect.”

“We don’t really know that,” Blair objected. “Could be. You do have a commanding presence.”

“I’m not sure I have enough of a dramatic pause to carry that legacy, so..., ... , ...probably not.”

“You’re right,” Blair agreed. “You really don’t. Need to punch it up, Sterl.”

The rumor mill was churning like a Land O’ Lakes factory. They thought that surely the Godliest amongst them would have enough tact to not be so incredibly judgy or ask dumbass questions as they attempted to bob and weave into Fellowship.

They were wrong.

So very wrong.

The girls felt the stares as they entered the large gathering room. Every pair of eyes seemed to be laser focused on the Wesleys.

“Sterl, if I have to answer one more question about possibly being switched at birth, I swear I’m going to scream,” Blair told Sterling. “Seriously, with all this attention, you’d think we got into USC on a rowing scholarship or something.”

“Psst!” they both heard from behind the door of Ellen’s office and turned to find just half of April’s face. The rest of her was mostly obscured. “Sterling, hey, psst.”

Blair couldn’t roll her eyes hard enough. “Why is that gnat of a human still buzzing around you?”

Sterling sighed, “Blair, please don’t.” 

“I can probably fashion a swatter in basket weaving class if you give me like three months and a dollar bill.”

April let her exasperation with Blair be known. “Must you be so juvenile?”

“Must you have that personality?” Blair asked in response to April’s question. She turned to Sterling. “Can we just ignore her? Worst case scenario is that she’s keeping another used condom in a baggy and I’m willing to take the chance.”

April stage whispered, “I can hear you and it was the wrapper!”

Blair shrugged. “I find it vaguely hilarious that you think that I care.”

“I’d find your GPA vaguely hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic,” April shot back. “Also, I’m not talking to you.”

“Please continue to not talk to me forever.” Blair knocked on the door just enough on the door for it to lightly bounce off April’s face. 

“Ow,” April complained, grabbing her nose. “Was that necessary?”

“As necessary as food and shelter, kumquat.”

“Okay, okay, okay. That is enough,” Sterling maneuvered in between them, pressing Blair back with her forearm. “Chill out.”

“Tell her to chill,” Blair pointed to April. “She needs to chill more.”

“I’m the chillest!” April argued. 

“I’m telling you to chill,” Sterling said to Blair. “Let me handle it.” Blair backed down, but continued to pout about it while Sterling turned to April. “What do you need, April? It’s been a really long day and I’m really tired of...everything.”

“I would like to discuss something with you, obviously. As I have stated multiple times.”

“She doesn’t have anything to say to you,” Blair was starting to get a little loud as she leaned around Sterling and pulled on her arm. “C’mon, Sterl.”

“Just a sec,” Sterling said to her and looked back to April. “Speak now.”

Blair wasn’t having it. “Sterling. Sterling. Sterling! Sterl!”

“Can you please,  _ please _ , give us a moment?” April finally asked Blair sincerely. “Privately. Please Blair.” She chanced a plea to Sterling, “C’mon, you owe me that.”

Blair looked at Sterling and searched her face for permission to leave them. When she found it, she glared back at April and growled. Literally. And then said, “She doesn’t owe you anything.”

“I’ll only be a few minutes,” Sterling assured her. “Grab me some Jonah Juice and some Whale crackers and save us seats on the good couch.”

As soon as Blair released her, April grabbed her other arm and pulled her into the office. She shut the door and locked it behind her. “She really has a bad case of separation anxiety,” she muttered to herself. “Like a neutered puppy.”

“Is it that kind of private?” Sterling asked, surprised, motioning toward the door.

“What?”

“What are you doing?” Sterling pointed to the door again. “Last time you locked that door-”

“Why didn’t you tell me about what happened to you?” April cut her off, not wanting to go there. “I had to hear it from Ezequiel and Hannah B. I had no idea.”

Sterling deflated slightly. Of course, this was about the rumors and/or truth going around. “There was nothing to tell.”

“Nothing to tell?” April nearly choked. “Sterling!”

“Okay,” Sterling acquiesced. “There was plenty to tell. It was just none of your business.”

It was shot meant to inflict pain and she could tell by the way April nearly physically recoiled that she had landed that punch marvelously. The shame burned briefly through her before she remembered that she wasn’t the one that put them here. If April had just held her damn hand at the lock-in, then the series of events that started this nightmare would have never come to pass.

She watched April staring at the wall for what felt like forever. She knew she was recovering. She’d give her time. Finally, April took a deep breath and quickly retreated to Ellen’s desk to sit on the edge. She settled before admitting, “Wow, that was more harsh than I expected.”

Sterling cleared her throat, regaining her own bearings. “What was I supposed to say?”   
“I don’t know,” April said, annoyance coloring her words. “I could have been there for you...as your Fellowship leader, of course.”

“No, you couldn’t,” Sterling said sadly. “I didn’t need spiritual help or for you to John 3:16 me, April. I needed an emotional outlet and apparently a ridiculously expensive therapist...according to my dad’s review of her on Yelp that I probably wasn’t supposed to see.”

“I attended Psych Summer Camp in eighth grade _ and _ I’ve seen Black Swan three times,” April argued. “I could have helped.”

“You couldn’t,” Sterling repeated. “In fact, you had  _ just _ told me you couldn’t be there for me. You had to put your family first, if I remember correctly. And, honestly, I remember that conversation verbatim. In vivid detail. Almost daily. So, no, you couldn’t be there for me...as my Fellowship leader, of course.”

“That’s when all of this happened?” April asked, almost fearing the answer she already knew. “It was right after you left the lock-in?”

“I don’t know what you heard,” Sterling said. “There’s some versions of the story that have me as a younger cloned version of my mother, although which one, I’m not sure. While absurd, it’s one of the closest theories.”

“People are repeating that? ” April scoffed. “I heard you were kidnapped. Were you kidnapped?”

“Yeah,” Sterling shrugged. “Well, I went from you dumping me to being kidnapped by my aunt to my aunt being my mother in the span of one really crazy night.”

“Sterling,” April said in a whisper. “Sterling, I’m so, so sorry. I would have stayed out there with you. If I had known-”

“It wouldn’t have mattered.”

“It might have,” April argued. “I should have stayed with you. Or never let you out in the first place.”

“Oh yeah,” Sterling said. “That would have been quite the improvement. To be stuck watching you pretend to be into Luke all night. I’ve seen the show, I’m not impressed.”

“I’m not- we’re not,” April sighed. “I apologize for doing what I did. I’m not proud of that. But, Luke and I are nothing more than friends. You know that I don’t like Luke.”

“Does  _ he _ ?”

“Does he know that  _ you _ don’t?” April asked her with a smirk that made Sterling back off.

“Fine.”

“Look, I’m sorry, but I explained why it had to be that way,” she said.

“You didn’t have to put it in my face like that,” Sterling disagreed. “I get it. I really do. I know you can’t  _ come out _ and I wouldn’t even want you to unless you wanted it for yourself. I just can’t believe you don’t want it for yourself.”

“You think I don’t  _ want _ to?”

“Don’t you think it’s time?”

“It’s  _ time _ ?” April shook her head in disbelief. “You’ve been dealing with this for five minutes. I’ve been dealing with this for as long as my memory allows. Don’t tell me what it’s  _ time _ for.”

Sterling held her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, that was out of line. I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t give me advice about... _ that _ .”

“You’re right,” Sterling acknowledged. “I seem to keep making that mistake and ruining everything.”

“It’s not a mistake. You’re not necessarily wrong,” April said. “I just can’t right now. And I need you to understand that.”

“Of course,” Sterling nodded. “I do understand it. It’s not the right time. I hear you. You know, I broke up with Luke because I needed to be alone and I needed to learn to be comfortable with myself without anybody else’s input. I understand needing time for it to feel right,” Sterling tried to explain. “And then, all of a sudden, there was  _ you.  _ I got ahead of myself.”

“I was always there.”

“Yeah, but you were  _ you _ ,” Sterling clarified. “Out of nowhere and-”

“I was always there,” April reiterated. “It was new for you, but not for me.”

Sterling regarded her for a second. “Oh. Um. Did you always feel that way...uh, a-about me?”

“Loaded question, Sterling Wesley.”

“You don’t have to answer.”

April paused and averted her eyes. “I’ve always felt something, yeah.”

“Really?” Sterling was surprised, though she wasn’t sure why. Probably because of the frank admission, because she must have had the thought before. “Cool.”

“Cool?” April laughed. “Sure.”

Sterling took a small step toward her, trying to reassure more than anything. “It’s flattering that you’ve always had a thing for me.”

“I didn’t say that,” April said defensively, as she slid off Ellen's desk. “Explicitly.”

“Still flattering,” Sterling choked out when she noticed how close they were standing. Sterling always got antsy when she was that close. She bit her lip, trying to keep from saying something stupid or kissing someone that had dumped her. 

April didn’t seem to have as much self-control because she reached out and pulled lightly on Sterling’s Willingham blazer. “I missed you.”

“You did?” Sterling was genuinely surprised to hear those words. “Me, too.” Her hands seemed to drift up to April’s face on their own accord as she leaned in without her permission. She felt April’s fingers dig into her hips and heard her sharp breaths as she rested her forehead against the other girl’s.

“We can’t-”

“I know,” Sterling groaned, but stayed there.

“-here,” April finished.

Sterling opened her eyes. “What?”

“Not here, but I can meet you somewhere,” April said. “We can go to my house.”

Sterling pulled back abruptly, putting distance between them. “I can’t go to your house. No.”

“The lakehouse?” April suggested hopefully. “Nobody will be there.”

Sterling took another step back, already regretting what she had to do. “April, there’s something else...”

“Okay...” April was still smiling, obviously still making plans for making out in her head. “Whatever it is, we can deal with it later.”

“There’s another part of the story,” Sterling reported. “The part that nobody has heard, because nobody else knows. And, if this is ever going to go anywhere, you and I, then you should really hear it from me.”

“There’s more to the saga?” April asked.

“Yeah,” Sterling said nervously. “Um, so the night I was kidnapped, Blair tracked me down. And she was able to do that with the help of our boss.”

“Your boss? At the yogurt shop?” April was following along. “Blair and the froyo guy foiled your kidnapping plot?”

“He’s not just a froyo guy.”

April nodded, trying to fit the pieces together, then suddenly her eyes got wide. “Is Blair with the froyo guy?”

“No, no, ew, no,” Sterling shivered in repulsion. “He’s like our dad-friend, ew! Gross!”

“Then why are the froyo guy and Blair hanging out?”

“They weren’t hanging out, they were tracking my debit card,” Sterling explained. “I had just bought a crap ton of Sour Patch kids.”

“I hate those,” April interjected. “Just pick one. Be sweet or be sour.”

“Ironic coming from you,” Sterling said. 

“Why do I need to hear this, Sterling?” April was getting impatient and had stepped back into her personal space. 

Sterling glanced down at the button of her shirt that April had found so fascinating. She swallowed hard, mouth dry. “It’s important.”

“More important than... _ other stuff _ ,” April intoned.

“Yeah, it is. Because the froyo guy is a bounty hunter,” Sterling finally blurted. “And Blair and I work for him. Or we did. We don’t anymore. I mean, I do. But, in a slightly different capacity now.”

April seemed to be calculating equations because she became very silent. “You...hm...what are you saying?”

“Blair and I were the ones who tracked down your dad, April,” she said. “We are the reason he went to prison. That’s why he’s suddenly so interested in Blair and me, not because of anything he knows about  _ you _ and me.”

Sterling felt the slight shove. It was reflexive, she assumed. April needed distance. She gave it to her immediately. 

“That makes no sense. You realize that, right?” April denied it. “You’re barely 17, Sterling. That’s probably illegal and it’s absolutely the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah, we kind of just fell into it after we wrecked our daddy’s truck into a skip,” Sterling continued. “And kept doing it for the money to repair it. The truck. Also, we’re pretty good at it and I loved it. Except the time I had to cuff a naked guy. That was tricky. ”

April just glared at her. “Oh, you love it, do you?”

“Yeah,” Sterling nodded as she watched the emotions trickle across April’s face. “You’re mad. I knew you’d be mad. But, we can talk about it. I can explain everything.”

April shook her head. “No, no. I don’t want to hear any explanation or get a run down of your wacky adventures. I just want you to go.”

“April-”

“Just go,” April said with an eerie calm. “We’re done here.”


	4. exile (feat. leo)

April had politely (not quite) requested that Sterling never speak to her again. And Sterling was nothing if not thorough. It had been weeks and Sterling hadn’t even coughed in her direction. She wasn’t so delusional that she didn’t feel the loss. April ached to talk to her, but April was also really, really pissed.

It was the worst betrayal. (The likes of which Judas would be involved.) It wasn’t even that Sterling had smacked her dad around and got him hauled off the jail. (He probably deserved it.) It wasn’t all the secrets. (And there were some doozies.) It wasn’t the crazy bounty hunting story. (Wo-ow.) All of it was insane and unbelievable in all it’s Keystone Cops glory. But, that’s not what did it.

Sterling had lied by omission when they were  _ together _ . She had kissed her and held her hand and touched her places that  _ no one _ had ever touched (not  _ there _ , but in the area). They had a relationship, an  _ intimate  _ (almost) relationship, for God’s sake. And all the while, she was keeping a huge secret. It was downright traitorous no matter the excuse.

They were done. So done. Yeah, she had said they were done before, but this time it was even more done. No going back. No “maybe someday.” It was over. Finit. They were never, ever getting back together.

April was busy daydreaming about just how adamant she was about never giving Sterling the time of day (with one last revenge makeout session preferably) when Ellen interrupted her musing with a request. It took her a second to shake the fog of the memory of Sterling’s lips out of her head before she was able to really process the words.

“...And I’d appreciate it if April Stevens and Sterling Wesley would stay after class to discuss a very special and most holy assignment with me.”

April shot a look at Sterling (she had moved three tables away in the interim), who seemed to be frozen.

“Uh, Miss Johnson,” April spoke up. “I won’t be able to stay after today, I’ve got to...um, I can’t because-”

“Do you have to poop?”

Blair freaking Wesley.

April shot her daggers from across the room. “No, Blair. I do not.”

“Then what could possibly be keeping you from meeting with Ms. Johnson and Sterling about a most holy assignment?” Blair asked with the biggest shit-eating grin April may have ever seen. (Pun intended.)

“That’s not what I have to do,” April regarded everyone else.

“It’ll just take a few minutes,” Ellen assured her. “So even if you do...”

“I don’t!”

“Everybody poops, April,” Blair called.

“Yeah, April!” Franklin grumbled. “Geez, just go to the bathroom already!”

“Oh my,” Ellen said. “Everyone calm down. April, if you need to be dismissed-”

“It’s fine. I can stay,” April finally gave in. She shot another glance toward Sterling, who seemed to still be locked into the same position.

“Good, it’s settled,” Ellen was pleased. “Neither of you go anywhere!”

She hung back while almost everyone else drifted out after class was dismissed. She watched Sterling and Blair out of the corner of her eye. They were chatting quietly until Blair looked over at her. “Why didn’t you just go with it?”

She refused to acknowledge Blair had spoken.

“I’ll meet you later,” Blair finally said to Sterling and reluctantly departed.

Sterling never even looked in her direction.

Ellen waited until Blair had cleared the room before gesturing to the girls to follow her. She swept into her office and made a show of presenting them with their Solomon’s Temple project with a “ta-da!”

April could barely contain herself. “I know you mean well-”

“Girls, do you know what this beautiful, angelic rendition of Solomon’s Temple symbolizes to me?” 

No answer was forthcoming.

“It’s your friendship. Look here. Look at the care and precision that went into making this beautiful Biblical building. Look at the delicate drops of blood painted with such determination. The walls are so strong and the design so impeccable. There’s a reason I implied that you should have gotten bonus points even though I’m not allowed to actually give bonus points on a midyear assignment...or to girls at all.”

April had forgotten how beautiful it was. “It’s great, but-”

“No buts, Miss Stevens,” Ellen said. “What could have possibly come between you?”

April and Sterling eventually looked at each other, daring the other to speak.

“Was it a boy?”

“No!” April practically shouted.

“Are you sure?” Ellen asked. “Stellas before fellas, amirite?”

Sterling found her voice. “No, Ellen, it wasn’t Luke if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Yeah, I mean, he’s a good kid. Charming enough. Tall and handsome, if you like that sort of thing,” Ellen said with her brows furrowed. Then she put her hand next to her mouth in mock secret, “But, he’s a little goofy.”

Sterling quietly agreed, but April said, “He is ridiculous.”

“So not Luke?”

“We’re both just so busy,” Sterling tried. “We just don’t have the time with school and...family.”

“Hm. Okay, okay,” Ellen thought for a second before pressing the both of them together into a hug. “I just refuse to give up on this friendship. So you two will be responsible for next week’s Spirit Spot!”

“Miss Johnson,” April struggled out of the hold. “There’s no way I can do Spirit Spot next week.”

“Yeah,” Sterling agreed. “I’m already swamped.”

“You girls were brought together briefly by one of my assignments before,” Ellen said as she pulled out the familiar jar of different Biblical characters. “Pick one and let the magic happen again.”

Sterling gestured to April, knowing that they weren’t getting out of this no matter how much they squirmed. “Go ahead.”

April plucked the first slip of paper her hand came into contact with and handed it off after she had read it. “Daniel.”

“So exciting,” Ellen whispered. “Just so, so exciting.”

While Ellen feasted on her excitement, April couldn’t be further from “excited” if she was dropped onto a lesbian two-story roller coaster by a unicorn shaped helicopter while it was raining Skittles.

“I’ll text you a plan,” she told Sterling sternly. 

“April, we can be civil enough to get through one Spirit Spot.”

“I said I’ll text you a plan,” April said again. “Do what I say and it’ll be over soon enough.”

It was the next Sunday night before April could even bring herself to try to text Sterling. Every single time she looked at that text thread, she got emotional. It wasn’t necessarily incriminating, which is why she was able to justify not deleting it. It was full of cutesy emojis that normally would make her want to vomit, though. Sterling was adorable. Her face was adorable and her texting was adorable and the pictures that she sent of her and April in the back of the Volt were, indeed, adorable. 

Which was horrible. Horrible adorable.

There was one image, in particular, that April couldn’t scroll past. Sterling had the cutest grin on her face as she rested her head on April’s shoulder. April had just looked down at her because Sterling had said something. “Smile,” she recalled as she thought back. It was the first one Sterling had taken and she wasn’t quite ready for it. It had been late that evening. No one else would probably notice the red marks that dusted April’s neck or the way her shirt had wrinkled around the collar. No one else would know that’s the way Sterling looked after she’d made out with a girl all night in the back of her car. That silly grin was for her. It was for that night, in that moment.

She pressed the trash button which prompted her phone to ask if she was sure she wanted to delete the image.

“Am I sure?” she asked herself, alone in her room. “Of course, I’m not sure.”

She didn’t delete it. She hadn’t the first ten times she had tried either.

Finally, she hammered out a message and forced herself to press send.

_ April: Daniel, Chapter 6. Obviously, we’ll go with the lions’ den. Your sister’s precious lacrosse team is playing Attenbury Prep next week. The mascot is the Lion. It works out perfectly. _

It only took a few seconds for a response.

_ Sterling: Sounds good. _

_ April: Normally, I would go for production value, but I’m just going to do a dramatic reading. No further collaboration will be necessary.  _

_ Sterling: So, you don’t need me to do anything? _

_ April: No. I guess that makes you the lion. Dress up. Good night. _

April placed her phone on her desk before hopping into bed. She had started keeping it out of arm’s length recently. She knew what would happen if she kept it close. She pulled the sleeves down on Sterling’s UGA sweatshirt and rolled onto her side. Sleep was getting harder to come by these days. When she was alone, all the feelings came out. There was no way to ignore it. The Sterling box got opened every night.

_ Ding. _

April pushed herself up on her elbow. The screen on her phone lit with a new message. She laid back down. It was best if she didn’t check. It could be anything. 

_ Ding. _

She pulled the sweatshirt over her nose, wishing for the second, third and hundredth time that it still had Sterling’s smell. It didn’t. It would never again and she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why she still did this to herself.

_ Ding. _

April leaned up again to see the light of her phone glowing. There was no good reason to check those messages. She knew it, but she kicked the sheets off of her and trudged over to her phone anyway.

_ Sterling: The lion. Got it. Good night. _

_ Sterling: Are you sure you don’t need me to do anything else? _

_ Sterling: Let me know. _

What was she expecting? She put the phone back and went back to bed.

Spirit Spot was a school wide pep assembly for whatever featured team the “hosts” chose for that week. It wasn’t something April usually put any thought into whatsoever. She’d never had to care, school sanctioned sporting was not typically on her priority list. She did, however, have certain standards when anything was attributed to her. And those standards were high. 

When the day arrived, she was ready. She had laminated posters and arranged for the expensive PA system with lion roars queued and had Mark, the drama club’s most senior lighting guy, running the spotlight. All of her T’s were crossed, so when she saw a six foot costumed lion coming at her, she was truly bewildered.

It was Sterling. She knew Sterling’s walk. There was a certain cadence to it. She just didn’t know  _ why _ she was dressed like a lion. 

“This is heavier than it looks,” Sterling said as she approached. “And it’s hot. How do people do this professionally?”

“What are you doing?” April asked her, still shocked at the spectacle.

“Spirit Spot,” came Sterling’s muffled answer. “Duh.”

April just kept staring. “You’re a lion, Sterling.”

“Uh, yeah,” Sterling retorted. “You said dress the part.”

“Up,” April seethed. “Dress  _ up _ .”

“We wear uniforms everyday, April,” Sterling said in confusion. “What the heck?”

“This just proves how utterly incompatible we really are!”

“Because I can’t read your mind?”

“Look at you,” April gave her a disgusted onceover. “You look like a Wizard of Oz reject.”

“I spent 375 bucks on this and had it shipped overnight!” Sterling was affronted. “This is the most legit lion I could get my hands on this fast.”

“Nobody asked you to,” April reminded her. “I meant wear your skirt and blazer.”

“Then why didn’t you just say that?”

Just as April figured, the sight of Sterling dressed as a giant lion was quite the hit. Her whole dramatic reading was overshadowed by laughter as Sterling awkwardly stroked her lion tail the whole time. It was a good thing that it was a 15 minute affair because April was ready to shoot to the moon by the time it was over. She stomped off the makeshift stage and out of the building while Sterling bumbled behind her.

“Would you stop?” Sterling called as she labored to breathe inside the costume. “I said I was sorry!”

“I don’t know what I was thinking. How did I not see this coming?” April asked, mostly to herself. “You are exactly who I thought you were.”

“What are you talking about?” Sterling struggled to understand as much as she was struggling to remove the lion head. “I thought this is what you wanted.” 

“Why? Why would you think that?” April spun on her heel to face her. “Just be honest, were you trying to humiliate me?”

“Of course not,” Sterling said slowly, scared to answer any questions at this point. “Why would you think that?”

“Did you go after my father to humiliate me?” April asked her point blank. “Was it revenge? Was all of this revenge?”

“Whoa,” Sterling put the lion head on the ground and pulled off the giant paws. “No! I never meant to hurt you, April. I would never do that. The thing with your dad was obviously before we ever-”

“But, you had so many opportunities to tell me,” April said, fighting tears. “And that’s the only reason I can come up with. That you intended to hurt me. And I’m not even sure I blame you, because I was intending to hurt  _ you _ .”

“I wanted to tell you,” Sterling swore. “But how was I supposed to tell you that I was the reason your family was ripped apart?”

“Easy, Sterling,” April said. “Just say it. Tell the truth. Instead of kissing me and pretending like you liked me-”

“I  _ did _ like you!”

“-you just  _ tell _ me.”

“I wanted to,” Sterling said. “And don’t act like you think I didn’t really like you.”

“How am I supposed to trust that, Sterling?”

“You know I do.”

“Do I?”

Sterling inched closer, the giant mane of the costume brushing against April. “You  _ know _ I do.”

April took a step back with a look of warning. “Don’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You betrayed me in the worst way.”

Sterling retreated, nearly tripping on the tail between her legs. “I was doing my job. At the time, I wasn’t really thinking about how that would affect us. There was no reason to care at the time. But, I’m sorry I did it now.”

“Not because you did it, Sterling,” April screeched. “How do you not understand this?”

“I do.”

“No, you obviously don’t,” April said. “Because if you understood it, then you would have told me.”

“I couldn’t,” Sterling asserted. “I made a promise to Blair.”

“You made a promise to  _ me _ ,” April reminded her. “Honesty, remember. Day One at The Fun Zone, I asked you to be honest with me because that’s the only way we’d be able to trust each other to keep the secret.”

She knew she had Sterling on the ropes then. She knew because she could read the realization on her face. They had come to an impasse that couldn’t be bridged.

“So what does this mean?” Sterling whispered.

April bucked up. She spoke with the authority that she’d lost during this whole debacle. “Only one thing to do. We go back to being sworn enemies.”

“We aren’t sworn enemies, April.” Sterling rolled her eyes. “Maybe we aren’t best friends, maybe we aren’t girlfriends-”

“We aren’t anything. I can’t trust you, Sterling,” April said. “I couldn’t trust you in fifth grade and I can’t trust you now. You just keep proving it over and over.”

She kicked the lion head as she made her departure. 


	5. my tears richochet

It was a random Tuesday during her Senior year at Willingham that she was essentially outed. It was so weird because she hadn’t been with anybody. She hadn’t told anybody. She hadn’t thought that it would ever come back up to be honest. Not the bisexual thing, which was only a label placeholder and subject to change. That wasn’t that big of a deal to her. But, the April thing specifically, that was the most surprising part. That was a big deal. Or had been. Once upon a time.

Sterling didn’t even know where it came from. It had been over a year ago. They had gone back to barely even acknowledging the other. Not knowing the origin hadn’t changed the rumor mill, though. Someone thought they knew something. Well, someone did. Because everything going around was true. April was gay. Her and Sterling had made out in Sterling’s car last year. It was accurate, just very old news (according to her, anyway.)

“Toffee chunks with marshmallows and blueberry drizzle,” Blair announced as they played Top Five Most Disgusting Combos Ever Ordered. “There was nothing redeeming in that cup.”

“Do you really think she told somebody?” Sterling asked as she scrubbed the chocolate fountain at Yogurtopia. “What’s her angle?”

“Okay,” Blair groaned and kicked her feet against the counter. “We’ve been discussing this for three hours. She had to have told somebody, Sterl. The only other people that know are you and me. You didn’t spill the beans and I break out in fever blisters if her name even passes my lips. Which is a sign of the apocalypse, I’m pretty sure. Also, I’ve put unground coffee beans that some dude brought from home in a froyo once. That’s gotta qualify.”

“But, why?” Sterling wondered aloud. “After everything that happened last year. Why now?”

“Maybe she’s finally comfortable and decided to test the waters,” Blair opined. “Put some feelers out to see how Her Gayness would fare among the peasants.”

“Without warning me?”

Blair literally laughed out loud at that. “Seriously?”

“I know you don’t like April-”

“Understatement.”

Sterling reframed the comment. “I know you have an intense loathsome disposition toward April-”

“Yes,” Blair agreed. “I believe that’s where we finally settled.”

“-but, would she do this to herself?”

“Crushed banana with root beer and chocolate raspberry drippings,” Blair said. “It looked like a banana sludge shit float.”

Sterling paused her scrubbing to look at her sister. “That can’t be real.”

“Why would I lie about that?” Blair asked in dismay.

“Okay, that might be the #1,” Sterling agreed. “Sounds disgusting.”

“Blair!” Bowser bellowed as he quickly moved through the store. “We need to go check out a last known location. Let’s go, let’s go.”

Blair rolled her eyes. “Back to the grindstone for me then.”

“You guys have fun,” Sterling said, going back to cleaning. “I’ll lock up here and run interference for you with Andy and Debbie.”

“I appreciate it,” Blair replied as they exchanged high fives. “See you later.”

Bowser paused as they walked through the front door. “Can you handle everything here?”

“Of course,” she answered, holding up her chocolate-tinged sponge. “I’ve got this.”

He sighed sadly. “You know I appreciate what you do here, but we could use-”

“I’ve got this,” she repeated. “You two do that.”

Yes. Blair was back to bounty hunting. Actually, besides a very brief break after everything went to hell, Blair never stopped bounty hunting. It wasn’t for Sterling anymore, though. She worked at Yogurtopia, pretty much running the place for Bowser. He paid her very well in return. It was really the best of both worlds. She heard all the stories, she used their resources to dig a little on her own case. But, she enjoyed the quiet that came with the yogurt shop after 8PM. 

“I think she told,” Cathy said out of nowhere as she restocked the nut toppings. “And if you two want to keep things to yourself, you should really stop yappin’ so much. Either way, you should ask April. It’s your business, too. But not mine, so do whatever you want.”

Sterling agreed.

So, the next day, Sterling promised herself she would confront April. That was a task way easier said than done. She hadn’t spoken to April since the day she kicked her lion head into a puddle. Before their history had been revealed, it wasn’t an activity on her list of things to do. She’d rather eat minced garlic on her froyo.

Sure, she thought about her. She watched with rapt attention when she knew she wouldn’t be noticed. April went about everything with a seemingly flawless effortlessness and that 100% applied to the aftermath of Sterling and April. If she had missed a beat, Sterling hadn’t seen it. And no, their relationship wasn’t as contentious as before. It was just nonexistent. And honestly, sometimes that was worse because nothing filled the void, not even hate...or an intense loathsome disposition.

She woke up that morning with a knot in her stomach, almost just feigned a stomach flu and ignored the whole thing. That would be cowardly, though. And that wasn’t Sterling P. Wesley. Instead, she pulled herself out of bed and took a scalding hot shower. She may have used some of Blair’s better smelling body wash, but she wouldn’t cop to it. She meticulously combed her hair and picked out her freshest Willingham button-down and brightest navy slacks. Looking good meant performing well. She went to breakfast, but mostly just nibbled on a buttermilk biscuit and choked down a few swallows of orange juice.

“Do we have a test today that I don’t know about?” Blair finally asked as they drove to school. “Because you are unusually tense.”

“No,” Sterling answered distractly. “No test.”

“Good, because I haven’t cracked a book since last semester when they made us sit according to the alphabetical order of our  _ first _ names,” Blair complained. “Bitches.”

“How are you getting into college again?”

“I’m a jock?” Blair answered with the hint of a question.

“You know I won’t be at Tech for you to copy from, right?”

“Is this about the Stevens thing?” Blair ventured, changing from what was the very touchy subject of their impending separation. “Because, I don’t think many people even believe it.”

“I don’t care if people know,” Sterling said without reservation. “I’m the one who wanted to tell, remember.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Blair nodded. “You’ve gotten through the last several months relatively unscathed. You sure you want to wade back into all that? You can just ignore it. It’s a 24 hour news cycle, Sterl. It’s probably forgotten.”

It wasn’t forgotten.

Least of all, by Sterling.

Her morning classes absolutely crawled by at a snail’s pace. She couldn’t think about anything except what she was likening to a showdown. Blair was right. She could walk away from it. She could ignore the whispers and forget the whole thing ever happened. All of it. Her thing with April was barely a blip in time. She’d been with Luke for years. She’d thought she was in love with him. Maybe she was. She was almost certain she had loved April, too, though. And that was terrifying because, damn, well, it was barely a blip. If all these feelings remained after a week-long flirtation and two and a half makeout seshes, then...what? She couldn’t just let it go. Especially if April had decided to bring it back up. However weird her intentions might be.

Sterling had her chance about midway through the day. They shared a homeroom. It was the one class they had together, due to some shifting of schedules by both girls when school reconvened. She creeped up on April, knowing the element of surprise would only help.

“...It’s just that there’s no way that I would be with  _ her _ ,” April was telling Ezequiel and Hannah B as she walked up.

“Uh,” Hannah B. subtly pointed to her. “April-”

“If there’s anyone that I can’t stand, it’s Sterling Wesley,” April continued with a flair. “Well, maybe, Blair Wesley. But, also, Sterling. No, never.”

Hannah B cringed while trying to cut her off, “April, uh-”

“Even if I was a lesbian, which I’m not saying I am, Sterling Wesley is not someone I’d fraternize with,” April kept on.

“April!” Hannah B was panicking.

“It’s okay, Hannah B,” Sterling finally spoke up. “I’m well aware that April can’t stand me.”

April startled enough that Sterling could see her tense up even from behind. She turned so slowly that Sterling wondered if she had been stricken with some motility issue. When they finally came face to face, April was pale. She hadn’t expected Sterling to initiate a chat, that’s for sure.

April swallowed audibly. “Sterling.”

“April,” Sterling said calmly. “Can I speak with you?”

“Absolutely not,” April said as she turned back around. 

“Well, I’m going to talk,” Sterling said. “I’d rather not have this discussion in front of your minions, but-”

Ezequiel scoffed, but didn’t say a word.

“We’re not discussing this!” April exclaimed. 

Sterling rolled her eyes. “Fine. It’s come to my attention that there’s a  _ rumor  _ going around about us and I’d li-”

April shot out of her chair so fast that it fell over. She snatched Sterling’s arm and made a beeline for the hallway.

“So, you didn’t want to do this publicly?” Sterling teased while she was being dragged out.

Their progress stopped as suddenly as it started when April wheeled around on her, rage bubbling in her eyes. “Why would you do this? It was forever ago, Sterling. Get over it already.”

“I didn’t do it!” Sterling defended herself, rubbing her upper arm where April had just squeezed the crap out of her. “Why would I?”

“You and Blair are the only people who know,” April surmised. “So it was you or it was your asshole sister at your behest.”

“I swear to you, April,” Sterling held her hands up in surrender. “It was not me nor my asshole sister.”

“Must I repeat that we’re the only people that know?”

“Apparently not.” Sterling leaned back against the wall. She made a show of tapping her chin. “You know what? I think you were the one who told.”

“Me?” April squealed. 

“I just can’t figure out why.”

“Why would I tell anyone? I never told a soul,” April countered. “That’s why we’re doing this, Sterling. That’s the whole point!”

“The whole point of what?” Sterling asked, confused. 

April seemed to be confused at her confusion, “What? What do you mean what?”

“The whole point of what, April?” Sterling repeated. “What are we doing?”

“Ignoring each other,” April said. “I mean, that’s why we don’t speak.”

“I thought we didn’t speak because I, quote, betrayed you in the worst way, unquote.”

April stared for a moment, “Yeah. Yes, that’s right.”

“What are we doing, April?” Sterling was curious. “Do you even remember?”

April softened until she saw a crowd gathering down the corridor. She lifted her voice, “I remember that you keep screwing me over. At home, at school, and now you’re trying to insinuate we had some relationship. What’s wrong with you?”

Sterling looked behind her, expecting onlookers. That was April’s downfall every time. She was terrified of what people would think and she would do anything to come out looking better from a dustup. Saving face was the name of this game and it didn’t matter who would get crushed.

“April-”

“If you’re a lesbian, Sterling, just be a lesbian,” she continued, only getting louder. “You don’t have to involve me in whatever twisted fantasy you seem to have. It follows, though, right? With all your sexual exploits last year, and your drinking problem, and let’s not forget your druggie felon mother apparently just giving you away to her rich relatives.”

Sterling gasped at the new low in which April had just gone. “That’s too far,” she hissed in warning. 

April seemed to register that fact just a few words too late, because she sucked in her own breath and immediately backed off. “Sterl,” she whispered. “I didn’t me-”

“I hope it was worth keeping your precious reputation intact because you’re a fucking bitch, April Stevens.” 


	6. mirrorball

April had been sitting in her SUV in front of Yogurtopia for over an hour. Just sitting. Like an idiot. She couldn’t even recall the drive over. She’d been on autopilot. Not surprising, she’d been on autopilot for nearly a year at this point. She knew Yogurtopia was where Sterling would be and she always seemed to seek Sterling out. Always. Even when she’s fighting against it. Even when she knew better. 

And she knew better.

So much better.

Didn’t matter, though.

April always ends up  _ wanting _ to be near Sterling, close to her, with her. And until tonight, she had done a perfect job of ignoring that instinct for such a long time. It was impossible to ignore now. April had hurt her. She knew it immediately. She felt it herself. Yeah, April had lit a match and burned down everything. She was in scramble mode trying to fix it. Because she  _ had _ to fix it.

She doesn’t even know why she did it. Okay, she does know why. She felt like she was backed into a corner. And when a Stevens is backed into a corner, they come out swinging. She did. And she K.O.’d the one person who actually meant anything.

Sterling was exactly right. April Stevens was a fucking bitch. But, today had been the very first time that she’d ever felt  _ bad _ about it. It was especially deflating when she learned how the story got out. That was the only shred of defense that she was clinging to. She felt like it was justified if Sterling or Blair had been the gossipy culprit. They weren’t. And now. Well, now she had to apologize. And April Stevens was a fucking bitch that  _ did not _ apologize for being a fucking bitch. Unless, it involved Sterling Wesley. And that was only, like, maybe once.

She braced herself for the inevitable backlash and got out of the car. Her intention was to slip in quietly, but the bell above the door gave her away immediately. Much to her surprise, she was not met with the Wesley of her choice.

“What the hell made you think it would be a good idea to show up here?” Blair all but came unglued when April stepped inside. “Go right back into your hellscape, Satan!”

She was ready for a fight with Sterling. April could handle Sterling. But, Blair. Eh. Blair was just annoying. “I obviously didn’t come here to see you.”

“Of course not,” Blair practically screamed. “But you’re not seeing her, either. So scoot, bitch.”

“I deserve that.”

“You deserve to get firebombed,” Blair accused. “Leave. Now.”

“Is she here?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Blair, is she here?” April asked again. “Because I’m going to track her down one way or another. We can cut to the chase or we can keep going in circles with this really old, tired verbal sparring dynamic that you’ve grown so fond of.”

“You can fuck right off,” Blair said, determined not to give in. “She may be willing to give you chance after chance after chance, but I’m not. I don’t know why she suddenly has blinders on when it comes to your shit, but I don’t.”

“Listen, you have every right to be mad-”

“Don’t need your permission for my righteous rage!”

“-but, I’m here to apologize to her,” April told her. “Because I know I was wrong.”

“You don’t get to apologize to make yourself feel better about being a shitty human,” Blair countered. “And that’s what you are, April. You’re a shit human with an ugly soul and you go after people who don’t deserve it just to make yourself feel better for being so completely shitty.”

April surprisingly took the attack without striking back. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“My sister is a good person,” Blair went on. “Hell, she’s a terrific person. She’s honest and caring and legitimately just wants to do the right thing by people. And I’ll never, ever understand why she’s so caught up in you. But, why don’t you do her a favor and just stay the hell away from her. Leave her be. You’ve done it for a year now. We only have a few months left, so just let her go.”

“You think I don’t want to?” April asked her. “I’m not the one who started this again.”

“No,” Blair said plainly. “I don’t think you want to. I think you want her. And I think you’ll manipulate whoever and whatever you have to do to make it happen. Sterl may be too naive to notice, but I know you’re keeping eyes and tabs on her.”

“Sterling and my relationship is really none of your damn business, Blair,” April responded. “And I appreciate this little show of force, but it’s her decision whether she wants to talk to me or not. Not yours. So, yay, good for you, you’re a great cheerleader, but you’re not doing her any favors by trying to run me off.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Blair said. “She doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.”

“We both know that’s not true,” April said with a wry smile. “But, whatever lets you sleep at night.”

“Get out!”

“Gladly,” April said as she passed back through the door.

At soon as she was on the other side, all that bravado evaporated. April could go tit-for-tat with Blair until the end of time. That was easy. She could endure all the insults that Blair could conjure up. It didn’t really affect her. When left alone, all the energy vanquished, though. By the time she reached her car, she felt defeated. She hadn’t fixed it. And she  _ had _ to fix it.

“Did she let you have it?” April heard from the shadows and she spun around trying to locate the voice.

“Sterl?”

Sterling stepped out from the corner of the building and glanced back inside, intentionally remaining unseen by its occupants. “Bowser and I went to Whole Foods for an emergency fresh fruit run for tomorrow. I was taking the boxes in when I heard the commotion. Sounded like Blair was firing on all cylinders.”

“Yeah,” April gestured toward the shop. “She’s relentless when it comes to defending your honor, I’ll give her that.”

“She’s my sister,” Sterling reminded her. “And my best friend. And...also, my cousin.”

April shot her a look of regret. “Look about earlier-”

“Sometimes I get on a roll with life and work and school and preparing for UGA and I forget all about everything that happened last year,” Sterling explained. “And for these brief flashes of time, there’s no alternate family and Blair is still my twin and you don’t even exist.”

“That must be nice.”

“It is,” Sterling admitted. “But, then, someone finds out about us. And you tell a group of freshmen about my ‘druggie felon mother’ and it’s all back. And it’s all ugly. And it all sucks. So, I let her say things that maybe I’m too nice to say.”

“I cannot apologize enough for what happened earlier.”

“No, you really can’t,” Sterling said. “You can try, though.”

“Sterling, I’m so, so sorry,” April began. “That was below the belt and I’m ashamed of it. While remarks of that nature were fair game in the past for me, I feel like we’ve progressed to a place in our personal relationship that it was completely unacceptable. My apologies for invoking your family situation in a conversation that certainly didn’t merit a mention and I hope that you’ll forgive me.”

“Okay,” Sterling looked skeptical. “Did you practice that?”

April shrugged. “I sat in my car for a while before going in. I ran through it a couple of times.”

“It was good.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m not sure about the ‘progressing to a place in our personal relationship’ part, but the rest was exceptional.”

“If you can critique my apology to my face, then we’ve progressed in our personal relationship.”

“That’s great, because I’m not sure we even have one.”

“We do,” April said quickly. “We always will.”

Sterling mulled over that for more than a moment. “I accept.”

“Our personal relationship?”

“Your apology.”

April breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“You were on defense, you were spooked,” Sterling said. “And I’m sure you think it was me that told your secret.”

“ _ Our _ secret.”

Sterling nodded. “If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have kept it. But, it wasn’t solely up to me.”

“I know it wasn’t you,” April confessed. “I honestly thought it was. And that doesn’t excuse what I said to you, but I felt like you were trying to provoke me for some reason.”

“So, who was it?” Sterling asked. “Because it wasn’t Blair if that’s what you think.”

“After our discussion I started to get serious about tracking the source,” April said. “Turns out, the first utterance of any kind about you and me in your car on Willingham’s campus was made by a recent transfer in the third floor boy’s bathroom approximately 84 hours ago.”

Sterling was shocked. “By who?”

“He doesn’t matter,” April continued. “Because it didn’t start with him.”

“Who did it start with?”

“Craig Wu.”

Sterling searched her memory. “Master debater, Craig Wu?”

“That’s the one,” April confirmed. “He updated his dossier on me. And somehow, some way, he found out about us.”

“Oh,” Sterling took it in. “Okay.”

“Just...okay?”

“Okay,” Sterling shrugged. “It’s true. There was nothing about the story that wasn’t fact.”

“It is true,” April agreed. “And I probably brought it on myself. At this year’s debate tournament, I brought up his father’s tax evasion.”

“Craig Wu, huh?” Sterling chuckled. “You solved the case, congratulations.”

“It was a hollow victory,” April conceded. 

“A victory nonetheless.”

“Okay, well...” April started to leave. She glanced back at her car and fingered the keys in her pocket. She had come and apologized and that was what she had set out to do. She had fixed it, but some force kept her feet planted there. “You said earlier that sometimes you can forget that any of this ever happened.”

Sterling made a noncommittal noise of acknowledgement.

“I haven’t quite gotten there yet,” April admitted. “Everything about us is still seared into my mind. I still think about it everyday. I still wonder what could have been if I had been just a little more brave that night. Or you hadn’t karate chopped my father on the docks of our lake house.”

“Or dressed up as a lion.”

“That may have been an overreaction.”

“You think?” Sterling shot back sarcastically. “I had to get my head dry cleaned. It cost almost as much as the whole costume.”

“If I hadn’t done what I did today...then maybe,” April said finally. “Because that really was the final straw, wasn’t it?”

“I don’t know, April,” Sterling said. “We seem to always end up back...here.”

“I was almost glad that it was out,” April declared. “When I heard, my first thought was that it might possibly give us a chance. If people know...”

“I thought you were done with this,” Sterling reminded her. “That’s what you said.”

“Because I was mad, Sterling!” April shouted. “I was pissed that you kept something so important from me.”

“I know.”

“And then you just stopped trying.”

“What?” Sterling coughed out. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You gave up.”

Sterling wanted to pull her hair out. “You told me to leave you alone.”

“Well, I didn’t mean forever,” April decoded. “I probably did at the time, but not really.”

“Oh my god, you’re impossible to keep up with.”

April smiled, knowing it was true, and made the conscious decision to make it just a little more impossible. “You look really good, Sterling. When you came up to me, that was the first thing I thought. It has been so long since I’ve seen you up close. And, you look...good. I’m sorry that I didn’t say that. I’m sorry that it turned into what it did. I’m sorry I’m still so ridiculously scared of what other people think.”

Sterling gawked at her. She shot a look back into Yogurtopia to make sure Blair was still accounted for and then continued to gawk at April some more. She opened and closed her mouth a few times. “Uhh...”

“Am I allowed to say that?”

Sterling fought a grin and threw up her hands in a WTF gesture. “Sure.”

“Do you think we could call a truce finally?” April asked hopefully. “We don’t have to sing kumbaya or anything, but avoiding you takes a lot of energy. And I don’t want to anymore.”

“I don’t like avoiding you either,” Sterling said. “But, now our  _ past _ is common knowledge at school. And you’re not good with scandal, so...”

“Give me a chance.”

“April, listen,” Sterling started, “You and I are complicated. So, so,  _ so _ complicated. And, yeah, I  _ know _ we have a personal relationship. I wonder where it could have gone, too. A lot. All the time. I wish it would have worked out because I really, really liked you. But, you  _ are _ scared of what that might mean to everyone else. We both know that’s why you did what you did today and what you’ll probably continue to do. And that’s why I’m not so sure that I can give you a chance. I don’t have the energy for  _ that _ .”

“Liked?”

Sterling shook her head, biting her lip to keep the words at bay. 

“My feelings for you aren’t past tense,” April said. “Just so you know.”

“April!” Sterling looked nearly pained by the twist in the conversation. “You can’t embarrass me at school, then stalk me at work, and then act like you want to give us another shot. It doesn’t work like that.”

“I’m just being honest with you.”

“It’s not  _ always _ the best policy.”

“Think about it.”

Sterling tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and shifted uncomfortably. “Maybe.”

April took a few steps into the shadows, toward Sterling, effectively trapping her against the outer wall of the yogurt shop. “Maybe? Are you saying there’s a  _ chance _ ?”

“I don’t even know what I’m saying,” Sterling replied. “I’m tired and it’s been a long day and I didn’t anticipate any of this and you’re...you.”

April took one step back and then another. She kept walking backward and watching Sterling with the biggest grin on her face. “Remember the tree we used to climb at the park off Ridgewood?”

“Yeah,” Sterling answered reluctantly, not knowing where the question was headed. “What about it?”

“After you’ve rested and thought about it and remembered all the perks of our personal relationship, maybe you can meet me there Saturday at noon.”

“Are you serious?” Sterling asked her because she could not be serious.

“Come and find out.”


	7. seven

Sterling had seven solid reasons why there was absolutely no way in hell she was meeting April Stevens at a tree in the park on Saturday at noon.

Reason #1: It was April Stevens and no good had come from her dalliance with April Stevens. Unless you counted the fact that April Stevens was a very, very good kisser. Which had been a pleasant surprise. Not that it was that crazy, because she had very supple lips. Just an observation.

Reason #2: She was scheduled to work on Saturday. She hadn’t missed a day since securing her job at Yogurtopia. Sure, she’d already called Bowser with a hypothetical situation in which she very well might take the day off and maybe it would be a good idea to have Emo Joe on deck to cover her shift. He did seem fine with it. Encouraged it even. So, well...there was that. 

Reason #3: It was much too cool to go playing in the park this Saturday. Just because she’d gone out and bought a new pair of jeans and a cute long sleeved top didn’t mean that she’d actually wear that out there. It was freakin’ February. Who went to the park in February?

Reason #4: Blair would be so pissed. What Blair didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. Besides, Blair had her own plans on Saturday, so she wouldn’t necessarily be lying about anything. Just doing her own thing, which is totally fine. Right? Right.

Reason #5: Did she really want to get into all this again? The whole thing with April was so dramatic and emotionally taxing. Probably didn’t help that it coincided with her whole life being flipped like a table with really expensive china. 

Reason #6: What if this was the ultimate gotcha moment? What if April didn’t show? Or she did show and she had Ezequiel and Hannah B with her doing some live documentary on Sterlings in the wild? What then?

Reason #7: Did she want it to mean what she thinks it would mean if she showed up and April was there and they talked and hung out all day and actually did call that truce? What if she wanted more, but April didn’t? Could she do that to herself?

She had seven solid reasons to not go.

She went anyway. 

Curiosity kills the cat, they say. And she was so curious about why April Stevens would mention meeting up at the tree that they hadn’t been to in seven years. So, she put on those new jeans and long sleeved top, she called Bowser to tell him she was taking the day off, and she made sure Blair would be across town visiting her newest guy-friend before borrowing her dad’s new hunting truck (with permission) and driving to that park off Ridgewood.

Sterling tracked over the small hill that did little to hide the sprawling oak tree that their little group of friends seemed to adopt back in grade school. It was a centralized location for them then. It served as a base, a clubhouse, a place synonymous with camaraderie. Sterling couldn’t help but see it as a reminder of a life that was long since gone. 

She caught sight of April at 40 paces and tried to suppress her grin at the obviousness of April’s shivering. The other girl was bundled in a heavy jacket and leaning against the trunk with her arms wrapped around her.

“You came,” April said as she walked up to the tree, hands buried in her pocket because of the cold and the nerves coursing through her.

“Yeah, I had to make sure that April Stevens wasn’t replaced by a pod person, because the April I know doesn’t apologize for anything,” she answered.

“Maybe I’m different?” April suggested as she stood to her full height. “I feel I’ve grown.”

Sterling took up taller and smirked. “You have definitely not grown.”

“Don’t be a jerk!” April laughed it off. The laugh morphed into a knowing smile. “You came.”

Sterling toed the dirt. “I had plenty of reasons not to.”

“But you did.”

“I did,” she finally said, glancing up. “Why here?”

“Neutral ground?” April said, slightly unsure. “Good memories of us...without being... _ those _ memories of us.”

Sterling pointed up to a branch about seven feet high, “My most vivid memory is you climbing up to that limb and being too chicken to jump.”

“I was not too chicken!” April argued. “I was wearing brand new shoes and it was particularly muddy that day.”

Sterling chuckled. “I believe you declared it was much more impressive if you could name all 27 amendments to the Constitution and then proceeded to do so.”

“That was more impressive,” April said. “I agree with 11 year old me.”

“I’m not climbing up there if that’s what you’re expecting,” Sterling said. “You’re more than welcome to, though.”

“I wasn’t planning on doing any climbing today,” April reported.

“Then what were you planning?”

“I don’t know,” April answered with a smile. “I wouldn’t have bet on you even showing up, to be honest.”

They both stood around awkwardly for a few minutes looking around the park, taking note of what was different, what was the same. Sterling wondered if this was just a test and that soon enough April would announce that she was leaving, but it was cool that she showed. She prepared for the real possibility and looked back over to her daddy’s truck.

“How long has it been since you’ve been on a swing?” April quizzed her, gesturing toward an old rusty swing set that had to have there for fifty years.

“Not as long as you’d think,” Sterling kidded. She took off toward it. “Let’s do this.”

They spent much longer swinging in silence that one would think two high school seniors at an elite prep school that were just about to graduate and go off to respectable universities would. Sterling had so many things she wanted to say. They were all on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t quite form the words. April had been in her life for ten years. Most of those years, they were at each other’s throats. Before that, they were the best of friends. For a short period of that time, they were something more than friends. And now, they were a mess of feelings and regrets and missed opportunities. But, here they were. Together. Swinging.

“So, what’s the end game, April?” she finally worked up the courage to ask. “Why did you ask me to come here?”

April let her feet drag the ground to halt her progress and slowly stilled as she gripped the chains. “After we had our contretemps the other day, I didn’t want to leave it like that. It felt unresolved.”

“So, this is you reaching out because you feel guilty for your obvious projection and insulting me for something I have absolutely no control over?” Sterling said as she continued to swing back and forth.

“This is me saying I’ve been wrong about a lot of things and I’m sorry for those things and I hope that we can find a way to put it behind us because we don’t have a lot of time left.”

Sterling let herself slow and then jumped out of the swing at a safe height, running a few feet when she touched down. “You’re still not convincing me that you aren’t a pod person.”

April stood, dusted her butt off and caught up to where Sterling was walking at a leisurely pace. She sighed deeply. “My parents are getting divorced.”

Sterling stopped abruptly and whipped her head around to gauge the truth in the statement. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” April said, trying to sound indifferent. “It’s been a long time coming. And it really is a good thing for my mother. My father really did not learn his lesson with his incarceration unfortunately.”

“Did he beat up another prostitute?” Sterling asked in disbelief. 

“No,” April answered. “Well, not that I know of, I should say. He didn’t stop fucking every woman that would take him, though.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” April nodded. “So, there’s that.”

“Your dad’s a douche.”

“He is,” April agreed. “It took a while to see it. Then it took a longer while to accept that he’s manipulative and somewhat dangerous and possibly an unredeemable lying bastard.”

“Wow,” Sterling cringed. “Not sure what to say to that.”

“There’s nothing to say,” April shrugged. “But, I needed to say it out loud to someone. And you, as improbable as it sounds, you are my person, Sterling.”

Sterling took that information in stride. She understood because somewhere along the way, she had started to feel that way about April, too. They had shared something that it was impossible to come back from. It was like a secret that only the two of them could truly know. Whatever strung them together continued to be tied no matter how they both tried to sever it.

“We’ve wasted a lot of time being mad at each other,” Sterling said. “Or whatever it is that we are. I don’t even know anymore.”

“Hence the meeting at the park,” April said with a flourish. 

Sterling laughed. “Okay, okay, I get it now.”

“Finally.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your parents, really,” Sterling said, grazing April’s arm. “No matter the circumstance, that’s tough to deal with.”

“Like I said, it’s best for everyone,” April said. “We’ve not been on the best of terms.”

“He’s still your dad,” Sterling said. “And you have really great memories of him being a good father. Maybe it’s salvageable.”

“Maybe,” April whispered with hope.

“I mean, if  _ our _ relationship is salvageable,” Sterling took a stab at levity, “then anything is possible, right?”

“Not quite the same thing, but...okay,” April humored her. “You did ruin my Spirit Spot.”

“And you definitely attempted to out me a few days ago,” Sterling said. “You may have.”

“You banished me from our friend group.”

“I don’t remember that being as malicious as you do,” Sterling explained. “I’m sure I never meant it to be as permanent as it became.”

“You gave me to Jessica. There’s no other way to interpret it, Sterl,” April stated. “I remember that I just made it to Theodore Roosevelt and I’m almost certain that the whole event is what’s led me to a stark aversion to handlebar mustaches.”

“I can’t believe I would ever give you away, April,” Sterling said softly. “Even back then, I liked you so much. Blair just wanted the teams to be even and-”

“Blair!” April shouted. “That solves the mystery. Blair was behind it.”

Sterling grabbed her elbow and stopped her momentum. She waited until April had turned to look her in the eye. “I am sorry for that. I hate that it happened. I wish it hadn’t. I’ve thought about it so many times and I cannot understand how that became such a polarizing event for us. I wish I could change it, but I can’t. All I can do is make sure you know how sorry I am.”

April searched her eyes for a moment, looking for and finding sincerity. “Can we agree to leave it all in the past now? All of it.”

“Yes,” Sterling agreed. “It’s a new chapter in the story of us.”

“So, what about you?” April asked as they meandered along the skinny dirt trail that zigzagged the open lawn of the park. “Is everything okay with your parents?”

“Which parents?” Sterling asked, only half joking. “Ol’ Andy and Deb?”

“Yes, of course,” April said. “The Wesleys.”

“It’s fine,” Sterling replied. “It’s fine as long as we don’t say too much. Or, maybe it’s me that refuses to say too much.”

“Do they treat you differently now?”

“No, no, no,” Sterling was adamant. “I just _ feel  _ different. Like, everything I thought I was entitled to before, now, I feel like it’s not really meant to be mine. You know? It’s hard to explain. I thought I was a certain person, who had certain things and a very comfortable life because I had been blessed in these ways. But, I’m learning that it’s all happenstance and illusions and, well, for the lack of a better term, bullshit.”

“I understand what you mean,” April assured her. “That’s life-changing in so many ways, but I would suspect mostly just your emotional connection to these people who aren’t who you thought they were.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Sterling said. “I haven’t really been able to sit down with them and talk it through. I just can’t yet. I know the story has to be bad, though. And, I’m scared of what I’m going to find out when I do.”

“They love you,” April said. “And I don’t know the story either, but I’m sure they had good intentions.”

The trail had all but disappeared, but the two of them both recognized a rock path that led to a tiny creek that barely trickled through a swath of trees and wordlessly continued to follow it. Neither of them seemed to want to part from each other or the tenuous ceasefire they had unexpectedly stumbled upon. 

April held out her palm as she jumped down a small bank to get closer to the water. Sterling took her offered hand and was able to make the same move in a large step. She didn’t let go when they reached their destination. Mostly because she needed the support of the connection to admit out loud what she had been thinking for so long about her parents.

“I think they bought me,” Sterling said after a long pause in conversation. “I think they bought me like Daddy bought his prized boat a few years ago. And he shined up that boat and decked it out and my mom was so proud when they pulled that boat down to the lake and bragged about it to all their stupid friends. They did the same with me. They bought me, polished me up and paraded me around like a shiny toy.”

“That’s not true, Sterl,” April said with a profound sense of sadness. “You are not a boat.”

“I can’t help but think that.”

“You can’t control what you think,” April agreed. “But, you can talk to them. They’re probably just waiting for you to come to them and ask.”

Sterling held April’s hand tighter. “I heard you were going to Vanderbilt.”

“Quite the abrupt change in subject,” April pointed out while intertwining their fingers. “But, yes.”

“This isn’t therapy,” Sterling joked. “My parents usually would have to pay someone to hear how much I think their lying has screwed me up.”

“You can talk to me,” April reminded her. “I’ve told you that from the beginning.”

“You did,” Sterling remembered. “But then...”

“Yeah...” April shifted and seemed to study the twists of the creek. “I needed to get a little further away than UGA.”

“That’s fair,” Sterling said.

“I don’t think I can be who I need to be there.”

“Out?”

“Mainly,” April said. “And, for once, I wanted to do something unexpected.”

“Oh, I think you’ll surprise some people,” Sterling retorted while holding up their still tangled hands. “You were the one who founded the Straight-Straight alliance.”

“It’s defunct now!” 

Sterling shook her head and let her hand slip out of April’s grasp. “Can I ask you a question?”

April straightened, sensing it would be something difficult. “Okay.”

“How do you do something like that? Knowing you’re gay, understanding what that means in our community and our school, how do you know what that does to gay kids and still create a Straight-Straight alliance?”

“A very unhealthy amount of self-loathing, I guess,” April said without shying away. “When I realized what I am, I thought the only way I’d survive was to set myself as far away from ‘the gay’ as I could. It wasn’t until later that I realized all the ramifications of what I was doing to  _ other _ people as a result. At the time, I was just looking out for me. I needed a place to hide and created a space to do it.”

“You’re self-aware enough to know the difference, though.” Sterling stated. “Aren’t you?”

“I’m not sure I was until you, until us,” April admitted. “Because it was a strong  _ feeling _ , but it was always abstract and unattainable. I had thoughts about girls, but hadn’t done anything about it. So, technically, I was in the clear. I had my sights set on coming out down the road, into my twenties. I was going to establish myself and be independent. I was just going to do whatever I needed to do to get through high school...but you really messed that up for me.”

“Sorry, not sorry,” Sterling said.

“Me either,” April smiled. “Being with you made me realize that those feelings are completely impractical. You can’t always apply logic and sense to how you...love.”

“Yes!” Sterling emphatically agreed. “That’s exactly how I felt when I realized I liked you!”

“It made no sense?”

“Made no sense!” Sterling said. “But it didn’t change anything. I still liked you.”

“You didn’t really clarify the other day when I asked about your past tense usage of ‘liked’,” April remembered.

“I believe that was purposefully left vague.”

“So?”

“Are you asking if I still have the feels?” Sterling inquired. “Because you already know the answer to that, April.”

April held up her hands. “I promise you that I don’t.”

“I’m here,” Sterling said plainly. “I’m standing here with you after more than a year of complete silence just hoping for one more chance to kiss you.”

April grinned so wide you could see it from space. “You mean we could have been kissing this whole day?”

“April, we could have been kissing this whole year.”

What followed may well be the haziest half hour of Sterling’s life. It was a case study in the phenomenon of knowing each intense feeling, but having no idea how her body physically ended up in the back of her daddy’s truck. She knew that her cell phone rang just as she had popped the button on April’s jeans revealing purple and pink dotted cotton panties. She knew April’s flannel shirt had been tossed onto the dashboard between her Yogurtopia visor and a nearly empty box of her daddy’s shotgun shells. She knew one of her shoes was outside in the gravel makeshift lot of the park. In later retellings, April would admit to quoting her 40 year old second cousin, Billy, the marijuana connoisseur’s oft-used rally cry, “It’s on like Donkey Kong!” and then completely losing track of time and spatial awareness.

Every sense came back to Sterling at once as she desperately looked around to stop her cell from ringing.

"Where is it?” she asked, voice rough in her throat.

April, who was pressed against the bench seat with a seat belt buckle digging into her back, leaned up slowly. “Where is what?”

“My phone,” Sterling said, trying and failing to lift April’s ass up to look under it. “That’s Blair’s ringtone.”

“Um,” April looked around dumbly. “It’s close.”

Sterling continued to intermittently pat down her body as if maybe it appeared on her person as she swiveled wildly on her knees. “It’s like...right here...but not.”

“Under the seat?” April suggested.

Maybe, but Sterling would have to get out of this truck to find out and that was the last thing she thought she ever wanted to do.

As Sterling was weighing the pros and cons, April grabbed her coat which had been very neatly draped over the console in the front. “Oh,” she said as she heard the ringing louder. She found the ringing phone shoved into her inner pocket and pulled it out. “How?”

Sterling’s eyes widened and they both looked at the phone and at her jacket and back.

“How?” Sterling asked as she answered the phone. “Hey, Blair.”

She tried her damndest to listen to Blair, but ended up watching April as she buttoned her shirt. “Yeah,” she mindlessly said to her sister and then licked her lips at how deftly April’s fingers manipulated the fasteners. “Sure,” she dropped into the conversation as she actively rued the fact that April’s pineapple and watermelon fruit print bra was going back into hiding. “Uh huh,” she muttered as April tried to stand as much as humanly possible in the cramped space to button her jeans and began to tame her hair. 

“Yeah, I’ll be at dinner,” Sterling answered her sister after Blair raised her voice signalling it wasn’t the first time she’d asked. “Where am I now? Oh...”

April made a motion to indicate that she should not be mentioned.

“On my way,” Sterling said, cringing afterward. “Yeah, yeah. Be there in a few minutes.”

April held her palms up and mouthed, “Seriously?”

Sterling tapped the red button. “You were getting dressed.”

“Did you just want me to lie here in the public park half naked?” April questioned. “We could have been arrested.”

“We are not getting arrested,” Sterling said, but looked around just in case. She focused back on April. “So...what does this mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?” April asked her.

Sterling grinned and reached over to smooth some of April’s hair. “Can we keep meeting at the park until we figure it out?”


	8. august

April Stevens was hot.

Incredibly.

She was undeniably roasting in her blue oxford, orange Willingham sweater and blazer while sitting in front of the heater in Ellen’s classroom as she droned on and on and on about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. 

April was thankful for her Lord and Savior, but it was hot as hell in this room.

Especially when all she could think about was Sterling sitting just two feet to her left. And the waves of blonde that cascaded around her shoulders. The way Sterling’s top two buttons had been left unbuttoned and showed just a hint of skin. It was unfairly cruel since April had learned and became somewhat familiar with exactly what was under that shirt in the last few weeks.

Sterling seemed to have picked up on the intensity of April’s look and glanced over.

“What?” she mouthed.

“Nothing,” April whispered back.

Sterling automatically turned her attention back to Ellen, but let her hand inconspicuously slide down April’s skirt and lightly pinched at her bare knee under the table.

April nudged her hard with an elbow causing Sterling to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

Nope. Nothing was going on. Just excitement beyond anything she’d ever felt in her whole life. And trepidation like none other. Fear with a little bit of good ol’ Christian guilt. Mostly an eagerness of epic proportions. Other than that cavalcade of emotions, nada.

April again had quell the inclination to thank God for the tornado outbreak that had torn through southwest Georgia the preceding weekend. Good thing nobody was killed or she’d really have some soul-searching to do. The important thing was that the church had teamed up with their sister church from Alabama and decided to send disaster relief teams to help out the good folks down there. And, it just so happened that it was the Wesleys turn on the outreach rotation. 

With Anderson and Debbie out of town, Blair was sure to disappear to her secret college boyfriend’s place. That meant for Sterling and April, it was about to be a Good Friday.

April nudged her again just to make a connection. She felt that way sometimes lately. She had an overwhelming urge just to touch Sterling, make solid contact. It was baffling that it could calm her so easily, while also shooting a spark through every nerve ending in her body. That seemed to be the dichotomy of her physical relationship with Sterling. A soothing firestorm of WTF is happening.

Sterling didn’t react to the second nudge immediately. Instead, she pulled out her pen and scooted her notebook closer to April. She wrote in the margin:  _ Still on? _

April wrote back:  _ YES! _

To which Sterling replied with an intricate happy face that was revealed several minutes later with a little text bubble cloud that simply read: _ Cool _ .

Later that afternoon, April stood nervously at the Wesleys’ door and adjusted the overnight bag thrown over her shoulder. She had texted Sterling that she was there and had not yet received a response. She was tempted to ring the doorbell, but who knew which Wesley might get a phone notification and respond. That would be awkward and she was already feeling mighty awkward.

“Hey,” she heard from behind her and found Sterling and Chloe walking toward her.

“Hi,” she said in response. “Hey.”

Sterling pulled out her phone and waved it. “Sorry, I just saw your text. You’re early.”

“I am? I am,” she said in realization. “Traffic wasn’t too bad.”

“You live, maybe, six blocks away,” Sterling chuckled as she got nearer. She held onto Chloe’s leash with one hand, but pulled April closer with the other. “Hi,” she breathed as she kissed her solidly on the lips. “I’m glad you’re early. It’s fine.”

“I was just...not doing, like, anything else...tonight,” April stumbled out. “So...” she reached for Chloe’s head and patted her just to have  _ something _ to do. “Hey there.”

Sterling took it upon herself to lift April’s bag off her shoulder and switch to her own. “Let’s go in.”

April followed closely behind, checking out the house on the way. She had never been to the Wesleys’ new place. The girls lived in a different neighborhood back in the day.

“I got pizza from that place in Lindbergh that you like,” Sterling said as she unleashed Chloe. “Hope that’s okay.”

“Thank you.” April had mentioned that once on a phone call three weeks ago that had continued into the early morning hours in which she thought that Sterling may have fallen asleep. 

Apparently not. 

“Music?” Sterling asked her as she continued to move around the kitchen for various things. She handed her phone to April. “Pick whatever.”

April took the phone, tapping out the combination that she’d seen Sterling do a million times. She paused at the text conversation that appeared. It looked like their recent conversation but was under the heading: ❤August.

“Who is August?” she asked, holding up the phone. 

Sterling scrunched her nose in confusion. “Huh?”

“August?”

“Oh,” Sterling smiled. “You.”

“Why?”

“Because Blair is suspicious,” Sterling answered. “April, August. Seemed clever.”

“You still haven’t told her?”

Sterling stopped smiling. “No...”

“Oh.”

“Was I supposed to?” Sterling asked. “I thought you were against that?”

“I was,” April agreed. “But, I still thought you’d tell her anyway.”

Sterling sighed. “I wanted to, but I also want to be on the same page. And Blair...well...”

“The intense loathsome disposition thing?” April asked.

“I really shouldn’t have told you that,” Sterling grimaced. “That’s based on a lot of misinformation.”

“I’m not so sure it’s misinformation, Sterl,” April admitted. “I’ve been...rather difficult to get along with in the past.”

Sterling couldn’t help but agree, but walked over to where April was standing anyway. She gathered her from behind and squeezed, burying her nose in April’s neck. “If you’re okay with me telling Blair, then I will. If not, I won’t. Either way, you and Blair just need to spend some time together. I think you’ll find out that you have some things in common.”

“You,” April said. “You are what we have in common, Sterling.”

“Isn’t that enough?” 

April worked herself around until she could put her arms around Sterling’s waist. “Probably.”

“I’ll take it,” Sterling said, kissing her forehead. “Let’s eat.”

April ended up choosing to play some jazz that she was frankly pretty impressed Sterling had on her playlists.

“Bowser’s influence,” Sterling explained the unasked question as she plated their pizza. “I’ve gotten a lesson in every act from Charlie Parker to Run DMC courtesy of Bowser.”

They ate in mainly charged silence. It was dripping with anticipation if April was honest. And the anticipation just kept building despite a simple, uneventful evening at home. The two of them finished eating and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. They curled up on the couch and Netflix’d a movie they’d both wanted to see between sharing a few kisses. They held hands while walking Chloe around the block a couple of rounds, making it back just as the darkness had set in. It was extraordinarily ordinary to just  _ be _ with Sterling. By the time they had made it to Sterling’s room for bed, April was out of her mind.

She spent twenty minutes longer in the bathroom than she needed just because she was trying to breathe normally. Finally, she exited to a barely lit room. Sterling had one strand of muted rope lights strung above her headboard and she was already under the blankets. April wondered for a moment if she had read this entire evening completely incorrectly. 

“Everything okay?” Sterling asked.

“Y-yes,” April stuttered. “Um, you?”

Sterling sat up in bed. “I’m great. I was starting to wonder about you.”

“Me, great, too.”

“Okay.”

“I. Me,” April sighed. “Fine. I’m fine.” Sterling stared at her. Sterling kept staring hard enough that April was beginning to get annoyed. “What’s the deal?”

“Are those your grandfather's pajamas?” Sterling finally asked. “They look...comfy.”

April assessed her pj situation. So, maybe wearing her red buffalo plaid lightweight fleece pajamas wasn’t necessarily befitting the occasion. “I don't really have anything...sexy.”

“You’d be surprised how hard you are working that, actually,” Sterling said. “Come here.”

April did so and when she got close enough, she took Sterling’s hand and crawled slowly onto her bed. She inched her way up her legs until she was straddling the other girl and let herself be pulled in for a kiss. It wasn’t like the previous kisses that night. It wasn’t light and cute and anticipatory. This was a kiss that kicked off the event. This was the first licks of the guitar that signaled the headliner was about to come...on stage.

Every other time they had done this, there had been a place in which they both somehow knew where the line was drawn. There was no line tonight. There was no point in which April (or Sterling) would pull back and go home and take a cold shower and call to finish out the night in the relative safety of their own spaces. That knowledge caused April to falter just enough that Sterling immediately noticed.

“You alright?” Sterling asked unsteadily, her lips still close enough to graze April’s chin. 

“Yeah,” April answered with the same shaky breath. “It’s just that, I guess I’m-” 

“Nervous?”

“Yeah,” April shrugged, placing her hands on Sterling’s shoulders for some balance. “It’s my first time and-.”

“I know,” Sterling replied gently. She cradled April’s face in her hand, rubbing her thumb over her bottom lip. “I’m glad you told me, but I know. And that’s okay. We’ll do everything at whatever pace you want to go. Okay?”

“You obviously have some experience and I’m just-”

“Only really one kind of experience, though,” Sterling reassured her with a quiet surety. “This is new for me, too.”

“Do the nerves ever dissipate?” April asked, “Because I feel like I might hyperventilate.”

Sterling leaned back, giving her room. “Yeah, yeah. We don’t have to do an-”

“Oh, we’re going to,” April cut her off. “I want to. I’m just having some anxiety about...um, knowing  _ what _ to do.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Sterling said with confidence.

"I've watched plenty of videos," April said, trying to mirror that confidence. "And I subscribed to Showtime for six months before my parents realized it wasn't a 24 hour viewing of Jesus Christ Superstar."

"Cool," Sterling was impressed. "I've waded through all the informative email links that Blair has sent and bookmarked the ones that apply. We’ll do it ‘til we get it right."

April took that as a challenge and wiggled out of her buffalo plaids, leaving her in the thong she had bought on the same mall excursion that she’d purchased her new King James Version Large Print Bible on last week. Both of those purchases were specifically made  because she knew this was happening.

Blair’s informative links must have been really informative because Sterling wasted no time in jumping right into action. Her thongs had been removed and Sterling’s clothes had practically dissolved before she even realized it. There was a moment of fumbling while Sterling searched blindly for her clit. But, then...well, then she felt a shock to her system. She honestly did not know that her body could feel those things. Yeah, sure, she’d touched herself, but this was not that. It only took a couple of determined circles for every fucking thing in the world to click into one glorious, gold-studded, fairy dusted, cartwheelin’, magically gay place.

Every muscle in April’s body contracted and then a wave of pleasure floated over her. She gasped air back into her lungs and laid perfectly still, mind completely blank. It took a few moments for her breathing to even out and she slowly peeled her eyes open to find Sterling hovering about her with the biggest, cheesiest grin.

“Hi?” 

“Oh my God,” April blurted. “Wow.”

“Yeah?”

And then panic. April’s hands sprung to her face and she tried to roll over. 

“Hey, hey,” Sterling murmured. She dropped onto the bed, facing April and gently pulled down one hand that was covering April’s face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

April opened one eye to see her. “Not what you think.”

“Are you hurt?”

“No, no.”

“Did I do something?” Sterling asked, alarm creeping into her voice. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” April insisted. “I’m better than okay, I’m just...”

“What?” Sterling asked sincerely. She had leaned up on her arms and the action caused the sheet to fall revealing Sterling’s boobs.

April averted her eyes and blushed an even deeper red.

“A? What happened?”

“I fully intended for that to last longer is all.”

“Is that what’s wrong?” Sterling guided her face back so she could see her eyes. “April, why are you worried about that?”

“It’s just embarrassing-”

“No, no, no.” Sterling tapped her finger on April’s chin. “Safe zone! Nothing is embarrassing. Nothing is weird. Nothing is wrong.”

“Not wrong, just...slightly mortifying,” April blushed again. “That took twenty five seconds.”

“So what?”

April groaned. 

“April!”

“I know.”

“It’s fine.”

“I know.”

“I think it was longer than the first time I had sex,” Sterling offered. “So...”

“Oh, Sterl,” April shook her head. “Not the time to remind me of that.”

“I’m not comparing the two things-”

“Sterling!”

“I’m not!” Sterling tucked herself into April’s side with an arm across her abdomen. “Okay...do you want to hear a mortifyingly embarrassing story about me?”

April debated internally and decided it might make her feel better. “Yeah. Tell me.”

“So- okay, but you can’t laugh.”

“Can’t promise that.”

“Try.”

“Can’t promise that, either,” April said with a grin. “But I’ll be supportive.”

“It’s the least you could do.”

“The very least,” April teased while hugging Sterling closer. “Tell me already.”

“Okay, so, you, uh, are actually responsible for  _ my _ very  _ first _ orgasm.”

April thought that over for longer than a second. “Just now? Because, you were definitely having sex with Luke more than a year ago. So...”

“Not just now.”

April situated herself so she could actually look at Sterling in the eye. “Was it that night in your car?”

“Oh,” Sterling licked her lips. “Yeah, that night was good. Like, an awakening. But, no, we didn’t get quite that far.”

She had April’s full attention now. “How then?”

Sterling turned red just recalling the incident. “Remember, in the hallway, after the debate tournament?”

“Sterl,” April deflated. “I was such a bitch to you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sterling agreed. “You were totally being a bitch, but, also, it was kinda hot.”

“That was hot?” April was so confused. “You got turned on by that?”

“I rubbed one out in the janitor’s closet after that happened.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I did,” Sterling said. “To your face.”

April did laugh. She tried not to. She really did. But, she laughed. Hard. “That’s...wow.”

“My a-ha moment,” Sterling shared. “Was me in Janitor Windham’s broom room, hand in my pants, thinking of you screaming at me about how I screwed you over.”

“There’s got to be some kind of psychosis involved in that scenario.”

“I’m sure,” Sterling laughed, too. After a few minutes, they both settled back onto Sterling’s bed. “I didn’t mean to bring up anything earlier that would make you uncomfortable.”

April rolled to face Sterling. “I would have liked to have been first. I wasn’t for you. That’s my own thing to deal with.”

“Doesn’t mean it means any less,” Sterling assured her.

“In eighth grade, he wrote his name on your wrist in black marker,” April said as she absentmindedly drew her own name in that space on Sterling's arm. “Do you remember that?”

“Took me three days to get it off,” Sterling said. “Of course, I do. My mom squirted a whole tube of minty Crest on my arm and scrubbed it with a toothbrush.”

“Every time I saw you during that three days, I got more and more annoyed,” April recollected. “I told myself it was because God says you should make no marks upon your body. I always had a weaponized verse I could use against people then.”

“I vaguely recall those days.”

“I was annoyed because he got to write his name on you,” April confessed. “Both figuratively and literally, he could just write his name on you. He could claim you as his own without a second thought. It’s that easy for him. And I was so irritated. Because, I could never do that. No matter what, it’ll never just be easy for us.”

“One day it will be,” Sterling promised in the darkness of her room. “And it’ll be your name.”

The next morning came too fast. They had been up too late. April was too foggy to even fully comprehend where she was when she rolled out of bed and stumbled toward the bathroom. She silently cursed for forgetting to pack her glasses as she tried to feel her way toward the toilet. That’s when she heard the shriek to end all shrieks. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

It was Blair and it was loud. Too loud.

So loud that April just clamped her hands over her ears. “Stop screaming,” she muttered. “There’s no reason to scream.”

“You’re in my bathroom looking like a plaid covered zombie,” Blair snapped. “And I’m trying to pee. So, yeah, reason to scream.”

“Okay, fine,” April took a few steps back. “Pee.”

“Not with you watching, perve.”

“I can’t even see you, Blair,” April said.

“Where is Sterl? Have you murdered her and tried to take over her life?” Blair asked obnoxiously. “That’s just like you.”

“She’s asleep. Or she was before you started freaking out.”

“She’s asleep?” Blair was so confused. “Then what-”

April couldn’t see the moment she realized what was going on. But, she definitely heard Blair’s nonsense realization.

“Sterl! Are you fucking serious?” she asked. “There’s no fucking way. No. Sterling! What the hell is happening? Are you for real? In my own home with this shit? I live here!”

April was sure all those questions were hypothetical.

“You and my sister?”

Still, probably didn’t warrant an answer.

“Again? You and Sterling...again?” Blair stomped past her and into what she assumed was the closet and rifled past towels until she found a box that pulled out. She yanked out something, waved it around and then chucked it right at April’s head before stomping back past her and slamming her own bedroom door.

April picked it up, walked back to Sterling’s room and sat down on the bed.

“Blair knows, huh?” Sterling asked with her eyes still shut and not having so much as moved a muscle.

“She knows,” April confirmed and placed the projectile on Sterling’s pillow. “She knows and she threw a tampon at me.”


	9. this is me trying

Blair Wesley was secretly texting and minding her own Christian business in Christian Business Ethics: Money, Morality and Megachurches when April unceremoniously plopped down beside her and held her closed hand out like she was trying to peddle drugs at a highfalutin toy store. “Hey, I’m going to need you to give this back to Sterl for me, please.”

“Nuh uh,” she said and actually scooted herself further away. “Nope. No.”

“C’mon, Blair,” April said as she turned her hand over revealing a diamond stud. “It’s just an earring. Hers, found in my sock. I’m not sure how we keep doing that.”

Blair couldn’t have wiped the disgust off her face. “I’m not sure how you keep doing it either, but I really, really would like to stop  _ hearing _ it.”

April smirked, “I’m sorry about that.”

“It sounded like that time you pretended to speak in tongues at church.”

“Your sister is really good at that,” April cleared her throat dramatically. “The tongue part.”

Blair shot her a warning glare. “Not cool.”

“Just take it!” April held out her hand again.

“You playing hopscotch with my sister's vagina does not make us friends,” Blair stated. “Give it to her yourself.”

“I would, but I’m leaving for Nashville this evening and every time I see her, she has this really sad look on her face and it must be triggering my allergic rhinitis because my eyes keep getting...wet.”

“Oh my God,” Blair groaned. “You two are the fucking worst.”

April gently set the jewelry down on Blair’s workstation desk. “Thanks,” she said before moving across the room.

Blair seethed. It was bad enough that Sterling and April had reignited their disastrous and surely doomed relationship, but now she had to routinely see her. April was in her house. April was in her car. April was in her sister and that was goddamn revolting. She pocketed the earring, but stomped her foot while doing it.

“Lucifer has taken human form and started leaving me gems to be distributed amongst her favorite fuck buddies,” Blair told Sterling as they caught up with each other in the main hallway of Willingham after class. Blair twisted the earring between her fingers before handing it off. “By the way, gross. How do you get an earring in her sock, Sterl?”

“Oh, uh...well...”

“Fuuuck me, why did I ask?” Blair said when she realized how that would have happened. “I’m going to have to disinfect my brain! Tell her to take off her socks for that, by the way. That’s even more disturbing.”

Sterling took the earring. “Despite the commentary, I do thank you.”

“It’s not like she couldn’t do it herself,” Blair pointed out. “I’d rather not be involved in this.”

“It’s a stretch to say that you’re involved,” Sterling argued. 

“That probably made me an accomplice after the fact,” Blair said. “I’ve learned a lot of legal terms during the course of my career.”

Sterling rolled her eyes. “I’ll testify on your behalf. I’m sure you’ll get off.”

“Thanks,” Blair accepted.

“Not as much as I’ve been getting off, but...”

“Who are you?” Blair practically screeched, but continued to follow her sister out out the front entrance and to the parking lot. She couldn’t help but be relieved that there would be no April sightings in or around the house at least for the next couple of days. Being the only other person who knew about them made her their appointed “lookout.” And she wasn’t exactly reveling in the new role. It made her nauseous just thinking about it.

“Hey!” she heard Sterling say and was just about to respond when she realized that Sterling wasn’t speaking to her. April was leaning against the back bumper of the Volt, obviously waiting for her. 

“Ugh,” she complained, although she was the only one to hear it.

“I was just wondering if you’d be able to collect my notes since I’ll be missing a day of school tomorrow,” April asked absurdly loudly for the passersby. She handed Sterling a folder and made a gesture for her to open it.

The brightness of Sterling’s smile when she did represented two very conflicting, but equal emotions. Her sister was happy and she couldn’t help but be grateful. But, the person who made her sister happy was April. And really, she just wanted to punch the smiles off both their faces for that.

Blair stopped to read over her shoulder for a millisecond before Sterling snapped it shut. 

“I’d be happy to gather your notes,” Sterling told April. “It’s the decent thing to do for a Fellowship co-leader.”

“I thought your eyes were too wet to talk to her,” Blair said to April, gesturing to Sterling. “Isn’t that why  _ I _ had to talk to you earlier?”

“I got some Visine from the nurse’s office, Blair,” April said. “Thanks so much for being so concerned about my well-being.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Blair contested. “What the-”

“Will you call while you’re gone?” Sterling said in hushed tones. “I know you'll probably be busy.”

“I have already scheduled time for us to interact,” April replied, just as muted. “And I’ll be back on Saturday night.”

“Not long enough,” Blair said, which earned looks from both of them. “I’ll just wait in the car.”

When she settled in the passenger seat, she arranged herself to see them in the mirror. If she was honest and it wasn’t sure to end in an absolute shitshow, they’d be really cute together. There was an obvious affection between them. Anybody with eyes could see that. If they really wanted to hide it, they should stop being in the same room...or parking lot...or universe together. That was a hell of an idea.

Sterling laughed at something. Why? Blair didn’t know. April had never been funny a day in her life. Maybe she was laughing at April’s lack of personality. Blair hoped it was at her and not with her. Apparently not, because April tapped her on the elbow and batted her eyelashes a few times. 

She’d seen enough, so she reached over and laid on the horn. The noise shocked them both out of whatever stupor they’d been in and soon enough, Sterling was sliding into the drivers’ seat. “Thanks for that.”

“You weren’t signalling me to get you out of it?” Blair asked innocently. “I could have sworn you were. Sorry ‘bout it.”

“Thanks for letting me borrow this,” Blair said as she walked into Sterling’s room a few hours later with a shirt that she’d probably had in a drawer since they were 14. Yeah, so it was an excuse to open up communication. She knew she pissed Sterling off earlier. She was big enough to make up a BS reason to show up and initiate a convo about it.

Sterling giggled. “Yeah. I liked that, too...It was cute, though...You were cute...More than cute, yes....When you get back, I would love to try it again.”

Finally, Blair turned around to see what the hell she was talking about and found Sterling curled up with a pillow, phone sitting on her ear.

“I miss you, too...You more...You more!...Really? Send me a picture.”

“Who are you talking to?” Blair asked, already knowing the answer. “Isn’t she in Nashville doing God’s work?”

Sterling looked up at Blair. “It’s a college trip,” she said. “She had some admissions stuff to finish up and she’s meeting with her roommate.”

“I feel sorry for that poor soul,” Blair said loud enough for April to undoubtedly hear. “Send all my condolences.”

Sterling shot her all the daggers. “Hey, can I call you back?...Give me an hour or so...Yeah, that’s fine, just text me...Me, too...Smooch, smooch...Don’t forget the picture...That picture, too, sure-”

“Holy shit,” Blair mimicked puking. “Just hang up!”

“Dude, what’s your problem?”

“She’s gone, Sterl,” Blair hooked her thumb over her shoulder. “Get a life.”

“Why are you mad?”

“Why am I mad?” Blair voiced nearly squeaked with anger. “We’ve got weeks left together, Sterl.  _ Weeks _ . And you’ve spend the last couple of them with  _ her _ . She’s not even here.”

“That’s such hypocritical bullcrap, Blair,” Sterling scoffed. “You’ve been with your super secret boyfriend that you don’t want Mom and Dad to know about as much as I’ve been with April.”

“But, it’s  _ April! _ ”

“What’s your point?” Sterling asked.

“Sterl, she’s the villain!”

Sterling laughed at her ridiculousness. “Blair.”

“She is,” Blair continued. “She’s the villain. She’s the one that started all of this.”

“Started what?”

“The deconstruction of our family, Sterling!” Blair was still rolling. “This all started with her bullshit.”

Sterling sat up fully, astounded by what she was hearing. “Are you even serious right now?”

“You have a better explanation?”

“Yes, several,” Sterling said. “April had nothing to do with Dana Culpepper. April had nothing to do with our parents making unilateral life-altering decisions about our identity. April had nothing to do with anything that’s happened since we found out, either.”

“If you were where you were supposed to be that night, none of it would have happened at all,” Blair argued. “And that’s on April.”

“It was going to happen anyway, Blair,” Sterling countered. 

“We don’t know that.”

“Yes, we do,” Sterling said softly. “Eventually.”

The truth of the statement took some of the steam out of Blair’s steamrolling locomotive. She dropped to the bed, wiping a tear out of her eye. “You’re leaving in three months.”

“I’ll be an hour and a half away,” Sterling replied. “I’ll be home all the time. And you will be living your own life. Busy with lacrosse and new friends and experiences and-”

“It’s not the same,” Blair said. “If we didn’t know the truth, maybe. But, you’re leaving. You’re leaving and you’re never really coming back here. I know it. You know it.”

“This is my home, those are my parents, and you are my sister,” Sterling reminded her as much as herself.

Blair nodded. It was good to hear from it from Sterling. She needed to hear it from Sterling. But, even if she felt all the security in the world about her family and each of their places in it, she’d still have serious reservations about her sister’s relationship with April Stevens.

“She is going to hurt you,” Blair mumbled. 

“She might,” Sterling acknowledged.

“She will,” Blair responded. “She’s a coward and having a year to think about it hasn’t helped, Sterl. She’s still a coward.”

“That’s not for you to say.”

“But you don’t get a say, either?”

“I tried that last time,” Sterling shrugged. “It was the wrong thing to do.”

“All of it is the wrong thing to do,” Blair suggested as she stood up to leave. “Be careful.”

“Blair, maybe she’s the villain in your story,” Sterling said to her retreating sister. “But, she’s not in mine.”

Blair stopped short. “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“Try to be happy for me instead.”

It was the next Monday before any mention of April Stevens was made between Sterling and Blair. And it wasn’t so much a mention as it was that Blair arrived at the car that afternoon and April was already occupying her seat. She knocked on the window, throwing her hands up in question. 

“Are you lost?”

Sterling rolled down the window and ducked down from her position behind the steering wheel. “We were just talking, sorry.”

Blair opened the back door and scooted into the middle of the backseat. “What are we discussing?”

Both girls looked back at her without saying anything.

“Not going to share?” Blair asked them. “That’s just rude.”

“Well...” April glanced around their immediate surroundings before leaning over and placing a kiss on Sterling’s cheek. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Nah, c’mon,” Blair said. “You should hang out with us today.”

Sterling was surprised at the invitation. “What?”

“April,” Blair addressed her. “Why don’t you come over? Maybe we can get to know each other better.”

April looked at Sterling. “What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure,” Sterling answered. She asked Blair, “What’s going on, Blair?”

“You asked me to try.”

Sterling smiled, “Thank you.” She asked April, “What do you think? Want to spend time getting to know the Wesleys?”

April was suspect, but agreed.

About halfway to the Wesley residence, Sterling pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store. “Mom asked that I pick up a few things,” Sterling said nervously as she looked between them. “Would you rather?” she asked Blair, giving her the option of skipping alone time with April.

“Go,” Blair encouraged. “It’s fine.”

“I can go with you,” April made a move to unbuckle her seat belt.

“Are you scared?” Blair teased. “It’ll only take her a second, right Sterl?”

Sterling regarded April. “Ten minutes, tops.”

After Sterling got out of the car, April spoke first, “Go ahead and hurl all the insults you can. You’ve only got ten minutes.”

“I’d need more time.”

April snickered. “Whatever, Blair. What are you up to?”

“Actually, I’m  _ trying _ to say I’m sorry about most of the insults I’ve hurled at you recently,” Blair said evenly. “Not all, but most.”

“Save it, Blair.”

“Take it or leave it,” Blair said. “It’s an apology.”

April turned around to see and judge her genuineness. “Thank you. I do appreciate you  _ trying _ to make progress in our acquaintanceship.”

“Just do me a favor, will you? When you inevitably do whatever impossibly dumb thing you’re going to do to ruin your relationship with her, don’t crush her beyond recognition, okay? It was hard to watch last time. And now, you’ve infected even more of her life, so I can’t imagine how devastated she’ll be when you  _ April _ it all up.”

April just kept looking at her. Whether she was too stunned to say anything back or that she recognized that it was a definite possibility of what was to come, Blair didn’t know. She just stared vacantly.

Blair stared back. “This is me trying.”


	10. illicit affairs

Having sex regularly changes a person. 

April had very clear, organized goals. She had lists with checkmarks and plans with subsets of targets. She was on a path. A narrow, well-defined path. Correction: she had been on a path. She had been on said path until she had sex with Sterling Wesley. Now, her goals were different. For example, her goal today was to get Sterling into Ellen’s office and get her skirt around her ankles.

That was it. Everything at the forefront of her mind was centered on that goal. 

And she had achieved that goal. She’d achieved the goal a couple of times, actually.

In fact, she had two delicious handfuls of Sterling’s ass while Sterling sucked unrelentingly on the base of her neck.

“Sterl, you’re going to give me a hickey,” April said, without much conviction in her voice to stop it.

Sterling pulled back with loud pop. “It’ll be hidden.”

“You’ve said that before and I had to get my 13 year old makeup youtuber cousin to come over and cover it up,” April told her. “She thinks your name is Sven Walstrom and it was our last hurrah before you had to go back to Sweden from your student exchange program. I shelled out fifty bucks so she wouldn’t tell my grandmother.”

Sterling raised an eyebrow.

“Your lips left a path of destruction well into the mid-throat area.”

“I’m sorry,” Sterling said. “I’ll stop.”

April grabbed her polo and pulled her closer. “I didn’t mean for you to stop, just be careful.”

“Soooo,” Sterling brushed her lips just under her ear, sucking ever so slightly. “Carefully give you a hickey?”

“Give me a hickey that isn’t going cost me another fifty dollars.”

The rattling of the door knob made them both freeze and look at each other wide eyed. 

“Is the door locked?” Sterling asked, panicked.

“Yes,” April answered, still squeezing her ass.

There was a knock. “Miss Johnson?” someone asked. 

April abruptly let go and started to button her shirt while Sterling continued to stay gripped in fear.

“What do I do?” Sterling finally asked as quietly as she could, but still with a squeak.

“Pull up your skirt!”

“What?”

April finally just dropped and pulled it up herself, grabbing her face and landing a kiss before arranging her in a corner that would be hidden by the door. “I’ll talk to you later. Wait five minutes before you leave.”

“Five minutes?”

“Count to 1000, Sterl!” she hissed.

She made a point of shutting the door with extra oomph and announced very loudly that Miss Johnson was out and led some pimply faced freshman out of the area to ensure a safe escape for Sterling. She did some subtle checking of her hair in a nearby bank of windows

She was self-congratulating for both achieving her goal at maximum satisfaction and for her carefully crafted exit when Ezequiel quietly strode up and whispered. “Hello, April.”

“Sweet lord!” April said with a fright. She spun around and gave him a slight shove. “Are you wearing Jesus’ sandals?”

“No ma’am,” Ezequiel popped a pose, showing off his feet. “I’m wearing Ferragamo loafers!”

“Put a bell on ‘em,” April complained. “My heart may never return to its normal rhythm.”

“Oh, girl,” Ezequiel gave her a knowing look. “That ain’t my fault.”

That caused April’s heart to beat even more out of rhythm. “What?”

“Wha-at?” Ezequiel repeated. “You know.”

“No, I don’t.”

“She knows what?” Hannah B asked as she came upon the conversation. “Is it about me? Do I know?”

“No,” Ezequiel assured her. “You don’t know a thing.”

“Oh, good,” Hannah B said in relief.

“You,” he turned on April.

“What about me?” April crossed her arms over her chest in defense. “Nothing is going on.”

“Lyin’ won’t get you into heaven.”

“Neither will baseless accusations,” April shot back.

“What’s with you recently?” Ezequiel asked, judgement coloring his features. “You are practically glowing.”

“I’m not.”

“You are,” Hannah B agreed. “I thought it was because they finally changed the bulbs in Study Hall, but you’re sparkly here, too.”

April coiled tighter and repeated, “Nothing is going on, guys.”

“Which means something is definitely going on!” Ezequiel said with a squeal. “Who is it?”

“Nobody.”

“Is it Landon Lofton?” Hannah B inquired innocently. “He asked me if I had manually removed the stick from your ass yesterday because you weren’t being such an evil bitch lately.”

“Exactly!” Ezequiel pointed out. “Same.”

“I think that’s a bit harsh,” April said. 

“You’re unusually and, maybe disturbingly, happy,” Ezequiel doubled down. “So either God appeared to you and you’re doing a Mary redux or it isn’t really a  _ miraculous _ conception.”

“I am not that happy,” April argued. “Take it back.”

“Won’t,” he said.

“I have to go,” Hannah B interrupted. “If I see Landon, I’ll tell him you removed the stick yourself.”

“Don’t do that,” April called, but little good it did. They both watched as Hannah B scooted down the hallway.

“Are you sleeping with Sterling?” Ezequiel asked.

“What?” April squeaked, shoving him again. This time harder and into an empty classroom. “You can’t just ask that?” she said through clenched teeth.

“That’s the only thing that could possibly make you this agreeable.”

“I’m anything but agreeable,” she stated. “I’m the most disagreeable person I know.”

“Three days ago you let me give the bulk of our speech in our Communications: Sermons and Soliloquies class,” Ezequiel said, wagging his finger. “Last, Tuesday, you did not correct Hannah B when she insisted that Reuben was the son of Jacob and creator of a holy sandwich.”

“She got half the point,” April countered. “It was better than I expected, actually.”

“And earlier, oh my, April Stevens,” Ezequiel set the stage, “just today, you preemptively let  _ Blair _ Wesley borrow a pen without reminding her that sloth is a deadly sin, which means you had to make friends with the sister.”

“It is Help a Struggling Christian in Need Day and you know that!”

“You are sleeping with Ster-” Ezequiel redirected the statement when the subject randomly entered the room. “Well, speak of the devil!”

Sterling, obviously surprised by his presence, jumped at the exclamation. “Oh, hey, Ezequiel, I was passing by. Didn’t see you there.”

“You didn’t?” he asked before looking at April. “She didn’t see me here.”

“How’s it going?” Sterling asked both of them, but focused on April. She reserved the gorgeous grin exclusively for her. “Having a good day?”

“Not as good as some,” Ezequiel quipped. “You?”

Sterling smiled a full blown, toothy smile. “It’s been a great day!”

“Oh, I bet it has,” he said while strutting away. “Stay safe, girls.”

“That’s a problem,” April seethed. “A big, gossipy problem.”

If Sterling was concerned, she certainly did not let on. She attended the Wednesday night church service with April that week and assisted with folding church bulletins as April earned her volunteer hours.

As soon as Sterling dropped the last bulletin in the box, April asked, “Are you doing anything else tonight?”

Sterling giggled. “What do you mean?” she asked as coyly as possible.

“Are you doing anything else?” April asked again. “Do you have to get home early or...?”

“Or?”   
“Can you stay?”

“Here?” Sterling asked, looking around. They’d been left alone an hour ago. There was some kind of service going on in the sanctuary, but that was across the building.

“Yeah,” April nodded. “I know places.”

Sterling gestured toward the corner of the room. “I happen to know this place is under surveillance.”

“And I happen to know where it isn’t.”

“Where?” Sterling asked, believing that April was bluffing.

“Associate Pastor Clayton’s office,” April said. “He disconnected the cameras so they wouldn’t catch him downing the bourbon he keeps in his drawer. The guy can’t summon the choir without help from Evan Williams.”

Sterling stopped and stared hard at April. “Do you have dirt on every single person you know?”

“Dirt sounds...dirty,” April said. “I prefer collateral.”

“You need collateral for the associate pastor?”

“How will I know unless I have it?”

Sterling hesitated, but then got up and headed toward the administrative offices. She paused, turned and held her hands up. “Are you coming?”

April jumped up and walked past. “That depends on you.”

So, yes. There’s maybe some moral ambiguity involved in participating in a makeout session with a pseudo-girlfriend on the church premises in what should have been a locked and off-limits office. There’s also a carnal need to explore and experiment when one comes into their own regarding sexuality. April was toeing a very thin line on what was permissible and what definitely was not. That line was getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Sterling’s very obviously damp panties rubbing against her thigh as they kissed on Associate Pastor Clayton’s futon was blurring that line to erasure.

“You can take those off,” April whispered into Sterling’s ear.

April was quickly gaining enough experience in this situation to know when Sterling was beyond responding in actual words and not velociraptor screeches, so she was surprised when the reply came. “I’m so not taking my underwear off in here.”

April’s hands stopped moving. “Is something wrong?”

Sterling pushed up from her position on top of April. “Look around.”

“What?”

“We’re about to have sex in the  _ church _ .” She whispered that last word figuring that God had amplifiers hooked up for this kind of thing.

The words shocked April’s system or something because she immediately started to extract herself from under Sterling, nearly pushing her completely off into the floor.

“Hey, hey,” Sterling tried to settle her. “I was just pointing out that, I don’t know, maybe we should pick another spot.”

April was busy straightening her clothes and smoothed down her shirt three times before saying, “Where, Sterl? You want to just waltz into one of our homes and tell our parents we’ll be down in an hour. Don’t mind all the panting and screaming.”

“I can’t help it!” Sterling said quickly, already having been shushed by April more than once. “I’m a vocal lover.”

April smiled and held out her hand, waiting only a moment for Sterling to grab it. “I like it.”

“I know you do,” Sterling responded. “And no, I know we can’t...I just...wish we could.”

“Me, too,” April said, swinging their hands. “I wish it was easier.”

And that was April’s wish. That it could be easier. That it would be easier someday. That day was not today, though. That day would not be next week, next month. The year was looking pretty bleak, too. Was it cowardice? Probably. But, April still could not find the intrepidity to come out. She knew the rumors were swirling. They had been for months. She knew some people knew some things. It was unavoidable at this point. But, to stand in judgement from her peers, her teachers, her parents? Nope, that was not going to happen any time soon. 

She just had to keep Sterling on board. They’d been over it. They talked it to death. Sterling had been okay with seeing where it went in the beginning. She’d been okay with taking it slow and keeping it to themselves. April could tell that Sterling was starting to grow just slightly impatient with the unmoved needle, though.

It wasn’t until the next Sunday afternoon after church that Sterling mentioned anything of the sort. They were stretched out in the back of April’s SUV, having just messed around. April was checking her phone when she noticed Sterling thoughtfully biting her lower lip.

April was able to crane her neck just enough to kiss it. She squeezed Sterling’s chin between her thumb and forefinger affectionately. “Hey, what are you thinking about?” she asked.

“Is sneaking around not affecting you at all?” Sterling asked quietly as she curled a stand of April’s hair around her finger. “Because I think I’m developing a complex.”

“No,” came April’s sharp answer. “We’re not sneaking around.”

“We just drove all the way past Greenbriar so I could finger you in a Chick-Fil-A parking lot April,” Sterling said. “I think this qualifies.”

“Only because Five Guys was too busy,” April said in response.

“A!”

“Valuing privacy is not the same as sneaking around,” April said.

“Valuing privacy is also not the same as not being able to be seen together outside of school hours,” Sterling argued.

“Too many people know already,” April countered. “Sterl, it’s for the best if we just lay low. We graduate in two months.”

“I’m well aware,” Sterling said. “All the more reason to not care anymore.”

“I still have to care,” April replied. “My parents are not joining PFLAG. My dad’s legal troubles have nearly eaten up my college savings. I’m relying on my Valedictorian scholarship to pay for a bulk of tuition.”

“They cannot revoke your scholarship for being gay.”

“It’s Willingham, Sterling,” April said. “I’m pretty sure they revoked Joel O’Houlihan’s scholarship because he registered as an Independent.”

“No one was ever able to confirm or deny that.”

“Sterl,” April said as she tilted her head to one side signalling Sterling’s naivete. “I have to be careful.”

“I’m not asking you to come out,” Sterling said. “I’m just asking that this is not the sum of our relationship.”

“This?” April asked, confused.

“We have sex in cramped places every few days and then ignore each other for next two,” Sterling complained. “I get it. You’re maintaining your distance at school. But...we can’t have a meal together?”

“Of course, we can,” April replied. “I brought snacks. They’re up front.”

“You know what I mean,” Sterling said, annoyance dripping in her tone. “I would like to date you!”-

April sighed. Why is it that news that should be celebrated brought her this much anxiety? She, too, wanted to date Sterling. She was so proud of having  Sterling in her life, metaphorically on her arm. She wanted everyone to know, but  _ nobody _ could know. She looked into those blues and couldn’t deny her, though.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Sterling lifted her brow. “Elucidate.”

“You want to have a meal,” April offered. “Let’s go out.”

“You mean a date?” Sterling asked, so much hope evident in her voice that it almost made April feel worse. “Like, you want to eat in a restaurant? With me?”

“Yes,” April said. “You and I are going to a restaurant. And a movie. And we’re sharing a tub of popcorn-”

“I like a lot of butter! Like tons!”

“-and we’re getting two separate tubs of popcorn, but still, it’s going to be a date.”

Sterling twisted her arms and legs around April’s body and squeezed. “I am so excited!”

“It feels like it,” April gruffed out. “You’re going to kill me before we’re able to go.”

Sterling kissed all over her face until finally settling on her lips and lingering there. “You just made me very happy, April Stevens.”

“Can I make you happier?” April asked, kissing down Sterling’s chin and neck.

“Uh huh,” Sterling responded, already widening her legs in anticipation. April had inadvertently learned that she was leagues above Luke in one particular activity, so she made it her mission to go down on Sterling at every opportunity. She bathed in that secret victory often.

“I’ll make you ecstatic,” April promised.


	11. invisible string

Sterling flung the shower curtain back and was immediately confronted by Blair, who was perched on their shared bathroom vanity. “Where are you going?” she asked, legs kicking against the cabinet. “You smell too good to be staying home.”

Sterling reached out to grab her towel and wrapped it around her. “Are you saying I usually don’t smell good?”

“You’re taking my comment out of context,” Blair said. “I’m curious about your use of body wash.”

Sterling tucked her towel to keep it in place and flicked the shower curtain back into place. “Why do you continue to harass me?”

“Why do you continue to avoid my questions?” Blair asked. “I’m not the one with something to hide.”

“You have plenty to hide,” Sterling said with an eye roll. “I’m just less interested.”

“Which is crazy because I’m way more interesting than you,” Blair responded. “Why aren’t you hounding me?”

Sterling stepped out of the shower and walked away from Blair into her own bedroom, blatantly ignoring her sister.

Blair was not having it and followed closely on her heels. “Can I go?”

“Go where?” Sterling asked, annoyance creeping into her voice.

“Wherever you’re off to this lovely Saturday night,” Blair said as took a lap around the room, purposely moving and adjusting things just because she knew it would drive Sterling nuts. She pointed her north facing compass south and mentally congratulated herself. “Axe throwing? I hear that’s all the rage.”

“Don’t you have plans of your own?” Sterling asked.

“Nope, not a one,” Blair reported as she posed Sterling’s Felicity American girl doll in a lewd position. “Just hanging out at home. I thought you’d be around, too. You usually are if you’re not at the yogurt shop. Or...unless April  _ randomly _ happens by and you  _ awkwardly _ do homework that I’m pretty sure both of you already have done just so you can...what? Pretend not to look at each other?”

“No.”

Blair moved one of Sterling’s books out of her ‘read’ stack to her ‘to be read’ stack. “No, you won’t be around. No, you don’t do that or, no, I can’t go?”

“All of them,” Sterling said as she stared into her closet, obviously distracted. 

“C’mon, Sterl, I’m going to be bored as hell w-...” Blair’s sentence trailed off interest was piqued by a sparkly flash on Sterling’s board. She wondered over, studying the Google Maps printout that Sterling had tacked up. It was a route from Athens to Nashville and highlighted it with a metallic gold sparkle Sharpie and pinned it to her bulletin board. Blair tapped her forefinger to the paper. “Follow the yellow brick road to pussy?”

“Blair,” Sterling scoffed while rifling through her clothes. “Can you not?”

“So, is this a real thing now?” Blair asked. “Like, I know you’re sleeping together. I know you’re talking and hanging out in secret. But, Sterl? Is this supposed to continue after you leave for school? Please tell me you’re not going to let her continue to string you along.”

Sterling calmly chose a deep purple top and eyed it for a few seconds before turning to Blair. “We’re being discreet because she’s not ready to come out, Blair. That’s hardly stringing me along.”

“Sterl.”

“Blair.”

“Sterling.”

“Blairling,” Sterling looked at her sternly. “Yes, it’s a real thing now. We’re going on a date. Tonight. So, no, you can’t go.” She held the shirt up to her torso, “Also, what do you think?”

“I think the shirt is fine, the girlfriend could use some work,” Blair answered. 

“Not my girlfriend,” Sterling corrected, then added. “Yet.”

“Doesn’t a date involve being seen together in public?” Blair asked. “What the hell will the masses think?”

“I know you think you’re funny-”

“I know I am-”

“-but you’re really just incredibly annoying,” Sterling finished.

“You wound me!”

“I’m going to actually wound you if you don’t shut up soon,” Sterling said. “Let it go, Blair.”

A knock on the door interrupted anything forthcoming. “Who could that be?” Blair asked loudly and skipped out of the room. “No worries, I’ll get it!”

“Don’t be a jerk!” Sterling called to a retreating Blair. “Blair! Don’t be a douchebag!”

“Ahh, it’s you,” Blair greeted April after opening the door about two inches and eyeing her up and down.

“I believe she asked you not to be a douchebag,” April said.

“Fine,” Blair huffed. “Come in if you must.”

April passed the threshold and shut the door and sarcastically spit, “You’re always so welcoming. How could I refuse that offer?”

“What would you like me to say?” Blair asked. She put on a really atrocious British accent, “Salutations, Young Miss Stevens. Would you like me to take yo-ur broom? Can I offer you a nice spot of tea?”

“Okay, Blair,” April said as she continued toward the steps that led to Sterling’s room.

“That’s a wonderful jump-ah,” Blair continued in her accent. “The teal really brings out your complete and total lack of anything that resembles a sense of hum-ahr.”

April looked down at her plaid button-down and back at Blair. “I’m not sure you know what a jumper is.”

“Does it matter?” Blair asked, genuinely perplexed for a second. She regrouped quickly and said, “You look like a lesbian in that shirt.”

“Blair!” Sterling’s voice boomed down the stairwell. “Stop it!”

“Weak!” April commented as she hurried up the steps. “I was expecting more from you.”

Sterling was nearly dressed when April entered. She was struggling to slip on her shoes, trying to balance on one foot. “Hi. Sorry about Blair.”

April steadied her by holding on to her hips from the back. “Don’t apologize for her. Although, it feels like she’s off her game a bit.”

“You think?” Sterling asked as she dropped to one knee to continue tying her shoe. “She’s been awfully pushy this evening.”

“When is she not?” April mumbled.

“Ha,” Sterling said as stood back up and draped her arms over April’s shoulders. “Hey.”

“Hi, you look very pretty,” April greeted her with a quick kiss to her lips. “Couldn’t help but notice I didn’t see any parents?”

“They will be back. Went to dinner with my grandparents which always makes for an early night.”

“Oh,” April said with a bit of disappointment. 

“It’s date night,” Sterling reminded her. “We’re not staying here.”

“No, no, no,” April said quickly. “That’s not what I was suggesting.”

“Sure.”

April tugged her closer, cheshire grin present. “After.”

Sterling shook her head and pulled back. “Do you think I would sleep with a girl on the first date?”

“Ah, it’s like that.”

“It’s like that,” Sterling said, but leaned down to bite lightly on April’s bottom lip anyway. “Maybe I could be convinced, though.”

“Gross!” they both heard Blair cough-shout as she leaned against the door jamb. “Think of the babies, would ya?”

“That’s why we are definitely not staying here,” Sterling groaned. She pulled back just enough to turn her head to give her sister a menacing look. “Whaaat?”

“Consider this,” Blair said as she slid into the room now dressed for public versus a night with Netflix. “I am a decoy...for your date...thing. I’m there, but really, I’m invisible.”

“That’s the exact opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish here,” Sterling said, cutting off any sort of argument that might appeal to April. “No.”

“Okay, I’ve got sixteen reasons why you should let me go on your date,” Blair said and then waved around a ten, five, and one dollar bill.

“You are so, so, so very cheap,” April said.

“Oh please, you’ve been getting the milk for free,” Blair snapped, but reeled herself back in. “Sorry,” she tried one more time. “Listen, I know I was a jerk before. And just then. But, you can’t leave me here on a Saturday night. Mom and Dad will be home and I’ll have to hear all about what everyone ate and the name of the waitress and how Dad’s steak was cold and should have been just a bit more pink.”

“Where is the mystical college guy that we hear so much about, but never see?” April asked, needling ever so slightly. “Can’t you call him?”

“Don’t you think there’s enough bad blood between us, April Stevens?” Blair retorted. “I would if it were an option.”

“She’s just asking, Blair,” Sterling stepped in. “Fair question.”

“Ugh,” Blair pouted. “He’s with his boys. That, by the way, is a quote from him. I would never describe his friends like that.”

“No.”

“I’d be willing to add an additional two bucks to the already enticing bribe...”

“Ahh, look at her,” April hooked her fingers into Sterling’s belt loops. “She’s pathetic.”

Sterling looked at Blair and shrugged. “That’s actually fairly normal behavior.”

“Is your soul that dark, Sterl?” Blair exaggeratedly asked. “Are you made of fucking steel now?”

April tugged Sterling. “It’s going to be so much easier if we just let her tag along.”

“A.”

“Sterl.”

“Sterl!” Blair repeated April and jumped twice to emulate a toddler’s tantrum.

“What’s with the two of you?” Sterling asked.

“Let me go,” Blair said.

“Just let her go,” April said with a nudge. She caught something out of the corner of her eye. “Why is that doll doing that?”

Less than an hour later, Sterling sat in the passenger seat of April’s SUV on the journey to the restaurant that she had chosen. She looked across the acres of green grass that made up Centennial Olympic Park and checked the signs for a clue to how close they were. She felt Apri’s hand slip into hers and was initially surprised. 

“You’re quiet,” April said with a squeeze. 

“Yeah, what’s wrong with you, Sterling?” Blair bellowed from the backseat. “You were overly excited about this two hours ago. Did you just realize you’re dating April?”

“I will drop you off right here,” April warned. “Give me a reason.”

“That might be preferable,” Blair said. “There’s a dive bar about two blocks over that serves a mean Short Trip to Hell.”

“Why did I let you talk me into this?” April asked her. 

Sterling piped up. “How  _ did _ she talk you into this?”

April laughed at first then when she caught a glance at Sterling’s face, the smile slowly diminished. “Are you upset about something?”

“No,” Sterling said tersely.

“You seem mad.”

“She mad,” Blair cleared up the confusion. “Definitely.”

“I’m not mad,” Sterling said, completely unconvincingly. “Shut up, Blair.”

“Sterl?” April rubbed circles on Sterling’s hand with her thumb. “What’s going on?”

“Why?”

“Why what?” April asked.

“April, this was supposed to be a date. Our date. You and me,” Sterling said. “Why?” She hooked her thumb toward Blair.

“Toldya,” Blair said, falling against the back seat with a thud. “She mad.”

April straightened in her seat, checked her mirrors unnecessarily and cleared her throat. “You wanted Blair and I to get along. I thought this might help.”

“I do, yes,” Sterling agreed. “But not at the expense of our first official date. This feels like harried lesbians moms take a rowdy teenager to her first R rated film.”

“I’ve seen plenty of R rated movies,” Blair interjected.

“I thought you’d be pleased,” April said quietly.

“Really?” Sterling asked. 

“Yeah...” April said, unsure.

“Really?” Sterling asked again, this time with a little more bite.

“Sterling, what do you want me to say?” April replied with a question.

“I think you’re nervous about who might see us and the conclusions they might draw and instead of just saying that, we’ve got a third wheel.”

April tapped on the steering wheel. “She’s  _ your _ wheel.”

“And _ you  _ hooked her to the wagon.”

“I’m officially offended,” Blair said.

Sterling turned in her seat as much as her seat belt would allow and glared at her sister. “You should be!”

After that there wasn’t much more conversation. No one said too much during the expensive dinner that April insisted on paying for at Sterling’s favorite spot downtown. Blair sat three rows behind them at the movie they attended, and still Sterling remained more introspective than in the moment. She couldn’t quite shake her feeling that April had an ulterior motive in inviting Blair along.

The thought kept swimming around her mind as they both sat motionless in their bucket seats until Blair obnoxiously took forever to scoot out of the car and shuffle up the driveway.

“I always wondered how the two of you could have the same genetic material,” April said as they watched Blair enter the Wesley house. “Makes so much sense that you don’t.”

Sterling gave her a silent reprimand.

“Too soon?”

“April, are you embarrassed?”

“No!” April said immediately. “No, no.”

“What was tonight then?” Sterling inquired. 

“I- uh, well...”

“Sterl...”

Sterling sighed and reached for the door handle. “Goodnight.”

“Hey, what about prom?” April asked, sounding panicked.

That stopped Sterling short. She slowly turned, eyes narrowed. “What  _ about  _ prom?”

“I know it’s not quite the same,” April shrugged her shoulders. “Because we won’t be able to actually go together. But, what if, we went to prom together-ish?”

Sterling was certainly intrigued by this option. “Are you for real?”

“Of course.”

“You and me.”

“Willingham will never let us officially declare each other dates,” April said with an eye roll. “But they can’t stop us from being there without male dates and hanging out with each other.”

“Seriously, though?” Sterling asked. “You’re not going to ask Blair, too, are you?”

“Gross,” April said with a smile. “Blair is exhausting.”

“I know!”

“Is that a yes?”

Sterling fisted April’s shirt and pulled her in. “Yes!” she exclaimed before attacking her lips. 


	12. mad woman

April had gotten herself in some precarious situations before. Maybe none quite as sticky as the one she currently found herself in. She had sabotaged her date with Sterling. Yep. She did. She had looked so forward to their date. She had. She couldn’t wait. She loved spending time with Sterling. But, when it came down to actually going through with the date, she had faltered. Blair had given her a run/play option and she took it. Was it smart? No. Was it fun? Absolutely not. Did that huge misstep cause her to piss Sterling off and then panic-ask Sterling to the Willingham Academy Puritanical Promenade? An event in which chaperones have to take a two-night Webinar on appropriate touching and distance dancing.

The answer to that question was a resounding and unfortunate yes. 

To be clear: she did not regret asking Sterling Wesley to the prom. If someone had told April just months ago that she would have a (second) date with Sterling, she would have praised Jesus. She did regret the optics, though. It didn’t matter how lowkey they tried to be, the rumors were abound already. People would be watching. People were already watching them. And, at this point, even if Blair distance danced between them, April wasn’t sure that people would ignore it.

She was waging an internal battle between swallowing the fear and altering the plan. She just couldn’t figure out why it felt like a lose-lose situation. It wasn’t. It shouldn’t be. And Sterling was happy. Like,  _ happy _ happy. Sterling’s smile was lighting up every classroom on the senior circuit the last few days. April was  _ this close _ to having one of those 80s movie ending Molly Ringwald moments her mom had always told her about.

She could not, would not, screw this up. Undoing the prom date would be detrimental to their relationship to say the least. There was a very, very real and gnawing fear, though. If they were found out.  _ If _ . What would her dad say? Her family, including her ultra-conservative grandparents, what would they do? She still worried about securing her scholarship and her not tarnishing the pristine reputation she had kept with the faculty. Her friends were important, but most of them had parents who were prominent members of the Atlanta community. (Okay, that’s mostly BS, but they were rich and snobby and gossiped like a couple of bored old bitties in a two-chair salon.)

She was just about to take the chance at stumbling into that conversation with Sterling when a shadow covered them. April looked up to find a ghost from the not so distant past.

“Hey, Sterl,” Luke smiled bashfully as he approached, running a hand through his unruly curls. 

Sterling’s smile dimmed ever so slightly. “Luke, hi.”

“You mind if I talk to you a second?” he asked.

Sterling’s quick glance to April went largely unnoticed. “Sure,” she drew out.

“How’s it going?” he asked shyly. He had that same dumb grin that he used to wear. April was already on guard and he was making her more nauseous. 

“Um,” Sterling gave him a questioning look. “I guess things are fine. How are you?”

“I’m doing well,” he said. “Getting excited about moving. My dad just bought me one of those tiny fridges for my dorm room. It has the smallest freezer section.”

“Does it have a tiny ice tray?”

“The smallest one I’ve ever seen!” he answered.

“That’s great!” Sterling chuckled. “I’m sure I’ll see you around campus some.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Luke said. “I hope we end up living close to each other. So if I ever have to borrow sugar...or...duct tape.”

April was watching in fascination, but more importantly a slowly creeping sense of dread. She had known that both Sterling and Luke were attending UGA, but it was the first time she had ever been confronted with the imminent nature of such an arrangement. 

“I’ve never seen you with any duct tape,” she offered to break up the convo. “Not sure Sterl would keep that on hand.”

“She totally would, though,” Luke said, in defiance of her opinion. “She used to have it in a bunch of colors.”

“I did,” Sterling said with a grin. “Mustache duct tape even.”

If there was a red flag, it was at that moment. It was a red duct tape flag, in fact. Two red flags duct taped together maybe.

Luke scratched behind his ear and hemmed and hawed for a minute before getting to the point. “I, um, well...I saw you over here and I have been thinking about you lately and well, I was wondering if maybe you would like to go to the prom with me? Like old times, ya know.”

April felt like she’d been suckerpunched. That was certainly not what she had expected when Luke shuffled their way. She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to threaten him. She wanted to punch him in his squirrely head. Instead, she stood there, rooted to the spot and heard Sterling’s foggy voice respond.

“Prom?” Sterling asked, eyes widened in surprise. She was shifting her books in her hands with nerves and April just wanted to slap them out to make it stop. “Luke...”

“It’s just that I’m not dating anybody and you’re not dating anybody and I always thought we’d go together,” Luke said hopefully. “Remember freshman year when we planned what we’d wear because we were so excited about getting to go someday. I could totally rent the gold cummerbund and matching bowtie.”

Sterling blushed, but still nodded in confirmation, “Yeah, I remember.”

The knot in April’s gut twisted harder. She tapped Sterling’s shoulder. “Hey, I’ve got to go,” her voice squeaked into a higher octave. “So, um, maybe we’ll catch up later?”

Sterling was shocked by the development, April could tell. She wasn’t expecting a proposal either. “You have to go now?” Sterling asked her. “Now?” her voice begging April to stay.

“Yeah,” April pointed at Luke. She had to go because she had an overwhelming urge to either vomit or cry and it was at an even 50/50. “You guys are discussing...this...and I’m just going to go.”

“See ya, April,” Luke said in an obvious effort to shoo her away.

“No, no,” Sterling reached for her and stopped before she made contact. The instinct had been obvious and April stepped further back to put distance between them.

“Goodbye, Luke,” she said to him. “Good luck...I guess.”

Sterling glanced back at Luke, “I have other plans, Luke. I’m sorry. I can’t.”

That made April pause.

“You’re going with someone else?” he asked. “Who?”

“Sterl,” April caught her eyes and hoped that she could communicate her thoughts enough. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

“I’m going with you,” Sterling assured her. April wasn’t sure if that meant now or to prom, but it did little to alleviate the uneasiness in the pit of her stomach.

“I didn’t know you were with someone else,” Luke kept on talking, completely oblivious. “Does he go to Willingham?”

“Um...,” Sterling said to him, but kept watching April. 

She was asking permission to tell him. April could tell. That was the stare, the “can I?” look. She wanted to tell him and end this line of questioning. Sterling was all in and as much as she wanted to be, April could not commit to it.

The silence said exactly what she intended.

“No,” Sterling eventually got out. She turned back to Luke, “Just other plans. Maybe a girls’ outing...”

Luke was baffled. “You could still hang out with April. Right, April?” he asked her, trying to get her on his side. “I know you guys...don’t hate each other...right now?”

“Yeah...it’s just that we’ve already made the pla-”

“Maybe it’s not a terrible idea,” April piped up, loudly. 

Sterling spun in her direction. “What’s that?”

“You and Luke. Going to prom together,” April said. “Not a  _ terrible _ idea.”

“Yes! Yes, April!” Luke offered up his giant hand for a high five that April just completely ignored.

Sterling wasn’t nearly as enthused by her statement. “Well, April, I had actually made different plans for that evening, as I said earlier.”

“But, you’re not going  _ with  _ anybody, right?”

Sterling’s eyes never left hers. She never lost contact. She never let her off the hook when she said firmly, “No, I’m not.”

April stared back just as hard. “Then go with Luke.”

She didn’t know what happened after that. She hadn’t stayed around to see. She didn’t know if Sterling accepted right away or made him work for it. She didn’t know if they continued to stand there and make plans about cummerbunds or if Sterling had suggested a glittery boutonniere of fire. She didn’t know.

She also didn’t know what the hell had just happened. Every single dark force of self-sabotaging impulses just imploded in her at once and she could not stop it. 

She did know, by the end of that very day, that Sterling Wesley and Luke Creswell were going to prom together. 

She didn’t know if anything had ever stung that hard. 

She did know that she had probably done irreparable damage. That was a fact, undisputed.

Ezequiel is the one that told her. He told her softly, like maybe she would break if he said it too loud. He was confused and had eased into like he was breaking news that would alter the course of her world or something. She couldn’t remember the exact wording he used, it was as if she immediately blocked it out.

“Luke and Sterling?" Hannah B had asked when she came upon them later. “Have you heard? I haven't even seen them together in forever. But, you know, first loves and all that."

Ezequiel dismissed her. "My first love was Miley Cyrus and I think we all know that ain't it."

"Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus?" Hannah B asked.

"Girl, Miley," he quipped, while lending a supportive hand to April’s shoulder. He leaned over to her and reiterated. “That ain’t it.”

It was a terrible day. A terrible series of events that she had set in motion. What was even worse? Sterling was MIA, but Blair...Blair showed up like a recurring pimple.

“Yo,” Blair called to her and jogged to catch up as they filed out of school for the day. “Is Luke in on the bait and switch now?”

April eyed her carefully. “What are you talking about?”

“I heard Luke and Sterling were going to prom together?” 

“You haven’t talked to her?” April asked.

Blair adjusted her backpack. “No, she went home early. Probably her period. Sorry to ruin any plans you may have had, but shark week is here even if you’re queer.”

“Blair, please shut up,” April said as she continued to walk toward her vehicle. “I’m not in the mood today.”

“Did you not know?”

“About Sterl’s period?” April said in hushed tones.

“No!” Blair swatted at her. “About her and Luke? I figured she would have cleared that by you before agreeing to it.”

“I told her to,” April said.

“When did you guys tell him?” Blair asked, feeling left out of the informational loop. “I hope he’s on lookout duty, too.”

“He doesn’t know,” April mumbled. “I assume they are actually going together.”

“Then...” Blair hurried to head April off and stopped her. “What happened?”

“Nothing!” 

“April Peabody Stevens, what happened?”

“That is not my name.”

“What the fuck happened?” Blair asked, more seriously. “Sterling would never do that to you if there wasn’t a really good reason. So?”

“He asked. She said no, but I told her to go with him,” April said evenly. “It was for the best.”

“The best for you?”

April shook it off. “Best for both of us.”

Blair regarded her closely. "What are you doing?"

"Don't start with me. I don't feel well and-" April warned.

"I had one very simple request, April,” Blair cut her off. “I said not to fuck with her feelings. That was it. That’s all I asked and I’d not wage war on you.”

She had April dead to rights. April knew it. Blair knew it. “What did she say when she left?” April asked, suddenly worried about how she left the state of their very fragile relationship.

“Nothing,” Blair replied. “She said she was going home because she wasn’t feeling it. That was it. Like I said, I just thought she was crampy.”

“She didn’t mention me at all?”

“Contrary to popular belief, the sun doesn’t shine out of your ass, April,” Blair said as snarkily as she could spit it. “I didn’t question whether her not feeling great somehow equated to you being the Queen of Dicks.”

“Could you tone it down?” April shushed her. 

“And now I’m really, really pissed because Sterling left and I thought I could just catch a ride home with you,” Blair complained. 

April groaned. “Blair, I really would rather not-”

“I figured you were going anyway! How was I supposed to know you picked today to be an idiot,” Blair defended.

“Ugh, okay,” April gave in with very little fight. “Let’s go.”

There was very little fight because April had planned to track Sterling down either way. She wanted to see her. She wanted to explain the thought process that had led to basically prostituting her quasi-girlfriend to Luke to sidestep the prom date quandary. 

“Hey,” April said as she poked her head into Sterling’s room and found her lounging on her bed with a textbook. “Can I come in?”

“Have another prom date out there you want to force me into?” Sterling asked without even looking up from her book.

“No.”

Sterling looked over the pages. “I’m really pissed off, A. I’m not sure it’s the right time.”

“I know,” April acknowledged. “Maybe you should be.”

“Maybe?” Sterling’s voice screeched. “Maybe? Really?”

“I didn’t handle that situation very gracefully,” April said. “I’m sorry.”

“What the heck was that?” Sterling asked as she slammed the book shut and threw it toward the foot of her bed. “You asked me to go with you and then practically offered me up to Luke like a blood sacrifice.”

“I may have panicked,” April responded honestly. 

“There was no reason to panic, April,” Sterling argued. “It was fine. We were fine. I said no. I’m not obligated to convince him why not.”

“Of course not, but I was already nervous about our prom arrangement.”

“Then just tell me _ that _ instead of whatever that was.”

“I was going to and then Luke showed up,” April said. “And then I got nervous for a completely different reason.”

“Luke?”

“Yes, Luke.”

“Why?”

“You were practically married to the guy,” April said. “I feel like being suspicious of your relationship is fairly normal.”

“That’s such bullshit, April. And you know it. We were dating. Yes, we were having sex. And then it was over. I broke up with him. Besides the one kiss, that was it. And you know that!”

“I didn’t say anything was actively going on-”

“And the only time we were  _ married _ was a class assignment in ninth grade when we got paired together to raise an egg,” Sterling went off. “And then in tenth grade when he created an Amazon registry and tried to get someone to send us a toaster because he broke his mom’s four slicer trying to shoot a waffle into the ceiling.”

"I'm trying to be honest. If I'm already having these feelings. If I'm already unsure-"

"No,” Sterling interrupted with authority. “Let's call it what it really is. You're insecure. You're blaming me for your insecurities."

April stupidly double downed. "Well, if you hadn't been flirting with your ex-"

" _ Talking _ with a  _ friend _ ," Sterling corrected. “He came to me. You were there!”

“You’re going to be with him at Georgia, Sterling,” April said. “And you two have a history, you cannot deny that.”

“I’m not denying that.”   
“I’ll be in Nashville-”

“We’ve talked about this,” Sterling said. “We’ll figure it out. I’ll go there, you’ll come home. We’ll figure it out. That was the deal.”

April took a deep breath. “Do you really think so, Sterling? Do you really think we’ll have the time? The opportunity? After a few months, do you think we’ll even still want to?”

Sterling rocked back like April had physically pushed her. “Want to? Do you not want to, April? Where is this even coming from?”

“It’s time to be realistic, Sterling,” April said, her heart hammering in her chest. “We’ve had so much fun together. But, I’m not sure our relationship would be sustainable when I’m in Tennessee and you’re...with Luke.”

“I’m not with Luke!”

“Yet, you’re going to prom with him,” April shot back.

"Wow,” Sterling replied with obvious defeat. “Every time I think I've gotten to know the real you, this default April Stevens just comes out of nowhere. And as much as I like you...you just make it so hard.”

"Maybe this is just me. Maybe we're trying to fit a square relationship in a round hole."

Sterling guffawed. "That's honestly one of your worst analogies."

April shrugged her shoulders, knowing that it probably was one of her very worst. Knowing this whole day was one of her very worst. She stood in Sterling’s bedroom knowing she was an unwelcome guest at this point, which was the very worst feeling she may have ever had.

Sterling gazed at the floor, at the wall, at the window, everywhere but at her. She stared for what felt like the longest time as silence rolled over everything. The stillness and quiet was so antithetical to everything about them together. It was becoming undone. 

Finally, as the sun started to dim outside, Sterling asked, “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Have a good life, Sterling,” April said as she left her behind once again.


	13. epiphany

It was Debbie’s fourth pass by Sterling’s door when she finally stopped and stuck her head in. “Sterling?”

Sterling didn’t answer, just looked in her direction. She didn’t have anything else to say. There was nothing else to say. She had begged and pleaded and screamed and cried with April’s voicemail for days. She was done talking. She wasn’t even sure her voice worked anymore.

“Can I come in?” Debbie took a tentative step inside the room, stepping on a discarded bag of Hot Cheetos. “Blair said you needed some time, but, honey, I think I need to know what happened now. It’s been a few days.”

Sterling burrowed further under the blanket and wiped a tear that was trying to escape. She shook her head and silently begged to be left alone. She needed to drown in the heartbreak. She needed to absolutely bathe in the stupidity it took to be duped and dumped by April Stevens twice in two years.

“Sterling?” Debbie crawled onto the bed beside her. She hesitated for a moment, but then gathered Sterling in her arms. “Hey, sweetie. Talk to me.”

“I can’t,” Sterling’s voice was scratchy and broken. 

“You can,” Debbie reminded her. “I can handle whatever it is you have to say.”

Sterling subtly shook her head again but let herself be hugged tighter by her mom. It was soothing and something she hadn’t really allowed since the secret of her parentage had come out. She had put up so many emotional walls that it was initially jarring to have her mom this close. That was giving way to calm and it had been way too long.

Debbie waited for a few minutes, probably relishing the fact that she was able to hug her daughter without the uncomfortable tension. “Okay...well, just let me know if I guess it...hm?”

Sterling sighed, she knew this game. It was a game that Debbie had played with her and Blair when they were little. She thought it was improbable, but humored Debbie anyway. “K.”

“Are you upset about leaving home? I know that Blair is having a hard time with the two of you going to different schools, but I thought you were doing okay about that?”

Sterling gestured that that wasn’t it. It wasn’t like she loved the idea of living apart from Blair. She didn’t. But, she needed it. She and Blair needed to start living their own lives. And they had, they were. There was so much codependence for so long between them. It started to unravel on that night when they went from twins to cousins, sure. She was drawing the line, though. She was drawing the line in the form of distance that they both desperately needed to grow up without the other.

Debbie cleared her throat and tried to catch Sterling’s eyes. “Nobody has, um, shown up and talked to you about...anything? My family, possibly? Your...um, biological father?”

“No,” Sterling said blankly.

“Good, good,” Debbie’s voice was filled with relief. “If that happens, you need to tell me immediately, okay?”

Sterling nodded.

“Well, there’s only one other thing I can think of...”

Sterling closed her eyes, waiting for the next thing she could deny and hopefully she wouldn’t have to talk or explain or have to think about anything except getting some sleep.

“April?”

Sterling’s eyes flew open. “What?” she asked, aiming for innocence.

“April Stevens. She’s been around quite a bit lately. I thought it was odd because you two hadn’t been friends for years. Not since...well, middle school, right?”

“Yeah, fifth grade,” Sterling answered, still trying to decipher how much information Debbie might have.

“Then, she was just everywhere,” Debbie went on. “She was at the house. You were going with her to the movies. I think she was at Blair’s lacrosse tournament last weekend.”

“Yeah,” Sterling said. “I think so.”

“Probably wasn’t there to see Blair, though,” Debbie said. “Since Blair said she has an...intense loathsome disposition when it comes to April Stevens.”

“I think that might be...lessening to a degree,” Sterling choked out.

“Because of your influence?” Debbie asked. 

“It’s possible.”

“Well, I wondered if maybe April didn’t have something to do with this,” Debbie said as she squeezed Sterling as tightly as she ever had in her whole life. “And also because I saw the two of you kissing in her car a little while ago.”

Sterling went numb. Like, everything in her body stopped working. Every functioning part of her brain short-circuited. Her first instinct was to deny everything. It was to wiggle out of this hug and run out of this room and keep going down the block and catch a plane and change her name forever. The second was to grow the fuck up and face it head on.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” she finally asked.

Debbie shrugged. “Had it been two years ago, I would’ve. I would’ve gone out there and opened up that door and demanded to know what you two thought you were doing.”

Sterling did wiggle out of the hug, because she was going into defense mode. “Yeah, I figured you’d react li-.”

Debbie grabbed Sterling’s hand between both of hers. “Not for the reasons you think, Sterling,” she said. “You are who you are. And that’s okay. I would have done that before because that’s the kind of mother I thought I needed to be. I’ve learned in the last year that it’s not. I’ve learned to take a step back and let you girls live and be...and grow into yourselves without me and my sometimes impossible expectations.”

Sterling tried not to cry. She gave it her very best effort not to burst into tears. She failed miserably because once the first tear fell, they all did. Every single one. She cried for a while. She cried and cried and cried and her mom just sat there with her and held her and stroked her hair and whispered encouraging things and started to put the pieces back together. Not just the April pieces. All the pieces. All the pieces that had gotten demolished by all the secrets and lies and half-truths, those pieces started to fit back together, too.

Finally, through gasps and starts and stops, she said plainly, “She dumped me. And it makes no sense. Because she’s so...so  _ fucking _ scared. And I knew that this would happen. I just feel so stupid because how many times can April Stevens dump me for the same reason?”

Debbie was confused by that. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since before...”

“Last year?”

“Yeah,” Sterling answered, almost nervous. “Not the whole time. Just some of the time...”

“Wow,” Debbie leaned back against Sterling’s headboard. “ _ That _ , I did not know.”

“April told me at the lock-in that she couldn't be with me,” Sterling said. “That’s why I was waiting to be picked up...when Dana pulled up in daddy’s truck.”

Debbie squeezed her eyes together tightly. “You mean to tell me April broke up with you and you were kidnapped on the same night?”

“And I found out that you had lied to me...like, for-literally-ever,” Sterling reminded her.

“Sterling,” Debbie cried herself. “You’re made of some strong stuff, kiddo.”

“Does Dad know about April?” Sterling asked her. “Is he mad?”

“No, no, no,” Debbie said forcefully. “He knows, yes, but your daddy’s not mad.”

“What did he say?” Sterling was curious and honestly a little anxious to hear.

“That he would support you no matter what and that he liked April more than that Luke buffoon,” Debbie said. “I’m not sure if that’s really true.”

Sterling smiled. “He liked Luke just fine until he found out that we were having sex.”

“True,” Debbie mirrored her daughter’s expression. “He probably hasn’t put all that together with you and April just yet, let’s not...”

“That’s perfectly fine by me,” Sterling confirmed. “I’m fine forgetting all of it.”

Debbie cradled Sterling’s cheek in her hand. “You’re quite the young woman, Sterling Wesley.”

Sterling blushed at the attention. It was overwhelming because for so long she had avoided the overabundance of attention Deb would bestow on her. She leaned in to the touch. “Thank you. I’m still figuring it out, but that’s nice to hear.”

“You’ve been through more heartache than should be allowed in such a small period of time,” Debbie said. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Sterling clutched the hand on her face and looked at Deb. “Mom?”

“Yes?”

Sterling hesitated, weighed the consequences versus the fragility of coming back together, but then dove in. “How did it happen? How did I get...here?”

Debbie sat back ever so slightly. “It wasn’t some grand plan that we had, Sterl. We didn’t mastermind anything. There was no hostile takeover if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Did you buy me?” Sterling cut to the chase. “Because, it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

Debbie looked off for a few moments, as if she was trying to find the words to answer carefully. “It could be construed that way.”

“How? Why?”

“Sterling, I know how hard it must be for you to believe anything we say, but it was for the best.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Sterling said. “Obviously. I just want to know the story.”

Debbie nodded. “I know you’ve gotten bits and pieces about your grandparents.”

“They’re nuts,” Sterling replied. “I know. That doesn’t explain why I ended up with the wrong parents.”

“You ended up with the right parents,” Debbie said. “Maybe just the wrong explanation.”

“The lie wasn’t good enough?” Sterling asked with just the right amount of attitude. “It was pretty convincing.”

Debbie took the flak and settled in, ready to come clean. “Your father and I had  _ just  _ had Blair. Secretly. At least, from my family. I had cut off communication completely with all the Culpeppers years before because, well, they were extremists and becoming more and more dangerous. It was the best thing for me and your dad and, we had decided, for our eventual children. Then, Blair was born. And, wow, we were just so excited and proud. A few days later Dana called. I don’t know why I took the call, Sterl. But, I did. She had heard about Blair. I don’t know how. I’ll never know how. I didn’t push her on it because she sounded sober. She said she was working on getting her life together and she wanted to see me and she wanted to meet her niece.”

“So you let her.”

“Yes.” Debbie tried to defend the decision with the only argument she could. “She’s my twin sister, honey. I wanted it to be true.”

“Yeah,” Sterling said sadly. “She’s your twin sister. I kinda understand.”

“She showed up the next day and to our surprise, she had her own baby girl. You couldn't have been any more than a week old yourself. Anderson and I asked all kinds of questions that she couldn't seem to answer. Couldn’t even tell us what day you were born or what hospital you’d been at. She was erratic and screaming about conspiracies that we were involved in. She was a damn mess. Honestly, I thought she had stolen you from somewhere at the time.”

“So you just took me?”

Debbie sniffed, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I couldn't let her leave with you. I just couldn't. I knew that eventually she'd just drop you off with our parents or worse. And there was no way in hell I could have lived with that. So, I gave her something I knew she wanted more than you.”

“Money,” Sterling stated.

“Yes,” Deb said. 

Sterling bit at her lip, “And you kept giving her more and more?”

“Every cent she ever asked for,” Debbie answered truthfully.

"And we'd do it again," Anderson claimed from the spot he had taken just inside the door.

Sterling looked at her dad. “Really?”

"Without the secrets," Deb said. "Absolutely! You are our baby girl, Sterling. Yes, Dana gave birth to you. That is the truth. But, we raised you. We've loved you and cared for you. We watched you grow into an incredible young lady and we're so proud of you."

Anderson crossed the room to sit on the edge of the bed himself. “We made some decisions that in retrospect were...well, terrible decisions. But, we did it because we were trying to protect you. And we kept the secret from nearly everyone in our lives.”

“But, legally...?”

“We adopted you,” Anderson said. “You are our daughter, Sterling. We did everything the way it was supposed to be done after we were able to verify that she was really your mother.”

“Then why did you keep paying her?”

“To keep her away from you,” Debbie said. “And us, and Blair. She’s...uh...she’s ill. You saw that first hand. But, mostly, we didn’t want her to hurt you or pull you into her web.”

“That was admittedly unethical,” Anderson noted. “But, we felt we didn’t have another choice.”

“We really were trying to protect you,” Debbie said.

“So, you just gave me Blair’s birthday?”

“No,” Debbie answered. “That’s your birthday. We tracked down a woman-”

“A retired nurse,” Anderson interjected. “She was there when Dana was in labor.”

“Dana had been traveling from Jacksonville to Savannah,” Debbie explained. “We expect that your father is from Jacksonville-”

“Biological father,” Anderson said. “We’ve looked for him.”

“Yes,” Debbie acknowledged. “She was in labor, so she pulled off the road and ended up in this tiny little town and this woman, this nurse, just happened to pull over and helped her. God bless that woman, because otherwise, who knows...” She trailed off and shuttered.

“Sterling,” Anderson said.

“Yes?” she answered.

“The tiny town,” he smiled. “It’s called Sterling.”

“Oh,” she said, letting the information sink in. 

“It’s down by the coast,” Debbie offered. “Not much there, but we’ve visited a couple of times.”

“You were born in the parking lot of the Baptist Church,” Anderson said. “On the same night that Deb was having Blair here in Atlanta. It’s really an amazing coincidence.”

“Wow,” she said to herself. “That’s a lot of information.”

“She had named you Paige,” Debbie remembered. “So we kept that as your middle name, but we liked Sterling.”

“Has character,” Anderson agreed and patted her knee. “Like you.”

Sterling would often look back at that day as the first day of the rest of her life. It was the day of many reckonings. So many questions had been answered and links had been made that afternoon. It was the day her family felt somewhat whole again after holes had been blown through it. The foundation was made sturdier and she was able to move forward and build on it. And she just kept building.

Her first year at the University of Georgia had been a whirlwind. She loved it. She loved being on her own and shedding the twosome act that she’d always been a part of. She found her individuality in that first year and she ran with it.

She’d also eventually fallen back into a relationship with Luke. Yeah, they got back together...for three months. And then, she was reminded why it had ended before. He had drawn out their future and Sterling couldn’t see the big picture. There were so many roads she could go down. She wanted to try as many as she could. None of them were to be walked with Luke Creswell. So, she left that where it belonged. He was a high school sweetheart that became a very good friend. And they were good friends, but that was it. That was all it would ever be.

She rented a little place on the outskirts of town by herself and studied hard in her solitude. She found an abandoned puppy on campus one day, took him home and leveled up in responsibility. She made a wonderful group of friends and partied hard when she could afford it. One of those friends became more than a friend sometime during the second semester of her sophomore year. It was a good time in her life. She learned so much about her sexuality during that relationship. It was the first time she’d had a girlfriend that she could introduce to people as her girlfriend and that was freeing in a way that she could have never predicted. Bekah had a girlfriend before, though. Eventually, it became clear that the ex-girlfriend didn’t want to continue being an ex. So it ended one winter night over tears and a bottle of wine. And that was okay. It was a step she needed to take.

Dana somehow got her address and wrote her a letter that showed up during the second week of her junior year. She let it sit on her counter for two months. Two whole months, she refused to look at it. She talked to her parents about it. She had thrown it in the trash and then dug it back out. Finally, after it had mocked her for much too long, she read it. Most of it was incoherent nonsense about how Anderson and Debbie had stolen her baby and manipulated her and how if Sterling could just get some money together, they could take off to Mexico. But, she did learn of the identity of her father in that letter, as well. And she learned, after some helpful investigating from Bowser, that he had passed away before she had turned eight. 

It took a while to deal with that. She briefly pulled away from her family again. She was angry. She mourned the loss of someone that she didn’t know, and probably wouldn’t have wanted to. But she was still angry. This time she told them right to their faces. She raged about how unfair it was that they had denied her the opportunity to know him. They listened and cried and apologized again.

The anger dissipated. 

One day, she and Blair ended up at Yogurtopia eating froyos and decided it was time to fully forgive their parents. Nearly four years to the day that they found out, they made a promise to each other to let it go.

Sterling felt like a new woman when she went back to Athens for her senior year. She knew she wouldn’t be graduating at the end. She had a double major and it was always the plan to take five years. She was glad, too. Blair would be graduating from Tech at the end of the school year, and she already seemed stressed to the max. That’s why when Blair suggested having a huge blowout over Christmas break, she thought it might be a good idea. Anderson and Deb would be taking a winter cruise that year, celebrating their twenty-fourth wedding anniversary. Why not? They could do it just before heading back to their respective universities. Blair planned it for the most random day: January 6th. It would be a cold winter day and they’d invite everyone for one last gathering before moving on with their lives. 


	14. betty

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle on her way out of Atlanta and onto Nashville to start her very first semester of college even though it was slightly out of the way. She did it because she knew Sterling was still there. She knew that Sterling wouldn’t leave for Athens for another week. She intended to stop. She wanted to stop and clear the air and settle all the things between them that should be settled. She wanted to apologize and explain herself. She wished it could have been more open-ended. What had happened shouldn’t have been an ending, just a pause. But, for the life of her, she couldn’t see how anymore. She’d let too much time pass without a word to Sterling.

So, she drove by the Wesley house that day. She didn’t stop. She didn’t even slow down. She spent all 250 of those first miles telling herself that she had done the right thing. It was over, it was the past. It was a high school fling and she was off to bigger and better things. She would forget and move on and be happy.

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle a few months later when she was back in town for Thanksgiving. She had absently wondered if she might run into Sterling at some point while they were both home. She assumed Sterling was home. Surely, she came home for Thanksgiving. She imagined the look on Sterling’s face when they ran into each other at the store or what if they both randomly ended up back at the park.

A few days later, just before she was going to return to Nashville, she found out Sterling had been home when a picture that she certainly didn’t go looking for was posted on Blair’s social media accounts. Anderson, Deb, Sterling, and two-thirds of Blair’s face (and her forearm) were all smiling and hugging each other tightly in the photo taken in the driveway of their residence. The accompanying caption mentioned that Blair already missed her. Blair wasn’t the only one. But, that would eventually go away. First loves didn’t last forever. 

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle three or four times while she was home for Spring Break the next year. Going home to Atlanta wasn’t exactly the dream destination for a freshman on their first Break, but April wasn’t a typical student. She had expectations that she wouldn’t be fulfilled on a sandy beach. And, so what if she hung around the Willingham library the whole time. And so what if that trip took her right past Sterling’s house. (And so what if she took the slightly longer route to ensure that she’d go by her house. It was about traffic, dammit.)

She hadn’t been surprised at all to see the picture of Sterling and Luke on one of those sandy beaches over that Spring Break. She felt completely justified by it. She was instantly absolved of every single misdeed. Sterling had done exactly what she had always known she would do. She was back with Luke. She’d marry Luke and have Luke’s dimwitted babies and they’d file their taxes jointly and wear really obnoxious matching pajamas for all their Christmas pictures. Fuck that. She could finally put all that nonsense in the past where it belonged. Sterling looked insanely hot in the photo, though. So, she did take a few more glances at it. Just trying to figure out the brand of the bikini. That’s it. Good luck to the effin’ Creswells and their 2.5 children.

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle when she was home for her grandfather’s funeral the next semester. It was raining and she’d been so lost in her thoughts that she had missed her turn and ended up on Sterling’s street. It had been an accident, truly. She hadn’t thought about Sterling Wesley in months at that point. Curiosity got the best of her, though, and she felt like vomiting when she saw the picture of Sterling and some other girl kissing.

She could have lived with Sterling settling for a life with Luke. She could have let it go. She  _ had _ let Sterling go. But, Sterling with a really beautiful auburn haired girl who apparently liked skateboarding and white wine? Well, that was devastating. She buried her grandfather on that trip and uncovered that annoying pull toward Sterling Wesley again.

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle on a random weekend in February during her sophomore year in college and nearly shit a brick when a car pulled out of the drive right behind her. That car followed her for three blocks before she pulled over and realized it was Deb. She had to gather herself at just the prospect that she might, possibly get to see Sterling in living color.

She knew that she and Bekah had split. She checked Sterling’s accounts way more often. Just checking in. It was just a passing interest in an old friend as she had explained it to her roommate. There was absolutely nothing wrong with following Sterl’s life. April wished her well. April wished her all the happiness in the world. April wished that she could get out of her own way long enough to dial Sterling’s number and say hello again.

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle every single day that she was home for Christmas break her junior year. She had finally gained the courage to call and her heart broke when she learned that Sterling’s number had changed. She had banked on that lifeline for years. She had told herself that she still could reach out to Sterling anytime as long as she had that number in her phone. She didn’t even know how long that hadn’t been true. Maybe Sterling had forgotten that she existed.

She’d missed her shot. Years had been clocked and she’d sat on the sidelines watching Sterling grow and change in pictures. It was ridiculous and it was unfair to herself. She made a promise to stop wallowing in the past and start making new memories. She was wasting time on the idea of someone who didn’t care anymore.

April drove past 495 Albemarle Circle once during that next summer. She was living in Nashville full time, but had come home to attend a Braves game with her dad. He had practically begged her to come. It was one of the last things she wanted to do. Their relationship had been strained especially after the divorce, but he was making real attempts at reconciliation lately and she knew it was time to at least try to mend fences.

Five innings in, April had stood to watch the flight of a foul ball that landed six rows behind them and caught the eye of a familiar face. Her breath caught and the hair on her arms stood up. An older Blair Wesley was giving her the strangest look. April quickly glanced around her, searching...but no Sterling. She dropped back down in her seat and tried to return to a normal breathing pattern. She turned back to see Blair still looking, so she waved. It was returned surprisingly. She waited until the seventh inning stretch and her dad to go in search of a hot dog before climbing the steps up to where Blair sat with someone she didn’t recognize.

“Hi,” she said as she approached.

Blair was surprised that she made the gesture, that was evident. “April Stevens.”

“Blair.”

“Long time, no see,” she said. “Not since..hmm...high school.”

“How have you been?” April asked.

Blair smiled that dumbass smile she always had on her face when she was about to really piss April off and she knew it. “Well, I doubt you give a shit about how I’ve been. Don’t you really want to ask how’s Sterling been?”

April rolled her eyes, but didn’t argue. “Fine, how is Sterling?”

Blair waited several seconds, obviously wanting to let April twist in the wind. “She’s doing well,” she finally replied. Then tilted her head slightly to the right. “April, this is Jo. Jo, April.”

April held out her hand to Jo and shook. “Nice to meet you.”

Jo responded with a jut of the chin. “Hey.”

“I felt like it would have been rude not to say hi,” April said. “So hi.”

“It’s not like you to avoid being rude,” Blair teased. 

“Nor you, Blair,” April gave it right back. “Good to see you.”

Blair chuckled a bit at the lie and then addressed Jo. “April does not mean that,” she explained. “She and I really didn’t get along so well...she’s Sterl’s  _ ex _ .”

Jo’s gaze shot back to April, taking a more in-depth assessment this time. “You dated Sterling?”

“I’m not sure they dated as much as they hit and quit it,” Blair spilled.

“Thanks for that crude summary of my time with your sister,” April said as she backed away. “Enjoy the rest of the game.”

“She’s had a rough year,” Blair said just loud enough to keep her there. When she turned back, Blair’s face was sincere. “You asked how she was...and that’s the truth. She’s had a rough year. Mainly family stuff.”

April swallowed and was instantly worried because she knew what that meant. Not explicitly, but close enough. “Is she okay?”

“She is now,” Blair responded. “She’s on the other side of it. We had a rough couple of months. Some good, some bad. Took ‘em both. And then you have the facts of life. She’s doing well now. Still at UGA, still studying too much.”

April wanted to ask questions. She wanted to know why, how, what, who, where. What was so bad that it would have prompted Blair to mention it at all...especially to her? Her mind raced with all the possibilities. “That’s great,” she ended up saying. “I’m glad to hear that. Send my best.”

Blair regarded her for a few moments and April knew deep down in her soul that Blair would never mention seeing her to Sterling. She just knew it. And it wasn’t because Blair was being a bitch. It wasn’t because Blair would want to hide it. Somehow she knew that, without tangible evidence or any sort of logic that it wouldn’t be a good idea. Blair was always protecting Sterling from herself and even April knew that it was probably best that they leave it there in Section 116 at Truist Park.

“Goodbye, Blair,” April said, never intending to see her again.

“You bet, Stevens,” Blair called to her. “Tell your dad that Jessica says ‘what’s up?’”

That conversation lingered in April’s mind for months. It was annoying how much she thought about Sterling. It was annoying how much she wanted to talk to Sterling. She missed having a go-to person, because no one had ever slid into that place in April’s life. She had people. She had friends and very dedicated study partners. She enjoyed quite amicable relationships with her professors and had dated a couple of girls over the course of her college career. There was no one serious. April was way too serious to be  _ serious _ with anyone. Well, serious with anyone that wasn’t a certain, specific someone.

That next winter, a week post-Christmas, she had accidentally bumped into Hannah B while out to dinner with her mother and stopped to chat. Amongst a bevy of things April couldn’t care less about, she learned one very interesting, valuable piece of information. Hannah B’s boyfriend had been invited to some supposedly epic party at 495 Albemarle Circle next week.

The next time April drove by that address, she pulled into the driveway. It was full of cars, parked in every direction. People were milling about everywhere. There was a heavy beat spilling out of the house and a sea of red cups dancing in the air. She hadn’t been invited. She should be back in Nashville, writing her thesis. Truth is, she should be anywhere but here.

She came with a plan, though. She had brought that old UGA hoodie that she’d gotten from Sterling so long ago. She’d nonchalantly show up at this party and catch up with people whose names she didn’t remember and maybe, maybe get an audience with Sterling under the pretense of finally returning that ragged piece of clothing. No big deal.

She roamed around the house, bouncing off bodies and angling in spaces. Some would say it was aimless, it wasn’t. She had a target and kept passing through rooms until she found it. Sterling was in the kitchen behind what had to be twenty pizza boxes. She was chatting with different people, hosting, it seemed. Sterling was distracted enough that April was able to walk up behind her. 

April leaned around Sterling and grabbed a slice from an opened box and took a bite. “Not as good as the last pizza I had here,” she said. 

Sterling’s head snapped around almost comically fast. 

“It’s not bad, though,” April said as she held up the pizza. She lowered it slowly and put on her most charming smile. “Hey.”

Sterling didn’t even acknowledge the words. She just walked away. Not just walking either, she was moving like a launched cannon. April would liken it to the Red Sea parting for Moses, because all of a sudden Sterling had disappeared into the crowd.

April sighed. She tossed the pizza back on the counter and set out to follow. So, she wouldn’t be greeted with open arms. That was to be expected. Didn’t quite expect the look of repulsion, but they might be able to work past that.

It took another half hour to find her again. She had almost run into Blair twice and had to duck into the bathroom to avoid her the second time. But, she finally ended up face to face when she peeked into what she knew was the bonsai tree room Deb used for her garden parties. Sterling was there. And that time, she was prepared. Sterling was on offense and all her guns were metaphorically loaded.

“What are you doing here?” she asked immediately. 

“Um- I, hi,” April stumbled over her words as she took tentative steps. “I heard there was a party.”

“No, no,” Sterling said, staring into her soul. “What are you doing here?”

April smiled at her. She knew Sterling was mad, but she couldn’t help it. It was  _ Sterling _ . And she was beautiful. And she was confident and she was, okay, really mad.

April stopped smiling. “Sterl, I, uh, just thought I’d-”

“No,” Sterling shook her head. “Don’t bullshit me, April. What are you doing here? Because you didn’t just come for a beer or to catch up with the class or any other crap that’s about to come out of your mouth.”

“I can’t have a beer?” April said in faux defense. “I could have a beer.”

“Do better, April,” Sterling said. “Because I’m about to walk away again.”

“I came to see you.”

“It’s been four years,” Sterling said. “Nothing for four years.”

“Three years and nine months,” April corrected. “Approximately.”

Sterling was done. She took several steps toward the door. “Call me in another three years and nine months, April.”

“Sterl!” April called. “Sterling, hey.”

Sterling spun around. “Say something, April. Give me a reason for why you decided to show up tonight. Or, hey, give me a reason for what you did in high school. Tell me why you ghosted me for months afterward. Have you come out yet? ”

“Yes,” April replied. “And fear and stupidity and I missed you. Answers in reverse order.”

Sterling didn’t seem to have any noticeable reaction.

April awkwardly held out the hoodie in her hand. “And I wanted to return this.”

Sterling leered at the shirt, waving her hand dismissively before continuing out the door. “Keep it.”


	15. peace

Sterling woke up the next morning with a headache. It could have been the ever increasing volume of the music that Blair insisted on blaring through the house. It could have been the four beers she inhaled as the party was dying down. It could have been the mere two hours of sleep. It was probably all the April, though. Emphasis on “the.”

One eye opened slowly as she verified that she was still in Atlanta. She was still in her old bedroom at her childhood home. She was still twisted in sheets that her parents had purchased and still reliving a conversation with April Stevens. 

She had successfully avoided April for years. Eventually, the knot in her stomach at the memories subsided. Months had gone by since she’d even considered April Stevens. She was well beyond the urge to text that followed her around for so long. She had finally gotten the peace of mind to look at and then throw away all of the April mementos. That relationship had been lived and lost. She had finally outgrown it.

Then she saw her.

Seeing her made it everything come rushing back. Seeing April still made her tingle from head to toe. The butterflies still fluttered in her belly when she caught that first glimpse. Seeing April made her second guess everything she had known to be true and right for the last four years. Because seeing April reminded her that April was the only person who made her feel those tingles and butterflies. Nobody else made her heart skip a beat like that. As much as she wanted it to be the case, nobody else was April Stevens.

She had spent years climbing that mountain and woke up at base camp.

A banging on the door briefly interrupted her thoughts. She pulled the blanket up over her head, knowing it was all for naught. 

“Sterl!” Blair shouted. “Yo, you awake?”

Sterling wondered how long she could pretend to be asleep. All day? The rest of the week, possibly?

“Sterling?” Blair tried again. “I am starving.”

Food sounded disgusting, so she didn’t want to discuss that any further.

“I hope you don’t have anybody in there because I’m coming in,” Blair said as she opened the door just a crack. “Coast clear?”

“When’s the last time you’ve caught me with somebody in here?” Sterling asked and then quickly said. “Don’t answer that.”

“Funny that you brought that up!” Blair nearly giggled. “I could have sworn I saw April Stevens last night. Was April Stevens here or did someone just have the best fucking costume ever?”

“It was the real deal,” Sterling said, situated herself again in bed. “Who does that?”

“Does what?” Blair asked, confused. “I was April one Halloween. Scared the piss outta four fraternities and the whole crew of a Chick-fil-A.”

“Who just shows up like that?” Sterling complained.

“I’ll tell you who,” Blair responded. “April Stevens does. April Stevens just appears like a less formal Beetlejuice. Did you masterbate to her three times or something?”

“Dammit, Blair,” Sterling yanked the blanket over head. “I answered one freakin’ Truth question two years ago and now you have to mention it every time we talk.”

“What self-respecting sister learns about that kind of secret and doesn’t bring it up at least once a week?”

“A good one,” a muffled Sterling was heard.

“Not me,” Blair laughed. “So...I’m assuming April didn’t come by for the chips and salsa. What did she want?”

Sterling’s eyes appeared again. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It matters,” Blair argued. “Everything April says matters. Which is still gross, but much less annoying that it used to be.”

“No.”

“What did she say, Sterling?” Blair asked. “Must have gotten to you.”

“Nothing important,” Sterling shrugged it off. “She said she misses me.”

“Ohhh,” Blair chuckled. “You’re so fucked.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are,” Blair said. “And you’ll take your ass over to see her by noon.”

“I’m not,” Sterling contended. “There’s nothing else to say. Whatever.”

“ _ Whatever _ ,” Blair mocked her.

“Whatever!”

“Okay, Sterl,” Blair said as retreated to her own room. When she was out of sight, she still yelled, “You’re so fucked!”

After dragging herself out of bed and a dose of pain relievers, Sterling found herself exactly where Blair predicted she’d end up. She tentatively knocked on the Stevens door before noon, secure in the fact that April was the only one home. 

April answered after a few minutes with her hair down and slightly wet. She was wearing joggers and a black Commodores t-shirt and that by itself made Sterling pause. April leaned against the jamb and crossed her arms. She kicked one sock covered foot over the other and waited. And waited. And...waited.

Sterling cleared her throat. She tried to regain the head of steam she had worked up last night. But, again, seeing April did things to her. She couldn’t explain it. She’d never been able to explain it.

Finally she just blurted the words that kept circling her brain. "You can't just show up at someone's party, April."

April shifted ever so slightly and grinned. "I'd say unequivocally that I  _ can _ just show up at someone's party considering I did exactly that. And if you'd like to get technical, you just showed up at my door...I’d say we’re even.”

“Even?” Sterling was appalled. “You initiated contact.”

“Last night,” April said. “This is  _ you  _ initiating contact.”

“Are you going to continue to be this argumentative?”

“You dismissed me last night,” April said. “So, yes. It’s well within my right to be argumentative.”

“I was surprised,” Sterling informed her. “It would have been nice to have a warning.”

“How?” April asked. “You changed your number.”

Sterling’s defenses came down momentarily. “Oh, yeah. I did.”

“Was it so I wouldn’t be able to call you...or warn you, in this case?”

“Flatter yourself much?” Sterling scoffed. “Changing my number had nothing to do with you, April. Jesus! Dana got it and started calling me...harassing me. So, I changed it.”

“Dana?” April asked in concern. “I thought she was in prison.”

“She is.”

“Then why is she bothering you?” April stepped out of the doorway and onto the porch. “Why are they letting her harass you?”

“It’s fine,” Sterling assured her, wanting to change the subject quickly. “It was settled last year. We’ve all moved on.”

“Is that what happened with your family?” April asked without thinking. “Why you were having a rough time last year? Dana?”

Sterling looked at her suspiciously. “How do you even know about that?”

April sighed. She’d walked right into that. “I ran into Blair last summer.”

Sterling’s eyes widened. “You ran into Blair? My Blair? My sister, Blair Wesley? You and my sister discussed my family business last summer?”

“Very, very briefly!” April insisted. “She mentioned it. That was it. No details.”

“Where?”

“At a Braves game.”

“Blair ran into you at a Braves game and never mentioned it?” Sterling asked. “I find that incredibly hard to believe, April.”

“Well, it’s also incredibly true, Sterling.”

Sterling rolled her eyes. She didn’t like being surprised. Especially by April. “Why did you come last night?”

“I told you that I was returning your shirt,” April answered quickly. “Do you want it? There’s a tiny guacamole stain from a few years ago, but it’s yours if you want it.”

Sterling considered it. “Nah.”

“You sure?” April asked. “You came all the way over here. Might as well take a souvenir.”

“You also said you missed me,” Sterling reminded her. “Is that true?”

April took a step back to give herself some room. She studied Sterling for a moment. “Of course, it’s true.”

Sterling groaned. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Why did you ask?”

“I need a reason, A,” Sterling said. “You keep doing this to me. You just bounce back into my life and every time I...”

“What?”

“I can’t do this again,” Sterling told her. “I  _ won’t _ do this again.”

April’s brows furrowed. “Do what?”

“Fall for it,” Sterling said. “I let you affect me and...and...”

“Is that a bad thing?” April asked, trying to meet her eyes.

“Yes, because you can’t be trusted, April.”

April was taken aback by that. She pointed at herself in shock. “I can’t be trusted?”

“No,” Sterling said. “How many times have we been here?”

“This is different.”

“No, it’s not,” Sterling said. “It’s exactly the same.”

“That was a long time ago,” April offered. “I’m not the same person I was in high school.”

“You are, though,” Sterling said confidently. “You’re still you. You’re still the same April. You talk like her, you look like her, you argue like her. And you’ll walk away like her.”

“I made a mistake, Sterling,” April said, the pleading starting to infiltrate her argument. “I was 18.”

“I know, so was I, April.”

“I didn’t realize what I was doing,” April continued. “I was...scared.”

“We had made plans, though,” Sterling countered. “We could have made it work. And I wasn’t pushing you. You could have done it all on your own timeline and-”

“I wasn’t scared of that,” April replied. “I mean, yes, I had reservations at the time. But, it wasn’t  _ just  _ about coming out.”

“Then...?”

“Sterl...” April sighed. 

“A...?”

“Sterling, I was in love with you,” April finally said. “And we were moving apart. And you were moving with your ex-boyfriend who was still in love with you, too. It was either get my heart broken on my own terms or get absolutely crushed later. I’d much rather play offense.”

“April!” Sterling was so frustrated. “You make it sound like Luke and I were moving in together.”

“Oh, don’t act like that’s so crazy,” April complained. “You guys were probably fucking before I got my new bed made in Nashville.”

“No, we weren’t,” Sterling said.

“I know that you two dated at UGA, Sterling,” April pointed out. “It was  _ weeks _ after us-”

“We did,” Sterling responded. “But it wasn’t weeks later. It was well after. I was much too busy being devastated  _ weeks _ after us. And furthermore, for you to be mad about the fact that we dated after you broke up with me is so completely infuriating and just so  _ like you _ !”

“Okay, okay,” April backed off with that statement. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s not where I wanted to go with this.”

“If it’s such a huge freakin’ deal to you, then yes, April,” Sterling answered. “Yes. Luke and I got back together. It was during Freshman year. And yes, we were  _ fucking _ while you in Nashville. Yep. Sure did. Is that what you’d like to talk about?”

“No.”

“Would you like to talk about anybody else I was fucking since you’ve seemed to make it your business?”

April shook her head. “No.”

"No?” Sterling asked with a bite the word. “Don’t need names and dates? Ratings? Comparisons to yourself?”

“Now you’re just bordering on cruel.”

“Just showing up is bordering on cruel, April,” Sterling rifled back. “You’re the one who wanted to play this game. So are you just pissed about Luke or do you want comb through the girls I’ve dated since you?”

“Are you trying to hurt me?”

“How is that hurting you?”

“Please, just...don’t,” April asked quietly. 

“I didn’t just wait around for you to come back,” Sterling stated. “You don’t get to comment on who I dated or who I fucked or anything else about my life, April. You left. When you left, you forfeited having any input. And by the way, being retroactively upset about something as benign as my relationship with Luke says way more about you than me.”

”I know.”

Sterling was about to pop off again when she internalized what April had said. “You know?”

“My jealousy about Luke has been my undoing on many occasions,” April replied with a humorless laugh. “That’s not a secret.”

“You never could quite understand that all those years with him didn’t even come close to a few weeks with you,” Sterling revealed. “Why didn’t you understand that?”

April shrugged helplessly. “It was a vacuous thing to do. To show up at your party probably wasn’t the most considerate way to familiarize myself again. But, I’ve been thinking about you and us and I wondered if there was a...chance. And, I didn’t know what else to do besides just show up and say it.”

“Say what?”

“That we should try again,” April said. “We’re older and wiser and, oh, well, here goes, I still love you and would like very much to...date you. For real, this time.”

Sterling rubbed at her eyes. She could feel the headache coming back. “You love me,” she said without much enthusiasm.

“And I would like to date you,” April let it hang like a question. “Out in the open. Like you asked of me. Like you deserved before.”

“You and me...”

“You and me.”

“That would be a big conversation.”

“Let’s have it then,” April suggested.

“Well, you live in Tennessee,” Sterling said it slowly like April might have forgotten.

“And you live in Georgia,” April said. “Geography is fun.”

“How is that supposed to work?”

“We had a plan to make it work when we were in high school,” April recalled. “We just do that.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, April,” Sterling scoffed. “This is crazy.”

“Okay,” April refused to acknowledge that there was some truth in that statement. “Why?”

Sterling started to pace. “Because...”

“Just say it,” April encouraged. “Tell me what you think.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes,” April encouraged. “Go ahead.”

“I don’t even know you,” Sterling said. “Four years is a long time, April. You said yourself. You’re a different person.”

“You still know enough.”

“Do I?”

“Yes.”

Sterling groaned and shook her head again. She felt like she was trying to shake herself out of an alternate reality. It was truly unexpected to have April reappear. She paced down the porch and then back. Finally, she stopped in front of April again and laid it out there. “Listen, A, honestly, after the shock wore off last night, I couldn’t get over how nice it was to put eyes on you again. You. Here. It was like air back into my lungs, you know,” Sterling told her. “I want you to know that.”

"That's a preface for something I'm not going to like."

Sterling’s sad face was all the confirmation she needed. “It took several drinks to get there.”

“And?”

“I’m not sure it’s a great idea for us to be involved.”

“Are you with someone else?” April asked intently. “Because I did a deep dive in your social media before I just showed up. Besides what seems like a platonic flirtation with a guy named Dookie8000 on your Instagram, there was nothing. If you’re with someone, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have-”

“No,” Sterling shook her head. “No. I’m not...right now. I just-”

“Don’t want to be with  _ me _ ?”

“I didn’t say that,” Sterling said. 

“You just said that, Sterling!”

“It’s been four years since I’ve even seen your face, April,” Sterling argued. “And now you’re just here and in love with me and proposing-”

“I did not propose.”

“-that we have an actual relationship, complete with exposure to the sun,” Sterling finished. “For once.”

“Oh,” April backed down. “Yeah. That I did propose.”

“April, we’ve done nothing but hurt each other our whole lives.”

April still had some fight left in her. “Maybe. But, it’s because we’ve loved each other our whole lives.”

"Really?"

"In our own way, absolutely."

“You couldn’t have called me three years ago when I was still praying that you’d reach out?”

“Sterling, believe me when I say that I didn’t mean for the silence to last this long.”

“No, April,” Sterling said again. She walked toward the steps on the sprawling front porch and paused. “In my experience with you, I’m just never enough. You just never could quite commit. And there’s no evidence that anything has changed. You came to a party on a whim to see what would happen. And I refuse to get sucked into this again. Every time, I come out the loser.”

“I do love you!” April said with one last ditch effort. “That’s not a whim.”

Sterling accepted it. She bit her lip sadly and squeezed her eyes shut to deter the tears. “I love you, too. Always will.”

“Sterling...”

“Have a good life, April.”


	16. hoax

It took 22 days.

April left for Nashville immediately after their confrontation. She had to. Atlanta screamed Sterling’s name and being home was slowly smothering her. It was time to leave Sterling Wesley and their shared city behind for good. She needed to get to her real home and her real life. She wanted to fall back into the obscurity it provided, if only she could be invisible. She’d love to disappear back into the shadows of sadness she’d lived in for how long she couldn’t remember. It was safer there. She spent the first week mourning the loss of a relationship she never really had. It was all ideals and possibilities that may have never actually been possible. She nearly convinced herself that it was just a high school infatuation that she was only hanging onto because she didn’t get the closure she needed. It seemed plausible. 

Except the gnawing regret. There had been a real, true love between the two of them. Still was. Whatever connection April and Sterling built had endured. It was evident in the magnetic pull between them. It was there in all their interactions. Their relationship was fueled by a deep, emotional tie that had burned with fury and passion for the other. It was inexplicable. They lived a love story, however incomplete and truncated. So, April spent the next few days tracking down Sterling’s number. She called Hannah B and convinced her to ask her boyfriend to hit up his buddy who just happened to run in the same circle as Blair’s ex. And that dude had Blair’s phone number. It was a number she had never had and never wanted and couldn’t imagine calling even if she had fallen into a well and the only thing that could pull her out was a lacrosse stick.

She made that call, though. She stretched and prepared and she gathered all her wits, plucked all her courage, and she made that call. That call went to voicemail. The next two calls also went to voicemail. She told herself it was probably for the best. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. She let a day pass. She let two. She gave herself permission to finally,  _ finally _ exorcise the demons that had hung around for so many years. And then, on the cusp of moving on, Blair called back. Surprisingly, Blair wasn’t mean or petty. She didn’t relish in April’s misery. She simply gave April a chance to present her best case. And April did. She stuck all those hard feelings in her back pocket and she groveled to the one person that she knew could make it or break it. In one of the most miraculous events of her life (including the time she had seen a perfect portrait of Jesus in a cumulus cloud), she ended the call with 10 sparkling new digits.

And then she straight up panicked. Almost just called it off. She hadn’t lied to Sterling. She  _ was _ a different person. And if that was true, then it would follow that Sterling was probably different, too. So, how could April possibly convince Sterling to take a leaping, blind chance on her? She had demolished her on numerous occasions. She knew it. Sterling had undergone a lot of emotional pummeling at her hands. Now, though. Now, they were adults. The choices they made now had real consequences. It wasn’t just a frivolous flirting friendship with benefits she was aiming for anymore. And there’s the panic-inducing part. She knew all too well how badly it could blow up if she went about it the wrong way.

She’d have to completely reintroduce herself. She’d have to prove there were different facets to her personality. Sure, Sterling has been mostly correct in the assessment that she was still April. All those April qualities were there, but there was also something better, stronger, and freer than she’d ever been before. She had grown and she was more than capable of growing with Sterling. She was sure that if she didn’t go for it, there’d always be a blank space where Sterling should be. And, that was too sad to let stand.

She got in her car and she drove back toward Georgia with one haphazardly packed bag and a delicate and probably misguided confidence that she could get the girl. Sure, there were parts that were shaky and she was already sweating by Chattanooga. Driving all the way through Atlanta was completely foreign and she came dangerously close to just turning back around. She didn’t. She kept on.

Daylight was quickly fading as she neared the city limits of Athens and she heeded Sterling’s wish for a warning, so she dialed up the phone and eagerly waited to hear her voice. It had taken 22 days for her to come looking for Sterling. And it took Sterling about fifteen seconds to answer her phone. 

“Hey,” Sterling said as a greeting, filling the speakers in April’s car. “I was wondering when you’d call.”

It took April completely by surprise that she was anticipating the contact. Stunned her into silence for a second, in fact.

“April?”

“Uh, hey,” she finally answered, trying to restructure her whole approach on the fly. “Yeah, it’s me.”

Sterling laughed. “Could you not figure out how your phone worked? Blair told me you’d be calling a week ago.”

“Blair, of course,” April said knowingly. “I don’t know why I didn’t expect that.”

“Did you think she wouldn’t?” Sterling asked. “Blair likes a good prank, but there’s no way she would let me get blindsided by you of all people.”

“It’s not my intention to blindside you,” April countered. “That’s why I’m calling first. Here’s my warning.”

“Alright...then what are your intentions?”

“To apologize.”

“Accepted,” Sterling said quickly. “Is that it?”

April cringed as she passed a slower vehicle. Maybe it really was a lost cause. “I shouldn’t have just shown up. I understand why you were upset. And I’m sorry that it seemed like I did that on a whim. I was trying to seem nonchalant and my appearance there couldn’t have been less nonchalant.”

“Are you saying that you weren’t just trying to return my old hoodie?”

“I wouldn’t have given up that hoodie even if you had wanted it,” April said truthfully. “I love that thing and it’s never too far away from me, so...”

“...that’s...interesting...”

“I used to sleep in it every night,” April admitted. “That was after the first time I screwed all of this up. Still do sometimes.”

Sterling cleared her throat. “I, uh, never-I never knew that.”

“Yeah, well, get ready, because I’m about to say a lot of things you probably never knew,” April said. 

“April, that’s really not necessary.”

“Sterling, it is necessary,” April replied. “It’s now or never, right?”

“Never is probably not an option?” Sterling tried for a joke.

“At the risk of sounding melodramatic-”

“You love being melodramatic, so I think I’m prepared-”

“Ha,” April said with an eye roll that Sterling couldn’t see. “You’re the only one I want. And that’s not a surface statement. That’s not me being lazy because you’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with. I’m telling you, I cannot imagine my life with anyone else because I do not want to. I refuse to. Even if I have to apologize forever. Even if I have to wait for you to catch up to what I already know is inevitable. We are supposed to be together, Sterling.”

“Ah,” Sterling said, not sounding particularly moved by April’s speech. “Is that why you keep running away from me?”

“You ran from me this time.”

“Not fair.”

“Nothing’s fair, Sterling,” April said. “It’s never going to be fair that we had to do it this way. All the time that we’ve lost is completely unfair, but that’s what happened.”

“You happened.”

“Well, I’m happening again,” April said with a smirk that she caught in the rearview. “Hey, what’s your address?”

“Are you writing me a letter?” Sterling asked. “I’m more of an email kind of girl, April. Less wait time.”

“No,” April responded. “I’m in Athens.”

“...what?” She tried to cover up the nerves that were overtaking her. “Greece?”

“I’m in Athens, Georgia, Sterl,” April reiterated. “Where are you?”

Sterling waited a beat. “Why would you be in Athens, April? Have you learned nothing?”

“If a girl decides to go and sweep another girl off her feet by declaring her undying love, it’s much more effective in person,” April said. “At least, that’s what I read on the internet.”

“Be careful what you read on the internet, April,” Sterling suggested. “It’s all hoaxes and conflated opinions. Also, pretty bad advice about how to whoo the girl you dumped in high school...twice.”

“I’m not whooing, I’m being honest,” April said. “I don't know what else to do with myself. I haven’t for years, Sterling. I tried to move on. I did. I wanted to. I prayed to make it go away. I’ve dated other people and sworn off all relationships and it doesn’t matter. It’s still you. It’s always you.”

Sterling breathed in and out deeply. “Where are you?”

“Um...” April looked around. “Passing Target.”

“Are you on Atlanta Highway? Why did you come in that way?”

“What do you mean why did I come in this way?” April asked, looking to see what highway she was on. “How else was I supposed to come in? I’m heading toward the campus.”

“I don’t live on campus anymore,” Sterling informed her. “Did Blair not give you my address while she was handing out my number?”

“No,” April answered. “I didn’t ask. I figured you would tell me if you wanted me to know.”

“Yet, you drove all the way here on a random Thursday on the off chance I’d like to catch up?”

“Are Thursdays not good for you?” April asked with only a hint of smartassery. “Because I can reschedule for tomorrow.”

“Take a left on Hawthorne. If you don’t, you’re going to get into university traffic.”

April listened. “Okay.”

“You were right,” Sterling mentioned. “You saying you dated other people stings a bit. So, I’m sorry for what I said to you last month. I was pissed off.”

“That’s not why I said it.”

“I know.”

“It wasn’t anything serious,” April explained.

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Sterling said. “I’m not asking.”

“So no names or dates?” April aimed for being funny. It fell a bit flat.

“I’m sure they were lovely,” Sterling responded. “But, I doubt we’ll be having any ‘April Stevens Fan Club’ luncheons.”

“You could be the president of that club.”

“Who are you kidding? You’d be president of that club,” Sterling shot back. “Did you take the left yet?”

“Yeah,” April answered. “Hawthorne.”

“Follow the signs for 129 and stay on that to 29,” Sterling directed. “It’s going to be about three miles or so. Let me know when you’re on 29.”

“29, got it,” April copied. “I’m sorry that I brought up Luke before. You were right. Your relationship with him has never been any of my business. From the first condom wrapper to now.”

“It’s over,” Sterling offered. “It has been forever. Our time passed in high school. I knew that. I missed the security of him, though. That’s why we got back together briefly. I had to find that security in myself. And I did, eventually. But, April, the Luke thing is ridiculous. You’ve got to let it go.”

“I have, I am,” April promised. 

“Well, just so you know, we’re still friends. We have lunch every once in a while. He’s engaged to a softball player. She’s great, too.”

“A softball player?” April asked. “Luke has a type.”

“Stop.”

“Just sayin’.”

“She did introduce me to a teammate of hers, though,” Sterling went on. “I think that was the last date I’ve been on.”

“Didn’t we just establish that it stings to talk about other people?” April reminded her.

“Nothing happened,” Sterling said. “She was nice.”

“When did you move?” April changed the subject from any girl who had any kind of social interaction with Sterling.

“Sophomore year,” Sterling answered. “I rented this little house from an older lady that I went to church with here. Her husband died a few years before and she had just retired and wanted to move in with her sister at a retirement village in Florida. She couldn’t sell the place. Felt like it was betraying the memory of her husband to leave altogether. So, I told her I’d rent it from her as long as I was here.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“Dirt cheap rent,” Sterling said. “And no distractions unless I want to be distracted.”

“No roommate?”

“Just Noah,” Sterling said.

April nearly ran off the road with the name. “Who?”

“Noah, my dog,” Sterling answered. 

“Ohhh! Oh, okay,” April said in relief. “Your dog, Noah. Of course, your dog is Noah. Why not?”

“I found him on campus during a torrential downpour, seemed appropriate.”

“I’m on 29,” April reported. 

“Take a right on 72,” Sterling said. “Should be a mile or so. If you see Kroger, you’ve gone too far.”

“Were you going to tell me your dog adoption story?” April asked.

“No,” Sterling replied. “Just warning you.”

“Is he going to bite me or something?” April asked. 

“No, definitely not. He does sleep at the foot of my bed, though,” Sterling said. “Is that going to be a problem?”

“Uh, no,” April answered cautiously. “I have no problem with that.”

“Okay,” Sterling said. “He was here before you, he’ll be here after you’re gone.”

“Sterl, um, this is not a sleep-with-you-and-then-leave kind of trip,” April suddenly felt the need to clarify. “I didn’t come here to have sex with you.”

Sterling didn’t say a word for what felt like minutes. “You’re going to be pretty bored then.”

“I’m serious, Sterling,” April said again. “That’s not why I came here. I want a real relationship, not what we were doing in high school.”

"April, Blair told me  _ everything _ you said,” Sterling stated. “You realize that, right?”

“...oh.”

“And I answered the phone knowing exactly what you want,” Sterling kept on. “You realize  _ that _ , right?”

“I’m starting to,” April said, a smile growing on her face. 

“I’ve had a week to think about it. And, yeah, it’s going to be work and you’re going to have to earn my trust by not flaking out, but I want it, too. I want to see if it could work. It always comes back to you for me, too, A. So...yeah, I’m expecting to get some,” Sterling rolled out there. “Now  _ I’m _ just sayin’.”

“Oh, okay,” April choked out. “Um, I-I-I’m okay with that.”

“You’re okay with that?” Sterling was testing it. “Well, I couldn’t be more excited that you’re okay with us finally legitimately trying ‘us’ out in the real world without all the juvenile societal pressures or parental complications.”

“Did Blair tell you everything verbatim?” April asked, knowing the phrase that came directly from her own speech to Blair approximately a week before.

“Probably,” Sterling answered. “I’m pretty sure she took notes. That’ll be a problem for you later on.”

“I wouldn’t expect less from your sister.”

“She also said I’d be a ‘real, fucking dumbass bitch’ if I didn’t give it a shot,” Sterling said. “Because according to Blair, I’ve never been as repulsively in love as I was with you. So...if that’s not a stamp of approval...”

“I’m just surprised, I guess,” April admitted. “I expected to have to work for it.”

“You’re still working for it,” Sterling teased. “You haven’t earned anything yet. I’m anticipating that you’ll overachieve just like every other endeavor in your life.”

“That feels like a challenge,” April said.

“I speak your language,” Sterling shot back. “I’m also an overachiever.”

April laughed loudly. “Okay, um, Sterl, where the hell am I?”

“What do you see?”

“Nothing,” April said. “Some houses. A field. Am I close?”

“To something, I’m sure. Not me, I actually live on the other side of town,” Sterling quipped. 

“Sterling!” April squealed with panic.

“I’m kidding!” Sterling laughed heartily. “Left across from the railroad crossing. You’ll see me. I’m waiting for you, have been for years.”

When she arrived at the house that Sterling rented, Sterling was indeed already outside waiting. She was sitting in an old Willingham varsity lacrosse T-shirt and had her hair thrown up in a messy bun on top of her head. She didn’t move off her perch on the top step of the brick-lined porch. April suspected she may have been trying to hide a smile as she rested her chin behind her fisted hand. 

April didn’t waste time getting out of the car, but once her feet hit the gravel, she got overwhelmingly nervous. She shut the door and leaned back against it, scratching her neck. 

Sterling stood, not bothering to hide her joyous grin. She shoved her hands in the pocket of her sweats and glided down the steps and the narrow concrete walk. “Hi,” she greeted as she approached shyly.

“Hi,” April said, smiling. She offered a dorky wave and then blushed.

Sterling looked off to the right, probably out of nerves. “You made it.”

“I did,” April replied. “Good directions.”

“I’m known for my navigating skills,” Sterling said. 

April was suspicious. “Since when?”

“Since now,” Sterling laughed with a shrug. She kicked at some rocks in her driveway and then looked up. “Is this awkward or is it just me?”

April will never know what gave her the courage, but she pushed off the car and threw herself into Sterling. Sterling wasn’t expecting it, but hugged her back nonetheless. They stood there, embracing, in the evening twilight until Noah howled at the door and both of them broke apart.

“Noah, huh?” April said, craning her neck to see the pup wagging his tail just inside the door.

“Did you bring bacon?” Sterling asked. “That’ll win him over pretty fast.”

“I’ll go buy some if I need to,” April said and began to back away.

“Stay.” Sterling said as she grabbed her arm and pulled her close. She reached up to April’s face and ducked in to kiss her. “Stay. Stay.”


	17. bonus epilogue chapter - the lakes

Sterling was learning that late fall in New England was truly something. Sure, she was steeling herself for the cold that was coming her way, but the autumn leaves dotting The Fens was nice. Even nicer, the afternoon free to take the quiet stroll with her girlfriend and dog that was affording them the opportunity to slowly get to know their new city. She was adjusting, April on the other hand, still had the natural body temperature of a native Georgian. 

It wasn’t a terrible thing. Sterling especially appreciated it when April tucked herself even closer and wrapped both her arms around Sterling’s right and squeezed. “Brr...” she said nearly inaudibly. “I’m freezing.”

“You’re wearing three layers,” Sterling pointed out with a laugh.

April hugged impossibly tighter. “Four layers if I count you.”

“I’ll be your fourth layer any day,” Sterling responded and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead just below the knit beanie that covered her ears. She admired her lady for just a moment as they walked. “Despite the shivering and teeth chattering, you look gorgeous.”

“Aw,” April basked in the adulation. She brought their intertwined hands to her mouth and kissed the spot on Sterling’s inner wrist that adorned a tiny tattoo of April’s scripted name. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Sterling said in earnest. 

April tucked herself tightly under Sterling’s chin, mostly to try to steal away some of her body heat as they watched Noah sniff around some obviously suspect fallen leaves.

They were happy. At times, that had felt like a small miracle. They were, though. They were undeniably happy. They’d been happy since they came back together five years ago. Sure, there had been obstacles. Both April and Sterling blazed a path between Athens and Nashville for months. Then, the same had been true when April had moved on to Duke for law school the following year. It had been tough some days. Not being able to be together every night wore on them both. Sterling had learned to trust that April wasn’t going to cut and run and April had grown up enough to realize there was no instant gratification in long-distance relationships or any kind of real relationship. It had been a test. One that they had passed.

When Sterling had graduated from Georgia, they decided they’d had enough of all the traveling and she moved to North Carolina. And while Anderson and Deb hadn’t loved the idea of Sterling moving further away, they had accepted it. When April landed an associate attorney’s position at a public interest law firm in Richmond, they applauded her accomplishment, but groaned at the widening distance. Boston, though. Moving to Boston meant officially leaving The South. That was tantamount to treason. The Wesleys were still coming to terms with it.

“So, what were you saying about your parents?” April asked, referencing the conversation they’d left on their doorstep when they started on the journey.

“I think if we could just get them here,” Sterling answered, “maybe they’d appreciate it.”

“Sterl,” April shook her head. “It has very little to do with the city and everything to do with the fact that I keep moving their baby further away from them.”

“I know,” Sterling said, tugging gently on Noah’s leash to discourage him from chasing the squirrel he was eyeing. “I know.”

A loud, screeching text alert echoed around them and April automatically rolled her eyes. She didn’t even have to check the message on her phone. “It’s Blair,” she said.

Sterling immediately started patting her pockets for her own phone.

“It’s fine,” April said. “We’re having a meme war because she’s bored.”

“Are you sure?” Sterling asked, still looking.

“Yes,” April said as she reached around Sterling and pulled her cell from her back jeans pocket. “She would have called you if it was go time, not texted me. I promise.”

Sterling settled as she glanced at the blank screen and realized that April was right. “You would think Mom and Dad would be concerning themselves with becoming grandparents and not me moving to Boston.”

Blair’s prediction that day in Nandina couldn’t have been more wrong. Blair was the one who was married with twins, yep twins, on the way. She did have a kickass job at the Atlanta FBI field office investigating cyber crimes, but she also still lived less than three miles away from their parents. Blair and her husband had Sunday dinner at their parents’ house every week and she almost never got to kick down any doors. Now, she couldn’t get her leg up that high with a ladder and hot yoga. 

So many things Blair would never in a million years have guessed about Sterling’s future that day, either. Sterling having moved to the Northeast? Not a chance. With a woman? Nah. That woman being April Stevens? No way, no how. That she’d be perfectly content with her renewable energy advocacy gig? Three words: offshore wind farms.

As their path had circled back around to their building, Sterling again spoke on the topic that had been tumbling around her head all day as she held the door open for April. “I just think if they came and saw how beautiful it is and how happy we are here...”

“They have an open invitation,” April reminded her as she passed. “They know that.”

“But, maybe, if they had a specific reason to come...”

“And what would be the reason to invite everyone up here?” April asked. She climbed languidly up the steps to their one bedroom apartment behind Noah. “I doubt the caravan would come for a simple house warming.”

Sterling fished the keys out of her pocket one-handed when they reached their door. She unleashed Noah and gave him a scratch behind the ears before he bounded off to find his bed. “Probably not. Maybe if it was more of a momentous occasion.”

“Like?” April asked. “What could you possibly be talking about?”

Sterling tilted her head and pursed her lips. “You know.”

“Do I?” April asked in wonder. “Do I, Sterl?”

“Yep,” Sterling confirmed as she sidestepped April and went straight to the fridge to fish out a pitcher of purified water. “I believe you do.”

“Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?”

“We are,” Sterling said.

“Again?”

“Again?” Sterling scoffed. “It was once, a few days ago, and you never got past divorce rates.”

“Fifty percent!”

“Thanks,” Sterling replied. “I needed that reminder.”

“And for subsequent marriages, even higher,” April said. “For example: John Stevens. He’s on divorce #2.”

“Okay, okay,” Sterling held her hands up in surrender. “Nevermind. I was floating the topic, not pushing.”

April watched closely as Sterling poured herself a glass of water and drank slowly from her glass. She leaned up against the counter, looking off into space. No doubt planning their extravagant wedding in her mind. She’d probably get Noah a bowtie and make him the ring dog. She also knew from living through the to-do that was Blair’s wedding, that there was a scrapbook and bridezilla tendencies.

“Debate me,” April offered as she crossed the kitchen to stand beside Sterling. “Give me your best argument.”

“Debate you?” Sterling giggled at the absurdity while placing her glass in the sink. “I’m not debating you on marriage.”

“Scared?”

“I haven’t debated in years,” Sterling pointed out. “And you’re a professional.”

“So, yeah, you’re scared,” April teased. “C’mon, Sterl, let’s hear it. Why should we get married?”

“I know what this is and I’m not engaging,” Sterling rolled her eyes and gave April a playful swat on her butt. She made a move to leave the room, but she was stopped by a tug on her shirt.

“You are totally trying to engage,” April said and pulled her back and rested her hands on Sterling’s hips, steadying her. “I’m serious. I want to hear what you have to say. You have the affirmative.” 

“Should I self time?” Sterling asked with a smirk, knowing April would appreciate the call back.

“Just go!”

Sterling was wary of getting too deep into a debate. April could get really worked up in these situations. Also, she was not at all prepared, so she stumbled for a moment. “Okay. Well, hm, okay, we already live together. So, we know we can exist in the same space.”

“This is the start to your argument?” April laughed out loud. “We know we can exist in the same space?”

“That’s important!” Sterling argued. “We can tolerate each other’s idiosyncrasies. I can deal with your bordering on insane need to label the cereal canisters.”

“I don’t like to be surprised.”

“My Frosted flakes do not look like your Corn Flakes, A.”

“That’s your opinion,” April countered. “Anything else?”

“You put me on the spot, here,” Sterling complained. “I’m sure there’s more, but-”

“Ready for the rebuttal?” April asked her.

Sterling braced herself for what was coming. “Go ahead.”

“Marriage is entirely a social construct that is outdated and heteronormative,” April laid out. 

Sterling knew that was coming, so she made a couple of points. “With tax breaks and legal perks.”

“Plus, it would be ridiculously cliche,” April said.

Sterling had not been expecting that. “How?”

“The timing,” April said, like she had made the most solid stand that ever stood.

“The whole having lucrative careers and being financially secure and being committed to our five year relationship part?” Sterling asked. “That timing?”

“It’s a piece of paper, Sterling.”

“A legally binding piece of paper,” Sterling argued. “You are a  _ lawyer _ , A. C’mon.”

“That is what I do, not who I am,” April replied, albeit with a healthy dose of mirth. “Besides, that might be tough on my parents. My gayness seems fine from a distance, but I’d be a gay married lesbian yankee who’s become slightly more Moderate than Conservative. John and I already barely speak and my mother...well, she  _ is _ my mother.”

“You’d have my parents,” Sterling rebutted. “Because my family adores you.”

April grinned. “Adores? That’s a strong word.”

“My parents do! They are proud of you. Even when you drag me a thousand miles away, they still love you,” Sterling said with confidence. “And Blair loves you, too. When’s the last time she had a pizza delivered with the pepperoni spelling out ‘April sucks’?” 

“Over a year,” April said positively. 

“See!”

April let her hands dip down and cupped Sterling’s butt and squeezed. “That’s great. But, honestly, your family is already my family. We don’t need to be married for that to be the case.”

“Okay, okay,” Sterling shrugged and let her arms rest over April’s shoulders. “How about this? I love you. I love you and your cereal label maker and that goofy grin on your face when you’re blushing and your mildly deformed pinky toe and I don’t particularly want to be without you or any of those things. And, yeah, it’s a piece of paper and legalities and divorces happen and whatever else you’re planning to argue, but that’s all that really matters. Isn’t it? That I love you and you love me and we’ve decided we’re in this together no matter what. We have, right? I’ve got your name tattooed on my arm. If that doesn’t prove I’m doing this forever, I don’t know what will.”

“How dare you bring up my toe at a time like this,” April deadpanned.

Sterling sighed. She carefully took April’s face in her hands and placed a lasting kiss on her lips before turning away. “That was my closing argument.”

April could not keep the smile off her face. “Sterl.”

“Uh huh,” Sterling brushed her off as she busied herself with other things.

“Sterling,” April opened the giant kitchen drawer filled with large spoons she had perched herself in front of and reached into the far corner to grab the small box that she had hidden there. It was the safest drawer in the apartment because one of Sterling’s idiosyncrasies is that she hated large spoons. “Honey.”

“What?” Sterling called, still not paying attention.

“Hey.”

Sterling turned around and her breath caught in her throat. April stood there holding a diamond ring between her thumb and forefinger. She glanced between the jewelry and the girl holding it for a few speechless moments. “Uh. Yeah?”

“You win,” April said.

Sterling continued to stare at her. “You better not be kidding around.”

“Have I ever been kidding around, Sterling?”

Sterling still hadn’t moved from her spot. She asked tentatively, “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Sterling, I want you,” April clarified. “I want this life with you. And, yes, there were things I needed to work through after you brought it up the first time. But, those stemmed from my issues with my parents, not with you. I’m sorry. I should have just said that, but I was nervous about changing something that’s kinda perfect. So...I bought a ring and was waiting for the right time...”

“Are you serious right now?” Sterling squealed, the realization hitting her in waves. “You really want to get married? You want to do this?”

April took the first steps toward her. “Baby, I’ve wanted to marry you since I showed up at your party, praying that you’d show me mercy and give me a sliver of hope for us. I’ve wanted to marry you since the first trip to Athens. I’ve wanted to marry you since you got really drunk at that karaoke bar and sang  _ Jolene _ to a Dolly Parton drag queen at my graduation party.”

“That’s got to be a lie,” Sterling laughed as April reached her.

“It’s not,” April replied. She reached for Sterling’s hand. “I’ve wanted to marry you since the weekend I got food poisoning and you drove all the way to Durham at 3 in the morning so you could hold my hair while I puked.”

“I’m glad you didn’t ask that night because I probably would have said no,” Sterling joked as a tear slid down her cheek. “You were gross.”

“I’ve wanted to marry you since twenty minutes ago, walking around the park with you and Noah, and all the moments in between.” 

April paused and looked at her expectantly. 

As giddy as Sterling was, she was not about to forget that April started this with an inane debate just to get her going. She wiped a tear with her free hand and asked, “Are you going to get down on one knee?”

“And prove my subservience to you?” April questioned. “We’re both smart, modern women. We’re on equal footing here.”

Sterling knew April well enough to know that she had already planned and considered how she was going to pop this question. “Traditionally, the asker would be on one knee.”

“Traditionally, the askee would have answered by now,” April shot back, still holding Sterling’s hand and a fat diamond ring.

Sterling leaned down and whispered. “You didn’t ask.”

April’s face twisted in thought as she ranged back through all the happenings of the last few minutes. “Ah.”

“So?”

“Sooooo,” April drew the word out to play along. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Sterling Paige Wesley, will you marry me?”

“You’re really not getting down on one knee?” Sterling asked, trying and failing to be straight faced. 

“Sterl!”

“Yes,” Sterling said finally. “Yes, April, I’ll marry you.”  
  



End file.
